Your past didn't break you, so it can only get better from this point.
Im glad you're so sure of it; im not yet but I DID IT! Now, no flood of emotions after i read it, except when i got to the part where he looked at me; but as a good therapist, he didnt let me run from it; nor was i really trying to. I dont know how much anyone really realizes how BIG this self awareness is for me. Being so stuck for so long but not knowinf why and though my emotions are tangled so tightly in a ball coated with aelf anger and self hatred; this is one of the biggest reasons why i cant seem to get past the "i was born bad" and "i need to be punished", though that was pound into me; this was the one big thing that fueled it. I also dont feel or think of myself like "everyone else"; i can give this advise or replies like you guys are for someone else, its bad if it was done to another child but was always ok because it was done to me. I said a passing comment "like everyone else, i couldnt even think of doing that to a child now"...LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. My therapist. pointed out that i had just said that. Though this is going to be a VERY long journey and probably a ton of posts; this is the first step. And like it was pounded into me that im bad, a horrible person, shouldnt be here, i deserve(ed) it, that i should be punished...its gonna take "pounding" (reading replies over and over and over again; challeneging the "devil on the shoulder to let the angel fain some ground", its gonna take pounding it into my head that im not all of whats bad, that shouldnt be punished etc. But even my therapist said "whoa, thats big" when i said that half way throufh of writing this post, i felt PAIN AND HURT, not anger. Just to get to that is big. Boy this is gonna take a long time. Sigh! But i cant deny the big step of awareness i just had. Oh oh, and driving to walmart after my therapist session; the song i call "my song" Fight Song by Rachel Platten (search on toutube for it, other than links off this site; it wont let me posts links); it describes my situation SO well; i was at the red left turn light and started to cry AND didnt want to buy duster at walmart. It was just for a few mins but not wanting to numb the pain is huge to. I redirected mu mind to my shopping list but didnt even have the urge to numb it. Thats big too cuz ive cried a bit before afted som sessions but ALWAYS had that hige urge to cut, burn etc or huff. Im EXTREMELY strong willed and thats why ive never had to go to rehab to get clean off drugs; and my therapist said "thats why you are fighting to hard to get better so its a good thing", though its gone against me that its, i think, also why im so stubborn to say "yeah it doesnt make sense but i still believe it", but im fighting it as hard as i can. Relief and almost dare i say joy that i feel a bit less stuck and finally on the right road. I told my therapist today that for a bit i felt that finding out my dad really doesnt believe me, i thought that reeled me backwards; it didnt, it made me turn on another road. I started with "people that have been through worse than me have no support or help and get better; how?" And from the last post about how to grieve my "child self", orher replies on other threads, some concersations with a few, and even misunderstanding intent on here; being triggered and reeling from that all played a part in this awareness. I became aware of the "chocolate covered candy" description of my emotions then asked "what is the chocolate?", that was easy, self anger and self hatred, then thought of "how many licks does it take to get to the center of a toosie pop?", how do you shed or break chocolate on candy? Lick it, break it, SHED IT, ok so i asked "How do i shed that?" Post here and read outloud to my therapist, take in all replies and re-read over and over and the most important which is how i got to ttping about this one thing "what am i most angry at myself for? What is the one biggest thing i hate myself for?" And there you go. I was seething from every pore needing support and my therapist sent me hear and ive soaked it in like a very dry sponge. So yeah; long time coming but i have more hope then ive ever had that i'll get there. A tiny dim light in the darkness! HUGE! ok, im gonna enjoy the holiday. Have a great New Year everyone and THANK YOU! WITHOUT YOU AND THIS SITE I WOULD HAVE NEVER GOTTEN WHERE IM AT! Stay safe!
