Suicidal

[Upside Down Eagle]

I thought I was doing o.k this week.

But I´ve been feeling very lonely and not very understood at all. Even though I know people care about me.

Yesterday I broke down completely, it´s the revulsion of my own body, I hate it so much and combined with the crap that still haunts me from my abusers it has send me into a labile state of mind where I can´t think and want to end it.

I want to get out of this so badly. I mailed my therapist that I´m suicidal. She isn´t available on call because she´s with her family and that.

I´m f...ng scared that this is happening. I don´t want this. Don´t know what to do...
I know I need to break free of this mental state but I need to give myself a shove to get over that barrier so I can actually start helping myself...

Really just a rant or cry for help because I´m not thinking straight.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I hear you, @Radise . It is so hard when you are in that place. Sometimes when I am in a really bad state my therapist will tell me to just stay put. Just stay in bed, read, sleep, whatever I need to in order to pass the time until I can get help- whether it is my next therapy appointment or when something in my brain remembers how to help myself. So know that your cry was heard and my best advice is to "stay put" in whatever form that means for you to stay safe enough for now. My therapist is also fond of saying "This too shall pass." and I met someone who also struggles with PTSD who had that on a bracelet she wore. It may not feel like these suicidal thoughts will ever pass, but they will. There is a better somewhere in the future if you can just stay put for now.

 

[Ronin]

Hi Radise,
What would help you right now, if you know?

You're not alone. You're not disgusting, either. No part of you, not the whole, and it's okay if your head is full of very contrary messages right now, just wait for the time you can feel / hear it less.

Someone once told me something like, you were gifted to existence and it's the world's business to learn to appreciate you, not yours, you just keep in the world, hanging on. Thought it's vaguely befitting.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Thanks...

I´m just really scared...
I´m trying to ground somehow... this helps... have an icepack but my brain has disengaged completely, feel like I´m in outer space.

It helps to think that I might still be here in the future actually... thank you JK.

That´s an interesting viewpoint Cashew, my brain is telling me otherwise all the time..., not like I should trust this part of my brain because I know it pretty well and it does not have the best of intentions at all...

It would probably help to be mindful and try to call my soul back because it´s like I´ve gone from my body atm.
I think I´ll try that...

 

[Ronin]

feel like I´m in outer space.

What helps you float through? Just float, when attaching is difficult, be safe in that move.

I think I´ll try that...

Proud of you for immediate idea what can be tried, and willingness to try it out. Strength, my friend.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Been there so many times Radise I know how the loneliness spirals you down and how terrifying it is.

It can be an idea to stay in bed until can get hold of therapist, but I found that doesn't help sometimes. I can't read in that state, but can you watch some TV like comedies? I now have complete set of Michael McKintyre DVDs who is the funniest man in the World, but still if I am really down can't put them on, and just try and watch whatever is on, but if you can do something like that? I find even watching TV others talking, or even the radio or playing favourite music, helps feel less alone. It really is just trying something. Or sometimes it is just lying in bed crying it out till you sleep.

Is there anyone you can call? I really struggle with that but I do have one friend who I can call who helps just break that spiral a bit, but I struggle to call but when I have she has always been welcoming. So maybe there is someone? But that is hard when you are really bad but if there is a friend you can trust?

Sometimes I have forced myself out, which I know can be very very hard, but then I have done it and it has helped at least give some relief for a while. Even driving somewhere can help. Driving with music on seems to clear my mind now. Or walking with some music on. But if too bad can't drive but if you can that might help.

But then there were times that I had to get hold of my therapist and nothing else would do. But waiting for them to call is terrifying. So if you can possibly try any of the things above it might just give you a break it is so exhausting. Don't know what else? I guess I find writing on my diary here and someone replies just helps as I know I am not alone, so maybe just write and rant about everything. You are not alone.

 

[Thehalflingninja]

My therapist pointed out to me that I haven't always been suicidal. There was a time when I wasn't and I have been suicidal on and off in the past, so it follows that I will not always feel this way. It will pass and what I need to do is distract myself until it passes. It was a perspective I'd never heard before.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hang on. Distract yourself. Reach out to supportive people in your life for help. If you feel out of control please call 911. They can help when you can help yourself anymore. You are worth the fight.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

The weird thing is I felt fine... was actually feeling better... then suddenly I collapse. I have been bottling up a lot of sh..t lately... not talking about it... feeling like I would only be bothering people with things that are weird for them.

Is there anyone you can call? I really struggle with that but I do have one friend who I can call who helps just break that spiral a bit, but I struggle to call but when I have she has always been welcoming. So maybe there is someone? But that is hard when you are really bad but if there is a friend you can trust?

I apped my aunt if she could call me tomorrow. I have a hard time talking to anyone else, because again, I feel like I´d be bothering them... I´d be laying this whole heavy truckload of things on them. I´m not close enough to any of them to do so...

I don´t have a drivers license but I have considered that maybe I need to force myself to go run tomorrow, the winter has a tendency to make me depressive and only see the bad things... it has been raining and gloomy for 5 days in a row.

Hang on. Distract yourself. Reach out to supportive people in your life for help. If you feel out of control please call 911. They can help when you can help yourself anymore. You are worth the fight.

Do you think they could help...? Three years ago I actually called a suicide line... the guy was completely incompetent... he didn´t know what to say to me and pretty much made it worse... so I´m hesitant of strangers

 

[lostforgottensoul]

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/v_SF4z5ohr0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Hopefully the embed code works, here is the link

Not sure if this is any help at all but its what i listen to when I am really on the edge and ready to jump off (i think of suicide every day but this helps when im super close you know?)

sorry if this doesn't help, just thought id share what helps me (ignore the foreign words and listen to what they are saying, the English written words, and the words to the song...and think of anyone in your family that could be saying the same thing...thinking of my dad, the only one i have left helps me).

I dont have a lot of words other than you matter a lot, to me, to us, and to those around you (even if you don't know or feel or think you do!) :hug: :hug:

Message me if you'd like...i here for you ANYTIME!

PS: I kicked my step mom off the PC to post this cause it wont let me post links from my phone, thats how much you mean to me ;) :hug:

 

[Queen Boudica]

I know that feeling of being fine and suddenly collapsing. I have been fine and then suddenly fallen to the floor in agonising pain. I don't think it is that unusual.

I feel the same about calling people, I feel like a burden and very often the times I am bad are late at night. Yes I am very wary of loading a truck load of things so I don't say anything about feeling like I want to die, but just talking out about other stuff can help. It is hard, but that is good you can trust your aunt.

I have always found when I force myself, I have been glad I did. So yes a run even a short one. Problem I find is coming back, I end up in cafe or somewhere now, drawing it out. I used to hate sitting on my own in cafes now anything is better than home. Treating to something really nice to eat, even a coffee helps.

I'm very wary of suicide lines but apparantly there are some good people it is pot luck. I have never tried because I find it excrutiatingly difficult to talk to strangers and I had fear of talking on phone for ages. Ms Spock has found them helpful. You could try, if the person is bad ms spock has said just hang up and ring again. Or you can go online.

It is good you are on here.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Or you can go online.

There's online crisis lines? Like chatting? Im only asking cuz ive never called one when that close cuz i cant talk when im that close, but i can type.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

PS: I kicked my step mom off the PC to post this cause it wont let me post links from my phone, thats how much you mean to me ;) :hug:

Thank you this did cheer me up, I made it halfway through before spacing out, the lyrics are helpful :hug:

I feel the same about calling people, I feel like a burden and very often the times I am bad are late at night.

Exactly yeah the middle of the night isn´t the best time to break down ´cause you don´t want to be bothering people who are asleep and minding their own business.. I´m glad you guys are on here (thankful for different timezones...)

I used to hate sitting on my own in cafes now anything is better than home. Treating to something really nice to eat, even a coffee helps.

I think it might help to do "mundane" things like having coffee by myself somewhere because I´d need to get myself out there... might be weird since I´ve never done that before... think I should try it... :coffee:

There are few online crises lines that I´ve found operating 24/7... most of them seem to be closed at night?