Goodbye!

[lostforgottensoul]

I know share anecdotes about similar things I have been through when I see a post that is relative to something I have experienced.

Also why i do that; not many was raised in a crazy Santaic cult headed by their 'parents', forced to prositute starting at age, forced to kill smill & drain their blood for scrafice blah blah blah. But there are so and when someobe goes through like the Cleveland House, you want to know someone can relate.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@joeylittle, i thought of this on the way home, to sorta explain a little better now that I am at home. Think of hitting my triggers like someone pushing your buttons. You control your reaction or lack thereof, right? I havent learned how to do that and im no where close. My mind does this race car circle, very fast of automatic thinking "i did something wrong, they hate me, they think im a horrible person, i cant do anything right etc" like the post being down the other day made me think "i did aomething wrong" even though i manage sites; im in IT as a living but my emotional brain overides my rational one and i have no control over it. I posted 1 post in there taking up for myself and then brought the rest to messages but when the person messaging me said i hijack most threads i reply to but most dont want to say anything, thats what sent me tailspinning. Not only do people, or people hating me, judging me, gossiping about me (aka my family) or any missunderstood intention (which you know ive appologized for before and will coninue to if im in the wrong) but basically people's thoughts of me still very much dictates my view of me and im still trying to grasp that my entire past wasnt ok since it is ok in my mind because it was done to me and in my mind im different than everyone else and my "child self" is different from every other child. So anyone that says you did this and that is gonna at best increase my anxiety and i dont know how to control that yet. I wanted to sorta explain a little more since we've conversed on this more than once. I do get a person doesnt control how you feel but in my case, they do until i learn how to not allow it. Thats not to say people need to walk on egg shells around me; i dont want that ar all but a bit more understanding (not meaning you) on a mental health site would be great but wanted to explain a little more now that im off of work that you've learned how to do something that i havent yet.

@Chava,
Now as to the entire issue; now that im a bit calmer. This hit me as hard as it did due to the words "you hijacked a thread" which im still not sure why its all being blamed on me, i wasnt the only on in the conversation and im not even the one that started it! My orginal post which i copied and pasted in my last post answered what was asked in the OP, "What is attachment disorder" and only used my story because thats all i have to speak from as experience of it. For someone to say "you dont have it cuz you cant remember below 0 -5" isnt really yours to say, my therapist, whom does carry 8 degrees, is the one that says that and in my orginal reply i stated "not yet diagnosed because i dont fit all criteria". Now to say Im the one that took what you think that thread is supposed to be about, ages 0 - 5, off track is wrong; someone replied to me and i them as a nice person would. And if off track, thats not even your place to put it back on track to tell someone they shouldnt be posting there. When it comes to me talking about all ages, well thats because my memory ends at ages 6 to 7 but i also stated i dont remember being a virgin, therefore sexual abuse by, likely my mom, could have occured below age 5, or anything for that matter, so to state in so many words that i should be posting elsewhere besides that thread is a bit retarded in my opinion. And to advise diaries when i stared repeadly that it wont help me or i would have started one; again yeah. But the conversation started due to someone else replying to my orginal reply, i replied to them and so on until a conversation took place. Why am i meant to feel bad and feel i, whom didnt even start the conversation, hijacked a thread? And then to state even more hitting my "im a horrible person" trigger that i brushed someone off by comparing traumas, i would never compare traumas, i was advising that theres another way to look at adoption which is true and what my therapist is teaching me how to do, look at stuff differently and even stated to them that im not trying to downplay your trauma and even gave them a hug afterwards. Then you post here that thats a good thing; well which is it? Did i brush them off or give them good advise? Then made to feel even worse to say that this adopted person, Mit i think, had more relevent ages 0 - 5 than i did as im being told to go elsewhere other than that thread, which i dont think anyone has the right to do other than staff, but he has more relevant age 0 - 5 trauma than me? How do you know that? Even i dont know what happened below age 6 -7 but i do know that at that age i wasnt a virgin, thats enough to know something happened.

I then posted a post that was taking up for myself then took it to messages until someone then in messages stated i hijack most threads i go to but that most didnt want to say anything. I felt, if thats what people think, whats the point?

Again, @joeylittle, i get that no one person makes you feel a certian way but im not there yet to not allow it.

I admit and appologize when im wrong and have several times, but i dont feel wrong in this situation and now feel very unsafe here and im finding threads i can help on but dont want to post due to not wanting to "hijack it". Why be here if i have that fear or fear that im sharing too much and may be blamed to be hijacking a thread?

@Chava, I try my best to be senstive to other's feelings, where they are emotionally, and try not to hit other's triggers and when i have, ive appologized and backed off. I wish others (and there are some wonderful people here, i dont want to say this is all or most of the people here) would do that and i dont want to block people unless they are just nasty to me or something because i think i need to take in all ideas and all inputs. But i wont censor my own replies. @Chava, I read the rules here well and i didnt see anything about not sharing too much of your own story and not allow a conversation to spark up in a thread. I didnt even see one about not allowing a thread to go off topic. Now if the OP fees its going too much off topic, they have all rights to put it back on topic. I dont remember the OP ever saying a word after the conversation sparked up. I share the most relevant part of my story, or usually just the link to my intro as if people dont know my past, they usually wont get where im coming from or that i understand where they are coming from.

Now i dont want to leave this site. I was actually planning on soon buying a premium account (cant yet but soon) but im not going to worry every time i post "is this too much?" "Are people gonna think im hijacking?" Im just not nor am i gonna share less, i ramble, i like to talk, thats me and im not gonna change me to make every one else happy. If thats whats needed to get support here then im in the wrong place. I also need to feel safe again here so time will tell if i stay. If i do, it likely will start in replying to threads first until i re-build that safe feeling again. And the most embarrasing self ritual i still self do will take a lot longer for me to feel safe enough to share; and i need to. I have people messaging me asking me not to leave and i dont want to but i need people to be more understanding and please remember that this is not just any fourm, its a mental health forum.

For that entire reason, @MsSpock, i dont think i will let you tell me how to not 'hijack' a thread. If i had a thread was going off topic, id put it back on topic and my threads have many times gone off topic into some conversations. I think people need to more understanding others and the impact that their reply might have on the mental state of the person they are replying to. If it sounds harsh @Chava, it probably isnt a good thing to say.

 

[joeylittle]

I wanted to share that this:

Think of hitting my triggers like someone pushing your buttons. You control your reaction or lack thereof, right? I havent learned how to do that and im no where close. My mind does this race car circle, very fast of automatic thinking "i did something wrong, they hate me, they think im a horrible person, i cant do anything right etc"

is a really good way of describing this, and also I think really helpful and productive. I actually have to work at interrupting those automatic thoughts as well. It's been something that this site has helped me practice - something like noticing that I didn't get any 'likes' on a post, when I first got here, that would put me into a total tailspin. My heart rate still goes up whenever I believe I've done something wrong based on how someone responds to me, even though I know that I don't have to panic, no-one will hurt me even if I did mess up.

I do get a person doesnt control how you feel but in my case, they do until i learn how to not allow it. Thats not to say people need to walk on egg shells around me; i dont want that ar all but a bit more understanding (not meaning you) on a mental health site would be great but wanted to explain a little more now that im off of work that you've learned how to do something that i havent yet.

Still learning how to do it, all the time :). I would be surprised if it ever went away completely. Anyway, the point of my little ramble is just to say that what you are doing here, coming back to the thread and writing about how your automatic thoughts work - that's a big part of the process of learning how to interrupt them, and ultimately re-direct them. It's all just a big process.

My therapist says that until we've really processed through all the trauma, it'll be hard for me to ditch those core beliefs about myself - that I'm wrong, bad, and shouldn't be alive. He's probably right.

Why be here if i have that fear or fear that im sharing too much and may be blamed to be hijacking a thread?

I think, because as far as fears go, this is a pretty safe place to have them and navigate them, if that makes sense. Ultimately, what @intothelight said here captures it best:

There isn't an attack here as that is never allowed and I can't think of a place that is much safer to express, talk or discuss.

But I really do understand how it takes practice, and how it's not at all an easy thing. And how some days are harder than others.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Lost -- I feel like the elephant in the room so forgive me for still responding. I appreciate that you're not engaging but you keep talking about me like I'm not here and actually I am. My reason for responding has nothing to do with perpetuating any conflict but because you are expressing feeling unsafe and describing exchanges with me. I for one thing do not want to keep being cast this way -- hence my earlier baldly stating what I fear still is not apparent to observers. But insofar as my comments upset you -- it was never my intent to cast any blame on you. As I think is the case with many I was trying to answer your own questions (to me) as to what I thought was occurring, to reassure you that people aren't trying to attack or blame.

This is a group and people all have their issues and sometimes projections. I am another vote for I hope you stay on the forums, both because I think you will find a lot of supports but also because you have had a lot to say, and that's good. We all are learning from each other. I wish I could have offered words more supportive and not further triggered your feeling blamed by anyone. I'm learning. I doubt you know anything about my story, but I also had a lot of abuse things that make me prone to feeling blamed. I think many do, and that's why people are offering suggestions, based on actually understanding.

Again, I can try to bow out, but ask that if that's your wish you stop talking about me in a community that I also am wanting to be part of for my own supports. I'm gonna be reading either way, and hope you will get past rough spots and keep posting here. I think you have a lot to offer.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I feel like the elephant in the room so forgive me for still responding.

I thought i did in a message but i guess i meant to but forgot; so you're forgiven. I think i didnt reply cuz i was busy at work and didnt have a chance to read the full message and just forgot. I'll read it all in bed and reply but your forgive. I wasnt pointing you out cuz when i did that it made you feel attacked and i do try hard to think of other's mental state ao didnt want you to feel that way again.

but ask that if that's your wish you stop talking about me in a community

I only did that to further explain without the time pressure of work; didnt do that to make you feel uncomfortable or bad, i wantes to further explain why i went tailspinning today about worse than ive ever been, at work anyway as today was the first day i just blanently balled my eyes out in the company bathroom and my two 15 min breaks weee both over 10 mins and my hour lunch over 10 past.

Keep in mind, everything as a whole is what has made me feel unsafe, your message was just sort the straw that broke the emotional camels back.

I actually have to work at interrupting those automatic thoughts as well. It's been something that this site has helped me practice

I was gonna ask how you broke those automatic thoughts until i read further. I also like @intothelight's quote but i have no idea how to share more if im afraid to. I feel now that since ive moved in therapy recently, my emotional state is much more fragile; actually 'fragile' is how my therapist discribes me evey year when my insurence re-approves more sessions. This past year, my therapist couldnt get ahole of the insurence company's therapist (yep only United Healthcare Behavioral Health asks you to have your therapist "prove" you need another year of therapy) and there was a hole of a few months; he faxed them my clincal report and put in there that i might need therapy the rest of my life. That scares me.

Honestly, until i can at least see what happened as bad, i dont think i will be able to learn how to not allow people to dictate my emotions and feelings. As until then, i wont see myself in any good light at all, therefore any post that even suggests im "bad", "horrible person" or whatever will trigger me. I mean knowing thats my biggest trigger is something, cuz i used to explode and have no idea why. Once i stood in my dad's livingroom of his old house and just screamed at the top of my lungs; no words, just screamed. Was pure anxiety bur that was before therapy, actually its what made my step mom make me go to therapy in order to stay at their house; and it was before anxiety meds.

But the deeper i fo, the higher the anxiety goes. Like usually i take 2 anxiety meds at work and 1 at bedtime. Lately most nights i need 2 at bed to lower the anxiety enough to sleep, and thats with sleeping meds. But today i had to take 3 at work and then 2 tonighr for bed. I never run out cuz most days off i dont take it, or try not to, not even for therapy. It just sucks as the more i dig the worse the anxiety gers and the more i trigger and worse i tailspin. Blah

 

[Chava]

For someone to say "you dont have it cuz you cant remember below 0 -5" isnt really yours to say

Can't read the whole post because I'm going to bed, but wanted to address this. I don't understand why you put this in quotes because I did not say that. It seems you've misunderstood quite a few things that I've said, or assigned your own colored meaning. Please don't "quote" me on what I never said.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

It just sucks as the more i dig the worse the anxiety gers and the more i trigger and worse i tailspin. Blah

Do revisit the posts about how and *why* the site can make people more symptomatic. Iirc it was @joeylittle who pointed me to that one and it is quite helpful. Saying this with 0% you are bad or wrong, 100% responding to the pandora's box effect.

Your intelligence and honesty will take you far. Already have. Hopefully collectively people are at least assuring you you deserve to be here.

 

[Stickler]

We ( meaning an INTERNAL we ) could get punished for anything or nothing at all, right? Usual abusive-household boogaloo...

So any hint that we might have screwed up terrifies and triggers us...or used to...and we went berserk on ourselves. Total shamefest, complete with self-injury and emotional collapse.
Neither deserved nor effective to feel that shame. Doesn't even fix the problem, be it something major or a minor social faux pas.

...You will slowly come to know that you are still perfectly okay, lovable, and good even though you are not perfect.

You are okay, lovable and good. That is true.

We are all here to learn. One way of learning is to f*ck up. I certainly do it often enough.:rolleyes: In fact, perfectionism, carried to its' logical conclusion? Leaves you crippled. It HAS to be ok to get it wrong. My okayness as a human being ( and yours ) can't be negotiable, so long as we aren't being actively malignant ( you aren't).

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Please don't "quote" me on what I never said.

Ok, since i dont have multi wuote down, all copy and past it:

@Chava said "But most of what you are describing (the history, behaviors, patterns you experience), in my opinion, relates very very strongly to many years of sexual abuse, not merely early attachment."

My therapist disagrees with you based on automatically thinking i need to attach, aka coonect, with people, friends, family, pastors and other clergy, theeapists, cops, superviors at work, co-wokers and even thoughts, but never action, of people here through sex, which since you know so much about attachment disorder, one sign out of many is a child that only wants to attach to people through sex. The way my brain thinks that the only way to connect to anyone is through sex. Thus why my therapist said possible attach disorder.

@Chava said: "But you talk a lot about everything from all ages. I know it's murky and muddled with complex trauma. Read up more on attachment disorders and you might see if there are other ways you connect with those symptoms besides the sex part." And "But people who are interested in attachment issues generally recognize it in themselves."

But in the middle you are saying possible early trauma, so how again do i not fit into this thread and should post elsewhere.

@Chava said "@lostforgottensoul you talk about issues that are generally common with trauma. Given your family situation I'd wonder if there wasn't an unhealthy connection earlier than you remember, but that's generally what this post is about...issues related to attachment trauma or poor attachment, which happens generally at the very beginning of life. If someone has a good attachment, later traumas won't easily change their general attachment patterns (like you won't develop an attachment disorder if you were abused at age nine, but did not previously have an attachment disorder). But connection issues are common with all forms of trauma. This thread just happens to be about attachment issues (first months and years of life)."

So in this one and most of your posts you say, "i wonder if something happened in early years which is what this post is about"...then counter yourself by both saying "If someone has a good attachment, later traumas won't easily change their general attachment patterns (like you won't develop an attachment disorder if you were abused at age nine, but did not previously have an attachment disorder). But connection issues are common with all forms of trauma. This thread just happens to be about attachment issues (first months and years of life)." Which i call bullshit on that. First i stated my memory stopped at age 6 or 7, i stated my step dad had me in the van at the age filling the "daddy role" as my dad was phsycailly and emotionally absent but i can say even if nothing hapoened below age 5; which is doubtful, but tramua later wont easliy change attachment, my therapist acctually pulls the bullshit flag on that. You talk like tou are the expert therapist on this. And then later try to get me off the forum, create another post or to write a diary which i wont do. You might want to re-read your own posta as though you didnt directly say nothing happened below age 5, saying i dont have attachment disorder and because i tslk of all ranges means i donf have it. Thays no true.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You are okay, lovable and good. That is true.

I beg to differ...

aren't being actively malignant ( you aren't).

No im not. I just get irritated that someone wants ro be a thread policd and accuse of hijacking the thread when i didnt even start rhe convo, what about the other person in the convo, evsn @MSpock made some appaernces on the convo

 

[Kailani]

Please don't go!! Sounds like you need the forum and the forum likes you. Maybe just take a day or three to be ticked and stay. Everyone gets ticked; it's a PTSD forum!!!! Haha. As if none of us has made a mistake. Not that you did- I never saw one. One or two people is not all people. I have learned to ask is there any truth in this and try to see from another's shoes then try and let it go. Although it's not easy! Hopefully this is a bad day and tomorrow will be better!!!!!

 

[Stickler]

You can disagree if you like, but I think ( we think ) you are okay, lovable, and good. We firmly tend to believe it, even.

We're annoying like that. ;)