How Worried Should I Be?

[theshadowoftheliving]

Update: still here, still alive. No more head-in-oven incidences.

I saw my therapist this morning. Came clean and told her about what I wrote here. She wasn't happy and was more concerned than I wanted her to be ... I know that what I say sounds scary, but I really don't think that I would actually hurt myself. She said that the fact that I was so dissociative during these moments were what scared her, as well as the conflicting information that she was getting from me (since I told her that this stuff has happened a few times and I was just too scared to tell her about it).

She wanted me to go inpatient, saying it was the safest option for me. But, I panicked. Important work day tomorrow that I don't want to miss; I can't miss; my work is the reason I have to live and continue. She must have not been too concerned because it was easy to convince her to let me not go inpatient, and she said that she thought it was actually a really good thing that I wanted to fulfill my work obligations.

I've been working on finagling insurance to get into a DBT program, and she said we needed to be more aggressive about making that happen sooner, so we made some phone calls to inquire about intake together.

Trying to breathe. Hearing other people's concern for me is more troubling than what's actually happening to me, sometimes.

 

[barefoot]

Glad to hear that there have been no further incidents and that you talked this through with your therapist.

I know what you mean about other people's concern sometimes feeling more troubling than our own perception/experience. But sometimes that's the thing that is going to help keep us safer?

 

[anthony]

my work is the reason I have to live and continue

Did you tell her that? If so, that is the reason why. You have a reason to live and move forward with healing, beside what makes you happy, your work.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@anthony No, I didn't tell her that, but I think it's inherent in my actions.

I'm still safe, still alive, but still troubled by what keeps happening: when I was acutely suicidal in the past (making suicide plans, writing notes, gathering supplies) it made sense for me to be inpatient. A no-brainer. But this is confusing. I'm doing some of those actions but I want to be alive. The problem is that I keep dissociating and can't manage to control it always. So where is the line? And do I just gamble on my ability to keep myself out of trouble?

 

[Seasounds]

Re: being out of control, with disassociating:
You and your therapist can arrive at a good answer, for this.

For me, it seems like it is a process for everyone-myself included, to practice self-awareness, and initiate a change, like you did, amidst a crucial moment.

Regarding choosing to be safe: in my experience, it has always paid off, to play it safe, especially while learning how to change patterns. Staying in touch, and speaking about your situation, like you did in the last 24 hours, was 'Purrfect' :tup:. Professionals know that changing habits, benefits from support.

The more you notice (practice self awareness), and interrupt the self-harming cycle, the more you initiate a life-saving cycle-as you did with your therapist and with this forum. You are actually creating a bridge to more consistent, safe, problem solving.

Glad you connected to a desire that connected you to life. That tips the tide, opens the door, to strengthen your walk, to live.

A breakthrough! Good work!! It is a job, to observe, and associate to your behavior, and then become your own therapist, at the same time. :hug:

 

[stillstanding2]

And do I just gamble on my ability to keep myself out of trouble?

No. You are talking about gambling with your life. You can't afford to lose.You need to stay conscious of what works to keep you focused and safe. If you are not choosing inpatient treatment, you seem to be able to focus by working, and by being honest with your therapist and this forum. You are making progress, but don't drop your guard against yourself, Stay in touch with your therapist, and keep 9-1-1 and your crisis hot line as your default. And please keep talking to someone. We are always here.

This is not a risk-free world, but casinos are for suckers. Don't fool yourself.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

It happened again. I don't know what to do. Head in the oven, gas on. I'm not sure how I got there and I'm not sure what I should do now.

 

[stillstanding2]

It happened again. I don't know what to do. Head in the oven, gas on. I'm not sure how I go...

Call your therapist, the crisis hotline or 9-1-1. GET HELP NOW! Reply to let us know you are OK, but get face-to-face with help.

 

[barefoot]

Agree with @stillstanding2 - please get in touch with someone urgently who can ensure your safety.
And check in with us here when you can too so that we can offer you some support and know how you're doing.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I'm alive, I'm alive.

i didn't contact anyone, but I think I'm okay. I'm going to bed. Working tomorrow. I'll be okay. I promise.

 

[digger]

I'll be okay. I promise.

It doesn't seem, from what you are sharing here, that you are currently able to promise yourself that.

And do I just gamble on my ability to keep myself out of trouble?

No. You've tried that and you're still ending up with your head in the oven. Would you suggest the 'fingers crossed, hope you snap out of it' method to anyone else at this point? Be honest (with yourself)

 

[barefoot]

Regardless of your actual intention, if this is still happening while you're dissociating, I don't think you can say with certainty that you're going to be ok. It doesn't sound like you're in control of it. So, promising you'll be ok may be your current intention/hope/conscious thought. But what happens next time? Just want you to be safe.