My Dual Ptsd Relationship Story..

[.45 Princess]

So my veteran boyfriend and I have been dating for about half a year. He really is one of the most amazing, loving, and kindhearted man I've met.

The first few months of our relationship were AMAZING. We had the picture perfect "healthy" relationship.

Things started to get really shaky when a lot of additional outside stressors started piling on while still trying to cope with our "demons".
(He was leaving the VA and our living situation didn't pan out as planned)

After many arguments we ended up giving space (his idea) which helped and it turned out we both needed it.
During our "space" he's been struggling finding a house and getting everything else situated while taking care of a fellow veteran who is also struggling with no one to help.
I had difficult time managing my PTSD effects and also experienced another trauma.

Even though we are no where as close (joined by the hip) as before, we've been talking everyday and have agreed to ease back in to "un-pausing" our relationship and just enjoy each other while we still work on our own shit.

Boyfriend was finally able to find an apartment to rent (with his buddy) this past weekend (YAY!).
But last Friday my boyfriend got very emotional (and drunk) with a buddy and his "Baby I love you so much", "You're amazing", "I miss you" texts which turned into "You're amazing and I don't I deserve you, I'm sorry. I love you so much though, etc. etc."
Trying to breakup with me to "save me" from his dark "monster" side.
Totally uncalled for and caught me off guard.... :eek:
He forgot about it the next day, and saying he definitely wants to be with me.

I wanted to let it go but it bothered me and I ended up bringing it up last night (spent the night together) and asked him try not doing/saying that again and to stop pushing away.

*I recently mentioned feeling like he doesn't want me in his life, doesn't invite/include me in his plans with friends/family and asked why he wants to be with me. Now I feel like a POS for adding to his guilt... :cry:*

Apparently, he's recently been feeling like his friends are more priority than I am and that he has been subconsciously pushing me away (again). He feels like a terrible boyfriend and that I so much deserve better....:sorry:
I mentioned to him about reading a few posts with similar experiences during isolation and that I understand and I'm not going anywhere.
We ended up in a bickering/argument...

We decided to drop it, cool off and discuss things "later" (day or two?).:hungover:

He did say I do make him happy (said that today, actually) why can't he just believe that he's not breaking me and trust that I'm strong enough??

I can't help bur feel like the biggest asshole for causing all that guilt... (He already has A LOT)
It breaks my heart that he can't see how amazing he is... Like he says I am. :cry::cry:

Any advice/inputs??

 

[Ronin]

Well there you have it though - he was exhausted, struggles with PTSD already, just sorted a difficult living situation, the water he jumped into is first new second not sure it will work out properly, and he was drunk. It's really best left away where it ended - with him getting sober. ;)

You're not a piece of shit (and it sounds neither of you is! Congratz.) for wanting to connect differently. Normal, human, appropriate need. Please don't label yourself in those unhelpful extremes.

Are his friends more priority to him, though? From another angle it simply looks like trying to let the steam off somewhere he doesn't have to worry about his behavior, just because socialization with differing gender people works differently. That's not about not wanting someone - that's just meeting different needs, with different people.

So, advice: Chill out (no, really!) - you're not causing extra guilt. You're talking, he's talking, you probably need to work out comfort zones and what of you two's coping mechanisms is compatible with each other, but all in all you sound quite decent, to me.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Just ride it out... Thats all you can do sometimes.

My vet tries to "rescue" me like that too. I usually hear him out, then tell him that I'm an adult, and I get to decide what is and is not good for myself. Nine times out of ten, when he talks like that he is going through a depressed/self loathing period. Listening to him vent seems to help. He can see I don't hate him, fear him, or think he's disgusting (or what ever else is going through his mind). I've finally learned not to get upset when he talks like this, so that is also helping with the extra guilt he'd feel for upsetting me. To me, this is more stressful than lashing out verbally, and is taking longer to get used to.

Actions speak louder than words, and if he wanted to leave me, he would... He hasn't so far.

 

[halflifeguy]

Actions speak louder than words, and if he wanted to leave me, he would... He hasn't so far.

That's exactly what I thought!

Really, it sounds like you guys have a great foundation in your relationship... communication, and you have great times when the pressure is off. Sounds like the relationship has a lot going for it. All that and, ironically, your compassionate supporting each other through your PTSD.

And then there is that meddling PTSD! I have found, in relationships, keeping the PTSD in perpective is helpful. I like to think of it as a tempermental kid that gets in the way by disrupting communications, meddles with my thinking, confuses my perceptions... yet, ultimately, it's your actions that show up the confusion of the PTSD.

 

[.45 Princess]

Well there you have it though - he was exhausted, struggles with PTSD already, just sorted a difficult liv...

Thank you, Cashew :)

All of those factors and his housing situation and my "new" trauma have definitely been testing our relationship. One after another. Then the big mess of PTSD poured right on top? Definitely have been feeling every turn on the roller coaster :wtf:.

You are right. I really wish I could've just shrugged off the drunk text/dial situation. We ended the convo with "I love yous" and I was reeeally hoping I could wake up and just forget about it like I normally would. I really regret it but I guess my own PTSD storm left me exhausted and I ended up readdressing it to "warn" and say "I've kind of been in my PTSD isolation/IDGAF stage too so please don't test it because I just might let go a lot easier".
I know its "spilled milk" already, but I really wish I kept my mouth shut. Especially since the drunk incident is a huge indicator that he's slipping and me saying that probably sounded like "I'm already hurt and you're pushing it" which probably added onto the guilt.. :banghead::banghead:

He definitely isn't a piece of shit. I don't think I would be patient if he was (on top of my own craziness lol)
I do try my best to not be a piece of shit. Unfortunately, I've had a lot more proof that I am vs not lol.

As far as the priority thing. I do agree and see the whole "relationship = expectation/more stress" vs "friendship = no expectation/more relaxed".
The the issue was that I was starting to feel like he no longer wants me in his personal life (like before) at all. We haven't really celebrated anything together or really gone out really since before our "pause".
I basically asked what my title of "girlfriend" means and that I don't want to feel like a "dirty mistress" (bad way of saying it on my part.. Especially since I knew that wasn't true.. :yuck:)

I just feel like an ass because it seems like I add more guilt when that's the opposite he needs....

 

[.45 Princess]

Just ride it out... Thats all you can do sometimes.

My vet tries to "rescue" me like that too. I usu...

Thank you, Sweetpea.

Ironically, I was the one that initiated the very first "rescuing" with the whole "push/pull" thing. He was very patient with me, thankfully.

To be honest, this was more hurtful to me because of his "reasons" for trying to break up. My boyfriend is one of the sweetest and kindhearted men I've known and it breaks my heart that he sees himself as the devil... :cry: Yet he describes me like an angel (which is faar fetched lol).
He does normally snap out of it but at times it really difficult when he goes dark.. and MIA :bawling:

He has always said that if he didn't want to be with me he would have been gone already and no one will stop or change his mind. I just wish he could see that I'm not as fragile as he thinks but way stronger...

 

[.45 Princess]

That's exactly what I thought!

Really, it sounds like you guys have a great foundation in your rela...

Wow.. You described it to a T! :D:wideeyed:

I really do think we have a good foundation (underneath all the PTSD chaos). We actually talk about CPT/DBT skills and my boyfriend has helped me quite a few times with grounding myself when my anxiety starts acting up lol :)

I think both of our empathy and compassion has been helpful for both of us but also not so great at times.
There was a period of time we were more focused/worried about triggering the other so much that we ended up creating more tension and arguing. Talk about double edged sword lol :cautious:

I loathe "temperamental PTSD" though... It's exhausting to say what I mean but to act the complete opposite (if triggered or worse)
Thanks to "evil PTSD" I have not made a very pleasant first impression some of my boyfriends' family :cry::cry: