Attachment Disorder And Stand-ins

[halflifeguy]

Void,

thanks for the friendly observation....and a sincere "Sorry" to anyone offended.

 

[void]

Void,

thanks for the friendly observation....and a sincere "Sorry" to anyone offended.

Thank you @halflifeguy for being so gracious.:)

 

[Go Hungry]

I would say that it's entirely likely that this person is a stand-in for your father. It's a weird dynamic, but it happens. In my case I harboured an great resentment to somebody who was looked extremely similar to the woman who caused some of my issues. It was only later on that I discovered that I was mistaking the two of them, at least on a sub-conscious level.

It's also easier to ruminate about somebody who you're attached to, but not -quite- as attached to as an abuser. It's easier to hate somebody that you aren't 'supposed' to love.

 

[Rumors]

I don't have much to offer except perhaps you are just replacing an ideology that was instilled in you by your father instead of physically similar characteristics. He instilled you are not worthy of love and respect and that you deserve to be treated like crap so you went and found someone who fulfilled that prophecy????
I think we become who and what we are told to be by our abusers. If you are told that you are bad, you innately feel bad and bc you are familiar with that behavior and treatment anyone deviating from that ideology becomes scary. You will always drift back to what is familiar until you become healthy enough to know the difference.
I hope you get that figured out!!! I am sending good thoughts.

 

[Dana1010]

so you went and found someone who fulfilled that prophecy????

Good thinking. I'm trying to remember whether I actively avoided people who were nice to me--there weren't many owing to my profound social awkwardness from the isolation of my childhood.

You will always drift back to what is familiar until you become healthy enough to know the difference.

Yeah, but I feel like I do know the difference, but I still feel drawn to it. It's really weird how you can become addicted to something that doesn't feel good. I'm trying to let go of the attachment to abusers, but it feels like an existential threat, because to me abuse is bound up with survival, because the people I needed for survival were abusers. Walking away from an abuser is like cutting off your life support, I'm finding. It's no joke. I hope I can come out the other side of this soon.

 

[shimmerz]

I hope I can come out the other side of this soon.

I think you probably ARE coming out the other side. You have recognized the pattern. Acknowledged it. Now I think it is just about 'what to do now that you get it'.

What part of you does he feed? Any ideas? Because it seems like part of you knows where this is going.

 

[Dana1010]

What part of you does he feed?

This is where I'm just feeling my way around. I don't really know what part of me he feeds. It feels deep, nameless, unfathomable. On a more superficial level, it's definitely something to do with being "good enough." Good enough for what? Sometimes I think it's sexual love, but it's also social acceptance, and maybe on the deepest level, parental love....? The last is speculation, because I've felt nothing but resentment and fear of my father for as long as I can remember, but apparently at some point there was a desire for love from him--I just have no memory of it. So what part of me does he feed? All I can really articulate is a sense of being "good enough."

 

[shimmerz]

it's definitely something to do with being "good enough."

That's a really good start. So then inside of you is not good enough so you need to look externally for whatever 'good enough' means to you? Good enough to make him sandwiches, good enough to make him laugh, good enough to have him want to talk to you? Good enough to have him care about you enough to want you around without you having to beg? Or good enough that it won't end up like the quote below?

The last is speculation, because I've felt nothing but resentment and fear of my father for as long as I can remember,

And if this is re-enactment, this is what you will feel towards this guy if he and you engage, imho. Or maybe, if he doesn't engage, you will keep after him until you feel like this. Boom. Re-enactment.

 

[shimmerz]

This is a really good posting Dana. It just opened up something in me. Fabulous. Thank you.

 

[Dana1010]

Yeah, @shimmerz, I've been thinking a lot about attachment disorder lately. It seems that a lot of us here have our complex PTSD inseparably bound up with attachment disorder, and it's sort of pointless for us to discuss them as separate disorders. The parental rejection was the master trauma, the foundational, primal trauma that all the others refer back to somehow.

 

[Rumors]

I think this thread has been enlightening for many. I am just now realizing that what I perceived as "anxiety" really isn't anxiety but instead emotion that I couldn't put a name to; fear, sadness, happiness, etc. Same holds true for attachments for me too. I never realized that I gravitated to people who treated me in a familiar way because I never knew what safety, respect, worthiness was. This I do know, I refuse to live the rest of my life letting people use me as a door mat and feeling like every time I have "anxiety" I need to stuff it down. Life it too short. I want to get my stuff in order and be happy. I am done allowing other people to have all of the power in MY life. I am ready to take back my life or build a life through good choices. I am ready to rise above what has happened to me and no longer allow it to define my future.

 

[halflifeguy]

You will always drift back to what is familiar until you become healthy enough to know the difference.

So true, so well said!

Been in relationships where "good enough" (shimmerz, phrase!) was, basically, codependent, servile and having none of my needs met. I was happy and content, good enough for me then... but in reality, so sad.