Attachment Disorder And Stand-ins

[Dana1010]

Does anyone else think they might have adopted a stand-in to play their abusive/negligent parent in their adult life?

I am obsessed with this person from a few years back. Some therapists have suggested that it all may really be about my father. My question is, if it's about my father, why don't I just obsessively ruminate about my father? Why am I ruminating about this person instead? Wouldn't it make more sense to obsess over my poor relationship with my father (strangely, I hardly ever really think about my father--he's sort for dead to me)?

I don't understand why my mind would select this other person to represent my parental issues when I could be thinking of my actual parents instead. Maybe this person doesn't really represent my father and my therapist is falling back on cliches? Does anyone have any insight to offer? How can I end this obsession? If it really is about my father, can I only end it through processing my relationship with him? I feel like there's nothing there to even talk about--there's no feeling, he's just dead to me.

 

[seedling]

nothing there to even talk about--there's no feeling,

Sounds like dissociation. Maybe the other person is a safer option for working on the feelings. This other person isn't really your father, can't ever be your father and you have more choices about the relationship.

I'm not sure what to do about the obsession except to keep working in therapy. When I'm up against something like this I also work on acceptance of it and inviting it to just be in my life, even if I don't know what it's all about.

I've worked through stuff about my mother by working on relationships that I've taken on because I'm playing out the same role as I did with her.

 

[shimmerz]

Just a thought, but if you can 'fix it' with this other person, then there may be a faint hope clause in your head that you can compartmentalize your father as being 'the issue'. You WERE a good girl. Your best DOES matter. etc. etc. etc.

Of course it is NEVER that simple.... but I think the brain frantically tries to get it to compartmentalize, which it can't, no matter how many times you may try to replay it.

 

[Friday]

My question is, if it's about my father, why don't I just obsessively ruminate about my father? Why am I ruminating about this person instead? Wouldn't it make more sense to obsess over my poor relationship with my father (strangely, I hardly ever really think about my father--he's sort for dead to me)?

Theoretically attainable peer = Simpler than = complicated unattainable family?

 

[Dana1010]

Peer is unattainable. Also not exactly my peer--as he'd be quick to point out ;-)

 

[halflifeguy]

I see your dilemma. Therapy is the best way to get to the root of this, whay and what it means to you. Correct to say this obsessee is a platonic/not romantic relationship, and older?

Perhaps, in your mind you are burying/dismissing your father, likely as a coping mechanism.
This leaves an emotional/pscyhological void, the surrogate your obsessing fills the void.

Or perhaps your obsession relates to other events/emotions between you and the obsessee. Do you have a history? Even one you may not be aware of, but suspect?

Perhaps it's as simple as similar eyes/hair color, etc. to your Dad, some seemingly random physical similarity.

What can you tell us about this person?

 

[Dana1010]

Good points, @halflifeguy.

Correct to say this obsessee is a platonic/not romantic relationship, and older?

Yes, older, but not as old as my dad.. Not exactly platonic, but not a spouse. Sexual attraction for sure.

Or perhaps your obsession relates to other events/emotions between you and the obsessee. Do you have a history? Even one you may not be aware of, but suspect?

There are painful events and emotions connected to him and his memory in my mind, yes.

What can you tell us about this person?

Well, he was a psychopath like my father (diagnosed). And he had eyes similar to my father's--color, shape. Other than those two details, he was actually quite unlike my father in the details of his life. Treated me very poorly and rejected me--like my father again.

I wonder why I would be so obsessed with filling the void left by my father when my mother was equally unloving. Is that normal for females to obsess over/long for the negligent father, and males, the negligent mother?

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Does anyone else think they might have adopted a stand-in to play their abusive/negligent parent in their adult life?

I was married to mine. I'd say more but for one thing, you're way ahead of me that you could sum it up so succinctly. Not sure I've looked at it that way before.

 

[halflifeguy]

I wonder why I would be so obsessed with filling the void left by my father when my mother was equally unloving. Is that normal for females to obsess over/long for the negligent father, and males, the negligent mother?

Maybe it's just a hetero thing.... for example, I have had relationships in which the girlfriends replace my abusive dad. Though, it'd be hard to replace someone that was truly neglectful because there's no pattern of treatment or behavour to replace.

 

[Dana1010]

there's no pattern of treatment or behavior to replace.

I think it would be negligence--I mean that is a pattern of behavior. And I think children perceive negligence as rejection, so someone who rejects you could be the stand in for the negligent parent.

 

[halflifeguy]

I think it would be negligence--I mean that is a pattern of behavior. And I think children perceive neg...

Hmmm, true. I can see that.
I was thinking (my experience) of negligence as a total absence of interaction, to the extent there's no relationship at all.

 

[void]

Maybe it's just a hetero thing.... for example, I have had relationships in which the girlfriends re...

Just a kindly meant observation : Some str8 people don't like "Maybe it's just a hetero thing..." any more than some LG people would like "Maybe it's just a homo thing".