What To Do With The Knowledge From Flashback?

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I went to see a horrible psychiatrist on Thursday (didn't know or realize he was horrible until afterwards). On my way home I saw part of a flashback that a younger part of myself was having. From this little snippet of flashback, my mind placed the image and realized a truth that up until now has really been guessing or hunches.

I have been dealing with learning from memories that had been repressed for about three years now. However, my system of parts (DID) is so protective of details that would confirm an abuser's identity and other details. I went on a quest about a year ago to dive into old photos and see if I could learn anything or get any feelings. That sent me into a really bad spell because my parts were angry since their job is to keep me from knowing these things so that we are safer (their views).

This one little snippet of a flashback has changed things for me. And whereas before I wanted to know the truth, now I don't ever want to know the who or the where. I am stuck with this information and it has been causing panic attacks and feeling ill all weekend. I can't get rid of the information or process it because I am not supposed to know it or speak of it based on internal rules and I don't want to upset any parts by breaking those rules. I have tried meds, grounding, journaling, containment, and tapping, but nothing has helped for long.

I don't know if anyone has any ideas of anything that could help, but I am welcome to reading them if you do. I feel so alone and confused and burdened.

 

[Jnean]

I'm sorry your going through this. I dont have advice. Wanted to say I too feel similar at times, alone, burdened, confused about similar things. Thinking about you right now and hoping relief for you.

 

[Fraenzy MDM]

I wish I had an advice, a trick, sth. that could make it less painful.
I can relate to your feelings, because I have sth. that is close to it and since a few months it is there, in my head and I cannot put it back anymore to where it belonged...deep down in this black memory hole...
I am still not sure what to do with it, so far I am telling myself its not true, it never happened, the root of my trauma is what happened to me later...not sth. that happened earlier... its not really helpful.

I´m sending you hugs and I hope that there is a coping strategy for this...I really do wish there is one...

 

[markymark]

I wish I had an advice, a trick, sth. that could make it less painful.
I can relate to your feeling...

When a trigger occurs, a natural symptom is avoidance, and if alters are associated with DID, it is their job to hold any information from you unless you're to the point you're willing to know this information. It's why people with PTSD have trouble recalling some events associated with the trauma. I'm to the point that I'm willing to accept certain information as long as I can handle it. Only facing that terrible information allows you to become less reliant on the alter for help. There's no easy answers except that after years of therapy and countless failed medications, did I finally realize that you can only heal by accepting the trauma. The only way to accept it is to accept the information by specific rules. My situation has been complicated by multiple TBI and spinal injuries with seizures and other neurological movement problems. I have physical and visual reminders and of my trauma and it's so hard sometimes to put that aside. But maybe I'm lucky because there are visual aspects others can see. Most PTSD sufferers don't. I can't fix the permanent damage to my body, but I can chose to create rules with my alters to help me face information being withheld. I'm certain that's where the anxiety and depression originates, humans are not to designed to forget horrific events. I'm certain we can learn to deal with them, I would have been dead by now if it wasn't true. I hope you can find your answers and begin to learn information about your trauma when you're ready, only you have the power to do so.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I hope you can find your answers and begin to learn information about your trauma when you're ready, only you have the power to do so.

Thanks for responding, I appreciate that. My problem is that I was not ready to learn the information that I did learn and I don't know what to do with it. I have fairly good communication with most of my parts but things got a little chaotic inside and so I, shall we say glimpsed the flashback of another part, and I am not ready to handle that. Now that I have it, I have to deal with it, but I am having great difficulty figuring that part out.

 

[Born to Run]

You mention seeing a horrible psychiatrist; is there a therapist you trust you could see? I am sorry for not being able to offer advice on this. Take care.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

is there a therapist you trust you could see?

I have a fabulous therapist that I see and will continue to do so. I was just trying to meet with a psychiatrist about some med. management that my primary care doctor won't do- she'll continue to prescribe what I currently have, but she won't change anything, which is fine except I can't find a psychiatrist.