An Appology To Anyone That Will Receive It...

[lostforgottensoul]

I hope this doesnt come across wrong and i know i dont deserve forgiveness and i didnt want to create another thread (this was a message a wrote to someone that deserves an appology but i felt i owed it to everyone; so if i dont correct all the "you"s in it, its because its the entire message copied and pasted).

Even though I don't know if I'm staying here, will just lurk or what, I felt I owed everyone an appology.

I had no idea at all that I was making it seem to other people that my "trauma" is worse than anyone else's, or even that I was talking endlessly about me. I thought (at the time) that was just having a conversation. I don't believe that my "trauma" was worse that anyone else and i say that what they did is okay and justified and I actually feel and think everyone else had it worse than I; though I can't deny Im f*cked in the head. Which is partley why I've been in therapy for 7 yrs and haven't yet gotten to the recovery stage. I don't see my past as being wrong or horrible due to it being done to ME, if it were someone else then it would be horrible to me, I see myself differently or lower than everyone else on the planet so when I was doing so, it wasn't to make my "trauma" the focus. I do this in real life as well so im aware i do it without realizing im doing it (and accidently slip back in it in real life so if i do stay likely will slip at times here) but i was completely unaware that i was doing it here. I thought that i was just having a conversation. I unconsciencly turn a conversation to my experiences in an attempt to show that i understand or can understand how someone feels or thinks after they have stated it and its an attempt to show empathy, to show i understand where they are coming from in feelings and in thinking. Its not a conscience thing so i dont know im doing it and its not malious at all, its my attempt (horrible attempt i guess) to try to help the person im talking to and its not an attempt to stop others from talking or to take a tread off topic. If i stay and if anyone see me doing that, please just let me know that im doing it again; even saying "you're doing that thing again", i'll know what you mean.

I've caused so much trouble here and have now coiled back into myself and have no idea how to feel safe enough here again to stay (and thats my fault, no one elses) but I wanted to appologize to everyone for anything i may have said that may have hurt you and for causing trouble here. Its not on purpose.

People, and my perception of how they think of me very much dictates how i see myself, this is why something perceived as "harsh" can send me on a tailspin; and again thats my fault, no one else's.

I guess if i stay and become triggered, its best not to post. I thought, since the site and the conversations on the site were helping me so much, that if i posted it, i could talk to people through it; but that isnt the case...i just cause trouble.

People keep telling me to go to the diaries but my therapist and i had an entire sessions about the site's diaries; he was even looking at them while i was talking (he's the one that sent me here in an attempt to create support as its next to impossible ro do this alone; and people terrify me, i feel "safer" online) and he and i agree. He states that due to being what he calls "brainwashed", what has been helping me is the back and forth conversations. The "think of it this way" or "this is what i did" and the entire 3 pages of discussion of my "How Do I..." thread found in childhood is what allowed me to see the self awareness that i did and to make the step i did. Diaries dont get very many replies, and writing certian aspects of my past itself is triggering. I even tried to write and read it to my therapist and that doesnt help; its the constant pounding into me the countering replies to what i was taught. Its so engrained that for many sessions my therapist and i would go back and forth, he making me defend my "postion" (what was taught to me and now is my core beliefs) and he'd counter it and i'd have to defend it again, back and forth like a court session and i'd end up in a circle and say "well i know it doesnt make rational sense but i believe it anyway." I have no idea how my therapist puts up with me; and i understand why i wouldnt be welcomed back here with full opened arms. He says that it shows how well "brainwashed" i am.

Anyway, my point is, its not the writing of the posts that helps, and i cant talk it out with myself (that just fruatrates me) its the replies, the more the better that counter those thoughts that i go back and re-read over and over that helps me to be able to then, eventually, internally challenge my own core beliefs and diaries just dont get very many replies, ive been through most of them. Maybe if i can become less "brainwashed" and if i stay, maybe i will start one one day but i have tried to and it just doesnt work, i cant even post the first thing.

Anyway, im sorry for writing so much, i didnt mean to ramble so much; i just wanted to explain and im sorry if im coming across wrong; i just wanted to explain and appologize to you all, i really am not meaning to cause so much drama and trouble and this nor the others are an attempt to get attention. Im sorry and i hope you have it in your hearts to forgive me but understand if you dont. :sorry:

 

[Ronin]

Heya @lostforgottensoul

You don't need forgiving because you've done nothing wrong. Other people's reactions are just that, reactions, you're not responsible for them or 'causing' them, and you haven't done intentional injury to another, so there's nothing to really apologize for.

It's okay to not be alright with some modes of communication, like diaries, or not helped by them. Personal boundaries simply differ. Nothing wrong with that, either. They're just that, your boundary.

And if I may, maybe your therapist needs to see you through less toxic lenses. Having been a part of abusive groups doesn't make one 'brainwashed for life', just believing & living things that are not compatible with other parts of the world, or life at present. That all can be worked on, and isn't static in any way.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

maybe your therapist needs to see you through less toxic lenses. Having been a part of abusive groups doesn't make one 'brainwashed for life',

What do you mean by "less toxic lense"? Just asking cuz i didnt understand that phease.

He doesnt think im "brainwashed for life", i do. He calls what we are doing "priming the water pump" but i doubt i will ever get better and really have no idea why im fighting so hard, i dont see a way out of this.

You don't need forgiving because you've done nothing wrong.

I caused a lot of drama and trouble here. I know that what other people were upset over i didnt realize i was doing but i still caused trouble here and hurt people and i didnt mean to. :sorry:

 

[bluebird]

(((( @lostforgottensoul ))))

I send hugs, if ok... I have read your threads, although not responded to them, since I was not at my best. Your story is sad, but you are more than that - you are a living person trying to survive something really bad. And obviously - you are fighting all that bad. Not giving up. Which means you are awesome.

If you feel posting in here helps you, it is definitely good news. Perhaps writing a diary is good for people so they can easily find their older posts, compare the way they were thinking, acting years ago. Also, usually the same members respond to your diary, which is more personal,providing them with better understanding, allowing more friendships to develope. But you are free to post on whatever section you wish to post and it's completely ok.

You can have a diary where you can talk about everyday struggles and still post another threads, which works for many members. :-)

As @Cashew said, do not apologise, you did nothing wrong.

We all go through different stages in our healing process. Talking about your feelings, wishing for someone who would listen - it is completely natural, not a proof of "selfishness". Each story of abuse is bad enough. There is no such thing as competing for the "Worst Story Award". No one deserves to be abused. You are no exception, trust me. Whatever happened to you, it did not turn you into something inferior. If you get hurt, it hurts, it can hurt as hell and that does not make it your fault. I hope this makes sense...

 

[Ronin]

What do you mean by "less toxic lense"? Just asking cuz i didnt understand that phease.

No problem. :) What I meant is labeling a history as 'brainwashing' where there's more pro-active ways of looking at the issues, also ones that imply more current control over one's thought & actions, than that word tends to do.

but i doubt i will ever get better

Ever is a really long time.

no idea why im fighting so hard

Maybe because a part of you sees the way out, just not how to get there yet?
In every case, stay strong in that fight. You don't need to win every battle everyday.

I caused a lot of drama and trouble here.

We're a forum full of folks with very dramatic life; drama's par for the course. It's not that huge issue. And it's not the same as trouble. :)

 

[ladee]

@lostforgottensoul, I understand your need to apologize, but like @Cashew said, there is no reason. There was a huge part of me that could identify with your reaction and the actions you took.... been there a few times myself... but..... I see you as trying to sort it out, trying to own your part. Feelings. We all have them, they aren't right or wrong. If we all knew how to handle our self in all situations, we wouldn't be here in the first place.. I also understand your need to just read for awhile. But this forum is for all of us. One thing I am learning here is 'self forgiveness'. We are harder on ourselves that we would let others be. So, speaking for myself, I learned a lot from all that was said by everyone involved. I am still seeing support and compassion coming from those involved. I personally am glad you are staying and that you will do what is right for you. To me, it wouldn't be real if everyone got along all the time and everything was all sweet and fluffy. That to me is not real life.
So hopefully we will each take away something good from it all, learn new ways to deal with things, people, feelings. And to accept that others do care about us, warts and all. I appreciate your apology, and feel I know why you did it. So here's to moving forward, a little wiser, a little more open minded, but knowing we are cared about and supported.
Thank you for taking the risk. It is appreciated by me who is still learning to put one foot in front of the other.:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Perhaps writing a diary is good for people so they can easily find their older posts, compare the way they were thinking, acting years ago. Also, usually the same members respond to your diary, which is more personal,

providing them with better understanding, allowing more friendships to develope.

You can have a diary where you can talk about everyday struggles and still post another threads, which works for many members.

That makes sense but it scares me to write about details of my past and putting into words what races through my head and i struggle to find words for it. Ive only re-read my intro once and theres so many holes in it....

Something to think about though.

Whatever happened to you,

https://www.myptsd.com/forums/introductions.47/

it did not turn you into something inferior.

I was born inferior.

I hope this makes sense...

It does, thank you!

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What I meant is labeling a history as 'brainwashing' where there's more pro-active ways of looking at the issues, also ones that imply more current control over one's thought & actions, than that word tends to do.

Can you give an example of an a different word or words? I see him every Thursday, maybe i can mention it to him.

Ever is a really long time.

Depends on how long you make it. Not sure how much longer ever is for me...


I.wanted to say more but my sleeping meds and anxiety meds are putting me to sleep. I dont like sleep, scary things happen...

Thank you @Cashew! You havs got to be one of the most understanding and nice person ive ever 'met'! Is it ok if i follow you so that i could maybe measage you in times im feeling like im tailspinning or find myself on the traintracks (it has trains going by ever hour and cussing myself off for not acting when my mom handed me a loaded gun when i was 14 begging me to kill myself cuz if people go to hell for suicide and if there is a god, maybe he wouldnt send a kid to hell? But if its the same god that told them to do the things then he alreardy hates me....

 

[lostforgottensoul]

:hug:

Thank you! I dont let anyone touch me real life, i jump if even touched on the shoulder....except sex, but thats different..maybe cuz of self ritual...

But virtual hugs are safe so :hug:

 

[Fadeaway]

I hope you find that people here are generally pretty understanding. You aren't the first one to display symptoms of PTSD here and you are far from the last. We have all done it in one ofrm or another. Different types of trauma result in different forms of lashing out, but we all do it. I will be the last person to cast a stone.

I have seen the last few days as a cry for help, but at the same time, you don't know how to accept help. You are playing by a brand new set of rules. It takes time to learn healthy behaviors and coping skills. You have mentioned quite a few healthy behaviors that you don't know how to do yet. It is ok if you don't know how yet a long as you are willing to make an effort to learn.

YOU WERE NOT BORN INFERIOR! No one is born inferior. They are treated inferior and there for belive they are. I am speaking to myself as well as speaking to you, because I fight this battle every day. :hug:

 

[bluebird]

was born inferior.

You were not born inferior.

However, I totally understand that feeling. I know it too well. But feeling inferior, having been treated that way by people who hurt you? Still does not make it true.

when my mom handed me a loaded gun when i was 14 begging me to kill myself cuz if people go to hell for suicide and if there is a god, maybe he wouldnt send a kid to hell? But if its the same god that told them to do the things then he alreardy hates me....

This. This was so terribly cruel towards you. I understand you feel terribly because of that. No one should have done that to you. I hope you won't mind me talking about God - from my perpective, I hope this is not triggering for you. If you do not want to read, please, don't. Is that ok?

I grew up as a Christian and I still feel l like one, although I struggle with faith a lot. Despite having a good experience with the church, I tend to think God hates me, because I am bad. Even without anyone telling me God hated me, I often think so. But I also hope this can't be true. The "God" you were told about as a child was a lie, an image within twisting mirror like the ones in mirror labyrinths are. Of all people on earth those, who hurt you, are the last ones you should trust. So, if they made you feel like you were hated by God himself, you can be sure that it was not true then and if is not true now.

I have good friends who do not believe in god. They tend to think a lot about space, looking at the beauty of far away galaxies, reading the works of well known scientists. They do believe in good and love, trying to live according to their moral codex, because they want to. Not because of the fear of being sent to hell. Maybe this kind of thinking would feel better and safer for you?