It's okay. These very early memories aren't "normal" memories, btw (like not like how I remember going to...
My therapist has known about it for a long time but it was just an "i did this" and move on as fast as i could. Before i read this post to him, i would never stay on the subject but for a few mins and change the subject. But since posting this and making an entire session about it, i have put a huge crack in the anger & hatred at myself but i cant deny its still there.
I asked him last session, as i read this now and the replies and once re-read my intro, im feeling pain now instead of feeling anger & hatred at myself, which is good as i could never get to any other feelings before, but its still a balled up untangled web of emotions and i have no idea what to do with it or how to go deeper but not go to fast as to send myself off tailspinning again. i have to keep my job; i work in a call center as an internet & PC tech & when people cant get online or get their PCs to work right, all they do is scream at me (like that's gonna fix it) and i have to balance allowing them to vent, but not too long, with fixing their issue, with lowering my AHT (average handle time; average amount of time through the month on the phone) which im written up for, with good customer service, with massive anxiety. Ive been caught going off on customers twice, one was screaming at me calling me a worthless c-nt and the other one was elderly and couldnt seem to follow the simplest of instructions and it had been over an hour long call for something easy. Anyway, im lucky i didnt get fired and dont want to go there again. Since then, my anxiety meds have been increased and i now can take 2 FMLA extra 15 mins breaks if needed to chill out as the 2nd one was after a screaming call and my anxiety had already sky rocketed but didnt have a way to take a break.
Anyway, his answer was to write about it on here and he said he can see it all lossening up some...AND made a note to do more EMDR next session (which terrfies me due to freaking out last time) but i always do or try my best to do what he asks. So im trying to write about it, cant seem to put words to it most of the time but had found some words last night but the site was down. If i knew it was a down site or didnt have the thoughts of "omg i didnt something wrong and got blocked" then i would of thought to write it out on paper but didnt. :/
Anyway, thought id post it the min i thought of it. Just wonder if , even without additional trauma, did i cause some sort of repressed issue or pattern with him? I always thought he was too young to remember but some on here remember being in a crib, so what if i did?
Even with now feeling pain first and with all the replies, i cant seem to stop hating myself over this. But though i cant seem to stop beating myself up over this, im not wanting to punish myself tonight so thats different and maybe something good? I usually say "i turned into what i hate, a preditor" even for a short time as i dont say im a child molestor today but i do say i was for a short time. What i didnt say in this post, but did tell my therapist, is i did have one more fleeing thought after this, once, snd still not sure why i would have another thought after this; was still 14, wasnt long after, thought of touching my then 2 yr old nephew, but had told myself not to , didnt, then never had a thought since. But with the 2 thoughts, one i acted on, doesnt that make me a preditor, even for a short while?
:confused:
