How Do I Drill Down To Something Smaller?

[scout86]

Both of those reasons make sense to me.

How much other experience did you have feeling "loved" or "safe"? How many of those experiences were anywhere close to "normal"? How many other options did you have, for different ways of feeling "loved" or "safe"? Humans are apparently hard wired to need both of those things.

How do you think an adult SHOULD show love to a 12 YO child? Leave yourself out of it, ANY 12 YO. Should a 12 YO feel loved? How does that work? Should a 12 YO feel safe with the adults in her life? How does a normal adult make a child feel safe and loved?

There's a whole bunch of questions you can ask here. Just go with it and see where it takes you.

I feel like I ought to throw in a disclaimer here. This is how I play with this kind of thing. I'm pretty sure there are a lot of variations and that some things work better for some people than others. It wouldn't surprise me if the way I do it doesn't work at all for other people and I kind of expect that other people have other things that work for them. What I'm saying is, if you can find ways to look at this that work better for you, go for it, and maybe other people have suggestions that will work better.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Both of those reasons make sense to me.

How much other experience did you have feeling "loved" or "saf...

I can toss that around but still feeling unloved and unsafe, not real sure where its gonna take me.

And i still feel like its just gonna be a fight with myself without countering replies...

 

[Nevermore]

I read somewhere that it's all wrong about parents being hard wired to love their children, it's more like children are hard wired to love their parents! I think this is true! Children love and trust their caregivers because there is hardly a choice, it's natural.
Unfortunately not all parents are suitable targets for that love.
On loving and thinking still of your stepfather - well, for me I didn't love the man who abused me as a child so that was easy. BUT I did love the man I chose to be with for many years who was very abusive and cruel in many ways. Why did I?
I'm tired of feeling shame about it. I just did. I wish I didn't, but not all things in life are logical.
I'm not sure we should feel shame for loving another, even if they were very wrong - as your stepfather was. He is the one who should feel shame, not you.
you sound overwhelmed - a horrible feeling and common after multiple traumas.
Be patient with yourself. It takes time. I think it took me about four years to be able to sit with myself and think clearly on what happened ( hope it's quicker for you)
I'm not sure what happened here but I think it's probably pretty easy to get triggered or trigger another on a site where everyone is somewhat fragile. I'm sure you're not alone there!
I get kind of paranoid myself often on here.
You can work through it all but not all at once - that's when the overwhelm happens.
Creativity in all forms helped me more than words could for a long time. I find it easier to express myself that way and feel heard. Even if no one else really know what I'm saying.
on feeling different to everyone else - I too feel that way, but wonder if maybe everyone feels a bit like that.
And yet in many ways when someone speaks as openly as you have, I feel like I can relate to the feelings even if my experiences are different.
Phew sorry for the long posts!
Hope you get some peace soon!

 

[scout86]

not real sure where its gonna take me.

You probably have to SEE where it's going to take you to know.

And, maybe you DO feel "unsafe and unloved". What are the implications of that? It may be unpleasant, but is it intolerable? Because you feel that way now, does it mean you will feel that way forever? How does one go about feeling "safe and loved"? (And yeah, I know you've used sex for that in the past. OTHER ways.) What would give you those feelings? Are the 2 feelings the same, or are they different? Can you feel one without the other? Would you KNOW if you were safe and/or loved? How?

 

[Nevermore]

By the way I'm glad you still want to love and be loved! There is freedom in that!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm not sure what happened here but I think it's probably pretty easy to get triggered or trigger another on a site where everyone is somewhat fragile. I'm sure you're not alone there!
I get kind of paranoid myself often on here.

Im not triggered or paranoid; im hurt. And it doesnt matter what happened, what was said was said by many and though i still dont get why they cant see i couldnt go anywhere until the blame shifted, not because "the heat got turned up", which just happened a few days ago.

Its the content, not the numbers. If i make this place a "war zone", if i "gaslight" which i still have no clue what that is, "mulipulate, play the victim, bash others, and get the sympathy of the staff" (all very untrue, i dont even know how to mulipulate, on purpose anyway; i dont play the victim; im spit in half...the brainwashed me which very much fights getting better and the me inside screaming and crying for help). And i dont bash others, i try to help others as much as i can but if ive told you polietly that i cant handle talking about something and then you bring it to another thread and throw it back at me then get mad that i dont want to discuss it, what the f*ck do you expect?

I have made the changes asked of me when i felt like leaving previously; i dont purge a ton of my past on replies in other's threads anymore, i type less, i break things up.

Its said we are able to write our trauma freely without judgement but that doesnt seem to be true; again its not the numbers, its the content.

I wrote of a dream BECAUSE i didnt want to do it, wanted some accountablity, and some ways (which i got a way) to stop; which i also put into action that very next day. But i didnt make anyone read it did i? But im made to feel bad for writing it and being too detailed (though we are freely able to)?

My therapist sent me here for countering replies and all replies are taken in, tossed around, thought about even when it didnt seem like it; because im fighting inside my own head, i have not one real life person to counter it outside of his sessions.

And ive felt the need to leave the board several times and im writing out my feelings in my diary but then will come off the board because if i make this place that bad then i should be here. If i make people THAT uncomfortable, then i shouldnt be here.

Sorry, was writing some of this stuff in my diary, didnt mean to taks this off topic.

@scout86 thank you. At least i have some direction to go.

 

[blackemerald1]

@lostforgottensoul it is very important you validate the healthy side of yourself regularly. Yes, your trauma was horrific, but even the fact that you want to work it & improve yourself & deal with it, instead of keeping it a secret is IMHO that you have a notion of what right & wrong are already. So when you follow @scout86 logic, don't entangle your first answer with but this, but that & wind up in a mess all over again. Take it slowly, remember it took a long time of abuse & it will take a long time to get it straight. Follow the sign posts but stop yourself from jumping from childhood behaviour trauma DONE to you to the adult you are today. Use the healthy part of you to validate what you must do...start as @scout86 suggested & use that bit only till you can ABSOLVE yourself over something that was horrific & not your fault.
Then, move on to another part of the trauma & repeat the process stay with just that one issue till that false belief is dissected & you again totally without mitigation lay the blame solely at the perpetrators feet & absolve yourself. It's a long painful process but if you stay with the method, you have an excellent chance of getting this trauma under control.

 

[Justmehere]

And i still feel like its just gonna be a fight with myself without countering replies...

You are getting strong countering replies. Re-read what @scout86 and @blackemerald1 others have wrote.

This process is going to be a fight with yourself, a fight to reclaim compassion for yourself, your child self that endured this abuse. You are going to feel shame and judgement for a little while. The feelings will eventually shift. Feelings are not fact. They have value, but they are not always accurate.

That shame and judgement belongs to someone else. Kids feel love for abusers because they have to survive and survival means keeping the relationship with the caregiver. Kids can't see the abusive caregiver as shameful because if they did, they couldn't maintain the relationship for survival. It's called trauma bonding and it makes patterns like this hard to break, but very important to break.

Now you are an adult and free from them, and you get to decide who is worthy of the shame. It's going to be hard at times, and I so wish it wasn't.

If anyone else here wrote those same thoughts, would you think they were accurate? Would you think that their childhood abuse occurred because they let it happen and thus they are worthy of shame?

Let's take it a step further...

If a 12 year old child told you they thought the same things, would you think the child was right? That the child let them do it to them and etc? Would you think that child is worthy of shame and judgement? Would you agree with that child's abuser that it was really a matter of the child letting it happen to them?

If you counter with of course not but it was true for me, that's a distortion. To think you had powers no other child does.

This process is going to likely stir up grief and pain, and that pain is going to pull you to fight it. It's ok, it's not a sign that you are failing. Just don't give up the fight. Your inner 12 year old child needs you to stick this out.

 

[blackemerald1]

How others respond to your trauma is their issue. Don't entangle that into your desire to get well.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You are getting strong countering replies. Re-read what Link Removed and Link Removed others have wrote.

I meant when i start to drill into it; its gonna be a fight with myself and thats maddening but its what i feel should be and what a lot want to be, so it is...after i get my diary post writren that is as i feel thats important.

How others respond to your trauma is their issue. Don't entangle that into your desire to get well.

It doesnt, i still want to get better just as bad, it just takes the only support i have away; and i fear (though dont yet know) that my brain has moved the blame back.

I do know the cult beliefs are re-enforced and i cant seem to counter them or at least shut them up.

I'll live. I have lived 34 yrs and before i came here, im sure i will live (unfortantly) after here.

If anyone else here wrote those same thoughts, would you think they were accurate? Would you think that their childhood abuse occurred because they let it happen and thus they are worthy of shame?

No but remember, i think im not like everyone else, worse than, other...

This process is going to likely stir up grief and pain, and that pain is going to pull you to fight it. It's ok, it's not a sign that you are failing. Just don't give up the fight. Your inner 12 year old child needs you to stick this out.

Go tell those that that says im "gaslighting, manupulating, getting sympathy of staff, made the board a war zone, bash others, need so much help that apparently i need to stop working and become hospitialized (not sure whom would pay for that, not working then no insurence and already been turned down for disabilty...and whom would pay the bill while waiting for that anyway?)" and the dog thing was stopped "immediatley" because i wanted it to and was given a good thing to do instead that worked and i put it into action. It wouldnt of w/o that which came from my post.

Have not a clue what anyone wants from me. Im trying as hard as i can with what i have while having no one in real life and trying the hardest i can to work anthony's process. I dont know what else people want.

 

[scout86]

but remember, i think im not like everyone else, worse than, other...

(Just FYI, I can be relentless to the point of annoying, so just tell me if you want me to stop) BUT, let's "drill down" on that thought there, how about?

You're "not like everyone else".
Who is "everyone else"?
How are you different? (Specifically. HOW are you "worse" since I'm guessing that's where you're going to go?)
Do you think it's possible that your abusers wanted you to think that? and taught you to think that? NOT because it's true, but because it suited their purposes?
More things you can ask yourself about that line of thinking?

 

[Justmehere]

This isn't about what other people want. This is about you. And that inner child that needs you to protect her from your own shaming her.

It would be ideal to keep this thread on the one topic of following this process out. Not those other issues of how people responded. I get that those responses by other have added to your own negative self talk, but their responses to you are not the root issue. They are important matters that have been hashed out in other threads. Doing that isn't changing the pattern. This work through this process requires focusing on the root issues. A thought log (again, different than a trauma diary) would help show that this comes down to root issues, that Es come up in current circumstances. The long term solution to how people repainted is to wrk through the root issues and thoughts. It isn't to ignore those matters that came up, but to keep this process (and this thread) focused on those root thoughts that were there before you even joined the forum.

You think you are different than all other people and that abuse happened because you let it. That sound like several types of distortion. It makes you very powerful to be able to control what others do, like your abusers, and it makes you very unique in all of human history. If that's what you want to believe, none of us can talk you out of it. It is very distorted.

What would be the downsides to believing that you were not different than other children and that you had no special ability to control your abusers that other children don't have? If you believed that, then what? This is a really important question. The answer to this, the downsides to believing this are what you are fighting.