Just Woke Up From Nightmare That Makes Me Want To Do "the Dog Thing"

[lostforgottensoul]

Im sorry if theres a lot of typos, im shaking so bad, just woke up so cant see straight yet and when i woke up i jerked my head hard and now my neck is killing me. But i hadnt had the nightmare since i had been on the site until i fell asleep wednesday night cuz someone was talking to me about it and it just keeps coming back now and my dreams are SOOO vivid and it gives me the horfficly strong urge to do it (my dog isnt intact so its just letting him do oral, not that its better, just wanted to explain that) but i was hoping that if i typed it out maybe i could stop or at least calm the urge to do it??

Im sorry if this is too graphic or gross or anything :sorry:

Its of the first time they made me have sex with the big dog (was a german shep mix i think); they were always intact dogs so that they would do intercourse w/ me. They usually would bring over several dogs and keep me and dog that was f*cking me seperated from the rest but i had to do one, then the next and they made sure that i knew how many and which type of dogs.

But the first time they only brought the one.

I was 12, everything happened so fast after my dad left my mom so im gonna refer to him as my step dad but he wasnt married to my mom yet but i dont use names so its the easiest.

So my step dad told me to take my clothes off and get on my hands and knees, that "god" told him that he wanted me to have sex with the dog. I remember thinking "what the f*ck; thats disgusting" in my head (i knew better to say that outloud though); but i also knew better than what i did do!

I started begging to let me have sex with the guys, please not this. He back handed me and said that wasnt to ever question "god"...and i never did again; (even when they made me kill small animals which came a few days later :( ).

He repeated his instructions but i really REALLY didnt want to. He tore my clothes off me himself, he tore my shirt doing that, and pushed me down on my hands and knees but as the other cult member was bringing the dog over i was thinking in my head "no no no, please not THIS" and i got up begging to just let me have sex with the men and that enraged him that i was embarrasing him in front of one of the members and the guy told him "you better get god's 'demon child' in line" so he picked me up by my hair, still holding me by my hair, he instructed my mom to fill the tub with just hot water (i didnt know why yet, that punsihment hadnt happened yet) and while the tub was filling, he shoved one of the pills down my throat and made me swallow it with water (i tried to put it in my cheek so it wouldnt go down cuz that they had given me before but i had to swollow the water and when i did it went down...i dont know how people do that in movies; ive never been able to...but until i became addicted to it, i tried really hard to); dont know what the pill is but it made me more compliant, WAY more hyper sexual, and numbed it some and then he drugged me to the bathroom by my hair. All along had no clue what he was about to do.

He kicked the back of my knees making my legs fold which dropped me to my knees; kneeling down by the bathtub...he still had a hold on my hair and remember i thought in my head "OH f*ck!" and he pushed my head under the water and held it there. It was just hot so it burnt my face til i couldnt feel my face any more but all i can really remember is needing to breath and was trying the get my head out of the water but i was tiny (5'4" but around 100 lbs at that point, i had lost weight and lost more weight until i was "earned the right" to eat reg food) he was this HUGE and strong man. He kept my head under watch what seemed like forever he pulled my head out and i remember gasping for air and coughing, he asked me if i was going to comply. I didnt answer and he only had to do that one more (likely because whatever the pill was, it was working?) So after the 2nd time, gasping for air and coughing i said "OK OK PLEASE STOP!" I think i was too weak cuz he wouldnt of killed me but someone holding your head under water is the worst feeling in the world! I should of just took the punishment! :(

I reluctently got on my hands and knees in front of the dog, backside facing the dog, the dog mounted me, sctaching up my sides and they had squeezed his penis to make his red thing to come out all the way and was holding it there while the dog got on me and they guided it in me, which hurt but my step dad was stimulating me the other way and so i got arroused and really didnt mean to.

The dog had sex with me and the entire time someone's hand was down there squzzing the base of the dog (not sure why) and my step dad had his hand down there simulating me the other way and i tried SOOOOO hard to not like it, i didnt want to like it, i didnt want to let it feel good but it did, and i started to give into it. I didnt want to but i think i eventually forgot it was a dog (though he was still scratching my sides) and i remember thay eventually i started to f*ck the dog back :( and i had this major orgasm but the dog wasnt finished (i dont know if it was cuz the guy was squezing him or why he was squeezing him still or if was cuz i had an orgasm fast (i dont even know how long it even all took) and dogs have this knot thing on their penises that most people that have this 'fetish" like but because i was so small inside its why it hurt, and it 'locked' me to the dog and the guys werent done in the least, my step dad still had his hand down there stimulating me the other way and another guy made me have oral sex with him while the dog was still having sex with me and it stated to feel good again and i started to have another orgasm but the guy pushed my head down using my hair to do so, like handle bars, pushing my head all the way down on him making me gag (something i still hate) and when i was having the 2nd oragsm,, which was more intense than the first, i accidently bit him? I didnt mean to and dont know really if i did or if my teeth just scrapped him (his fault for pushing my head down) but i had already fully had the 2nd orgasm on accident again when he had done this; for whay he said was biting him (on accident) he kicked me in my side so hard that hit knocked the dog off and out of me which REALLY hurt, felt like someone had just pulled my insides out, and i guess the dog was having his own orgasm or whatever at that time and it went all over me...OH MY GOD! I felt so gross, disgusting, dirty! He continued to kick me and i remember balling in the fetal position, protecting my head, screaming over and over "IM SORRY, IM SORRY" and my step dad stopped him, they talked quietly for a min, i remember my sides hurt SOOOO bad and i guess they agreed that i would be punished by cutting me inside and so they did.

I wake up in different parts of this nightmare which is just a re-play of what happened the first time. All the other times after that, i didnt fight it and i think eventually started to like it? It makes me have this HUGE urge to do it, its more than a porn addiction (porn is intermixed w/ this...human porn) its and urge stronger than any drug urge ive ever had, its a ritual urge which is different than an addiction, MUCH stronger. Ive had my dog for 3 yrs, before that i found ways to play out this ritual. Ive faught it but when i do i become SUPER suicidal but at times (especially recently) id rather be dead than to do it! And i ALWAYS punish myself for being bad by cutting myself inside...always. i hate myself that i do this! Im gross, disgusting, pathetic, immoral, an animal abuser! :( im sorry :sorry:

I dont want to now but i do want to cut down there for doing it in the first place!

 

[LuckyDuck]

Do you have any friends who can babysit your dog for a bit? You'd be protecting yourself and your dog at this current time.

You haven't done it. Keep that in mind. You're not your trauma. These sound like invasive thoughts of the trauma taking over. And yes, they can take on horrible confusing emotions. It's torture, really. This is why you need to have the dog baby sat for a time being. This allows you to have some space and focus on getting better. Like you said, it's like a drug. The worst thing is to have the substance of choice near a person recovering from it.

If you're currently seeing a therapist, book an emergency appointment. If you don't have a therapist, I really suggest you get one.

It's definitely a moral dilemma. This is a defining moment for you. It's not easy at first. I think you've already understood that. You were strong enough to write this out, I think you're strong enough to do what needs to be done to keep yourself and your dog safe.

LD

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Do you have any friends who can babysit your dog for a bit? You'd be protecting yourself and your dog at this current time.

I dont, i dont have any friends and the only people i know well here live w/ me whom also has a male neutered dog. I havent done anything w/ their dog.

Im afraid that might spark back up how i was doing it before; a 'fetish' website where id go meet men VERY willing to bring an intact big dog.

And i dont even have to go that far, i have a 'freakish' neighbor that likes it.

Im not atracted to my dog or anything. Ita not like that, its a re-done ritual that even before i had my dog (1st one ive owned since being an adult) i was able to redo this ritual.

When my dad askes if i wanted a pitbull, once i found out it was a male dog, first thing i asked is "is he neutered?" Cuz i knew what having him could do. And if you were to rate him preforming oral on me or him having intercourse w/ me (both ARE bad & not ok) but if you HAD to rate the two, id rather NOT have intercourse w/ one plus that also leads to harsher punishments.

But the urge and ritual went completely away; only after this nightmare; as did the nightmare until the other day.

I really REALLY hope posting this (as much as im sure people here think so horriblly of me) but i really hope it hasnt shifted the blame back to me...as i just moved it and dont think i can do that again and remain alive; and i dont want to back peddle. Thats also why im scared to start listing bad things i think of myself to start drilling into it. My brain really wants to move the blame back over, not sure why but it does and im fighting like hell the keep it on them and off me.

Im sure peope here will think im a horrible person, i do, but i posted this to NOT do it...and i didnt. So at least thats good.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My therapist also does know about it and i cant make an emergency appointment w/ him; they dont do that in a group. I wish or id be doing there every time im about to down a bottle of pills ans chase it w/ vodka or jump in front of my train by my house.

 

[LuckyDuck]

Confessionary abstainment is part of the process, but used as a sole treatment doesn't work. Morality is nothing without its evolution.

 

[LuckyDuck]

Ah. I finally read the sentence right.

Yeah, group therapy is difficult. Especially with this kind of sensitive stuff.

Glad you have a therapist who is aware of your situation. The confessional abstaining part might in this case prove beneficial. It's a first step.

 

[shimmerz]

Im sure peope here will think im a horrible person,

No. You had horrible influences. The majority of us get that. However, you have a problem you need to solve. Immediately. What about your T? Does he have any ideas as to how to keep your dog (and thus yourself) safe in this case?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

The confessional abstaining part might in this case prove beneficial. It's a first step.

Thats why i posted it, and this close to my last and biggest step i took in 7 yrs. If one would ask what is the first redone ritual you want to stop, this would be it.

My dad also asked if i wanted a pitbull due to not feeling safe and the 2 weeks after the shooting and before i got him, ALL of my rituals went insanelly worse, including this one.

Get rid of the dog that i do very much love (like everyone loves their pets) then i think it will make me unstable.

Just how i feel, knowing myself as much as i can and when/why i do the rituals (as much as i can understand it) thats just my fear. And i dont want to have to try to rehome a putbull and be sure he wont be forced to fight. He never has and i dont want that for him. And it would break my heart. He's there for hugs when im hurting! I dont want to give that up.

I dont want to have to go that far. I CAN do this without having to give him up! Im determined to.

I think the nightmare came cuz i was attempting to grieve my child self but fell asleep while typing it (on my phone). Thank god this woke me up, i had forgotten to set my alarm...

I also posted it because you cant get better if you do things in secert, even if it does make everyone here not like me... :sorry:

 

[Ellabella44]

we dont think youre a horrible person. i hope you are resting after writing that. writing out a trauma as descriptive as that has to be exhausting. but posting you did alot of heavy lifting.

Most important is that someone heard your saying no to all you went through.

You reached out asking for help.

You asked for understanding.

You asked for support to not do what what you were forced to do.

I hope seeing this list here would show you that even though this was scary, the nightmare, the urges, the shame, etc, that you have made some progress against what you went through. Dont give up! Healing is hard and from the sounds of things you have just started.

You are not a demon child, that sick twisted man and those with them are the evil ones. they should feel your shame etc and its so unfair that you do instead. Please take care of yourself.

 

[Chava]

I want to be careful what I say because I know you have a pattern of adding new posts to go away and say someone triggered you and blamed you on your previous post. That's not what has happened here (or other posts, btw). I'm wondering if you confuse blame for your abuse with "blame" (that's not the right word, "responsibility" is more accurate) for your current actions. ??? You aren't responsible for what your f*cked up parents did to you. You are responsible for what you do now. And even if it's regrettable or you want to change but don't know how, you are still responsible. That doesn't make you a "bad" person. It's not black and white like that.

Did anyone on this forum let me, as an alcoholic, excuse my drinking or make it about what happened to me as a kid? No. They nudged me to get to AA, call someone, do something different...anything but drink. That's really all this is about. It feels like you want someone to post that you are not a bad person. You're not. But people are reacting to your behaviors, towards your dog and also towards yourself, because you are reenacting abuse. And you don't want to hear it because you feel blamed. Well, you are responsible for what you do right now, like it or not. And if you feel like you will swallow pills or jump in front of a train you need to call 911, get to an ER, or get other direct help now.

Writing about your traumas in detail, right after a nightmare, and also posting over and over without any wish for challenge but only validation of abuse reenactment, might in itself be over-exposure for you right now...as in triggering.

Please reach out for direct help if you need it. You aren't a bad person, for the record. I never said that and I don't see that anyone else has. Feel free to block me again if you can't tolerate me. I sense that's the case but I see you going in circles with this and not getting responses you like...so am wondering if there is a different angle or if you are triggering yourself from the amount of exposure right now? What is the healing motive here if you want countering, as you say, and yet you don't or you only want it in a way that takes responsibility off of you? You re=Again, you were NOT to blame for your abuse. You might need to talk with your therapist about separating past/present. Time and events and responses get all globbed together for us trauma survivors.

As for "make everyone here not like me", that's just not true. And it's not really fair for you to tell others how they feel about you, fyi. You're injecting your own beliefs. And you're also doing a subtle maneuver of blaming others here for your bad feelings...and, though rather passively, you seem to try to throw other forum members under the bus for "triggering" you because they didn't give you the response you wanted. And you post elsewhere and twist what they said (that's insulting). I'm not going to sugar coat that part. I just see patterns like a hawk (let's blame my trauma for that one).

You aren't a bad person, I don't dislike you. I do worry that you share more than you are mentally prepared to dialogue about here, especially with huge range of posters coming and going and responding in their own ways. Alright, I'll leave you alone (note not disliking you but have gotten the message I am not a help, and honestly not sure what you are looking for but wanted to set a little bit of this straight). Reach out if you need more help today.

 

[The Albatross]

Chava said what I was going to post here, "Writing about your traumas in detail, right after a nightmare, and also posting over and over without any wish for challenge but only validation of abuse reenactment, might in itself be over-exposure for you right now...as in triggering."

I read your post and was shaking my head. It took me a long while this morning to put words to what was bothering me. When I came back to say it, she had said it already.

I guess the other thing is, when I was having suicidal ideation... I had my mister remove items from our home and put a safety procedure into place. It was a standard part of risk assessment. I think you'd do well to look into that and pause to consider that as well for your rituals and urges to cut/self harm. So I would consider rehoming the animal not out of the realm of possibility.

You say your dog is there to protect, but it is also objectified by you and is a means to do behaviors that drive the cycle. I am way out of my league but think I would pause to consider what some of the others suggest.

That you have a freakish neighbor is a bit irrelevant in my opinion as well, as you'd actually have to make contact and leave your home for that I expect? Just some thoughts.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

However, you have a problem you need to solve. Immediately. What about your T? Does he have any ideas as to how to keep your dog (and thus yourself) safe in this case?

I dont like that word 'immediately'; its making me feel like i need to faster than i can go, and its why (i think) it came back.

Which is the question im trying to answer, why did it go away right after i joined here and then come back after a had messages someone asking for help w/ the porn 'addiction' (addiction is how it feels but its wayy more than that) and thus this as they are intermixed as it is w/ most of my redone rituals. Wouldnt promise him what i dont know i cant keep this stating he didnt want to talk w/ someone not wanting to get better.

I am the poster child for someone that wants to get better!

Why it stopped when i joined? I felt safe here i think. I dont know. Why it started back, i felt judged, pushed, and abandoned.

My therapist and dont speak about specific rituals really; except last week when i was triggered over it thus leading to what happened here.

We can though, but they are all done for the same reason so what works for one may work for them all. But that doesnt mean i cant ask him specifically about it.

Must wait til Thursday though.