How Do I Drill Down To Something Smaller?

[scout86]

to tell you WHY i define myself as "other" or lower than everyone else.

Remember the "language matters" deal? I wasn't asking "why" you define yourself that way, I was asking "how" you define yourself that way.

I have an unfortunate tendency to follow the next interesting idea and forget what ever the last one was. I think @The Albatross makes an excellent point about sticking to one item at a time. I get that there are lots of thoughts and feelings floating around. All by itself, that can be overwhelming. Just as a matter of learning discipline in the art of problem solving, making yourself (and us) stick to one item at a time is a good idea. This drilling down business, as I understand it, is about focusing closely on one thing at a time, in all it's details. So, maybe you should pick a specific item, and let's go from there. (And, yeah, "Work First!")

 

[lostforgottensoul]

The problem, as far as I can see it is that your belief system dictates that you defend your position regardless of external feedback.

Thats what i waa trying to say, it looks thay way but i really dont. My programed side does, very much fight it, but me, inside my programed self takes in all feedback and churns it over and over and over until something makes sense or until i get frustrated, one of the two usually happens.

FYI: the only thing that threw me was the word 'immediatley' and i did stop it immeditatley but only b/c i waa able to take the well given advise of a poster in that thread into action which showed me emotions surrounding the ritual, likely all of them. I wouldnt of been able to do it that fast w/o that advise.

Liking a few posts would be a great help

Sorry, i dont hit like a lot on much in general...nothing against anyone. Actually if freaks me out when i see one person liking all of everything i post, not that im against it; i think due to my family internet stalking me it sorta freaks me out but thats my thing. Im also at work trying to reply to as many as i can. Sorry, will try ro "like' more

Do these thoughts and beliefs work for you?

No. Mt Everest it seems though. Trying like hell to change it.

Can you define what love is without sex involved? Can you define what sex is without love involved?

Possibily. Good idea to try or at least what i would like it to mean w/o sex?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Remember the "language matters" deal? I wasn't asking "why" you define yourself that way, I was asking "how" you define yourself that way.

Sorry, misread that. How, hmmm. I dont know, intresting question tho. Let me think about that for a bit.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Or perhaps saying 'thank you' in a post regarding helpful advice. You may find that people feel as if their time and energy has been honoured by you.

I do try to thank people but will try to do that more. Sorry about that.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I think that a good rule of thumb might be to keep a topic on topic... you're running yourself into circles here and predictably that is confusing the issue.

Sorry, wasnt trying to go off topic, more missplaced venting from a hurt place. Was trying to put in my diary and got sorta distracted going back and forth.

Will try to read your other message between calls before my meeting at 3pm EST

 

[lostforgottensoul]

On your basic list for instance, your love for your step father wasn't even on the list?

It wasnt because i was using the example in my diary before the blame shift asking for help to narrow stuff down. I used the love for my step father replying to someone using their example. I can throw a millon things out there. Just seems everything i came up w/ is too broad and couldnt seem to narrow anything down.

Thanks for your help.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Remember the "language matters" deal? I wasn't asking "why" you define yourself that way, I was asking "how" you define yourself that way.

How do i? Still thinking of this. To me it just is. Not sure if that makes sense though. Still churning this over. In a meeting so will come back as my lunch is right after. Maybe i'll have an answer then.

 

[shimmerz]

Thank you Lost. Liking is a very important part of the etiquette here. Acknowledgement in thank you's actually helps people viewing your ideas to understand what is helpful and really aids in whether to 'drop' an issue or continue on with it. I am, actually, attempting to be helpful and need guidance from you as to what fits and what doesn't.

 

[joeylittle]

I generally stay overwhelmed; tossing things around w/ my cult brain fighting me.

This is why, in my opinion, you need to work some regulation skills first. All trauma work starts with stabilization - so that when we get overwhelmed, we can bring ourselves back to a coping place. Has your therapist ever talked about grounding skills, coping skills, or distress tolerance?

Sometimes i can get to a "lightbulb moment" but trying to unbrainwash youself is like trying to climb mount everest w/ 2 broken legs (or thats how it feels). I was hoping that this site could be like a person w/ the one w/ two broken legs, hold on to his shoulder. He must walk by himself but someone can help him along to get up the mountian.

Yes and no. Really, your therapist is the person most able to walk you up the mountain. This site is like a camp full of Sherpas. We can tell you where we think the good paths are and the pitfalls are, but we aren't a therapeutic service, and this is not a substitute for therapy.

If you did a thought log, you would likely be able to better see how that thought affects how you feel and how it impacts the way you act.

Seconded. It's the link I gave you, @lostforgottensoul, to this page - http://www.cognitivetherapyguide.org/thought-records.htm - where you will find two different styles of thought logs (also known as thought records). A thought record allows you to challenge yourself. It's an incredibly effective tool. You have to sit down, focus, and answer one question at a time. Often you'll notice things that will lead to other thought records you want to do. You can look back on them. They are exactly the structure you are looking for. I've read your posts carefully, and truly believe that doing some thought records would be an incredibly fruitful exercise for you.

Also: As senior admin for the forum, I'm telling you to stop rehashing past threads. I believe that you don't understand why it's a problem to do that, because that would be very common for someone navigating Borderline. But, because you can't see it, you have to trust me when I tell you:

• repeatedly bringing up how you have been misunderstood by members here
• re-explaining why they are wrong and you are right
• saying that you have no way of doing this work without the help of the board
• saying that you will hurt yourself without the help of others here
• saying you will go away because people here are mad at you

These things are manipulative. I believe you when you say that you aren't aware of them as manipulations. So, I am telling you that in fact, they are, and they need to stop.

I want you to go back and re-read this post, a few times, because it likely was triggering - but take some deep breaths, re-read it, and understand that I am giving you help, not criticism.

I hope you can accept these things, and move forward with them clearly in mind.

I also strongly encourage you to show this post to your therapist, and ask him to work with you on the Borderline symptoms that interfere with your ability to re-ground/tolerate distress. He might be able to suggest a parallel DBT group you could participate in, even one that is peer-mentored and free.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I am, actually, attempting to be helpful and need guidance from you as to what fits and what doesn't.

I know you are and thank you! I do try to thank a person but at times forget and i suppose it comes off wrong. I 100% appreciate everyone that has helped me on here (though sometimes i forget to say it); and i also value very much as a friend.

Sometimes i dont know what i need but what i do know from yesterday is apparently ive made myself very miss understood in here (something i think i did). What folks need to realize is really 2 things

First; I just only took the biggest step i have ever taken in 7 yes last Friday early AM EST, which was shift the blame from myself where it has sat my entire life over to my abusers. Before that, these grains of sand i have to move on a beach had a wall around it and i would try as hard as i could but couldnt get anywhere; this is why now i have the abilty to change.

The second would be my split self. The one that fights is what i call my cult mind, its the part of me im trying to change but its resiting and something i fight every day a day; and then theres me, feeling quite trapped inside myself (hense my avitar) thats screaming, reaching, longing for help.


The part of me that most see here is the cult mind, which seems to fight the change, but what people dont realize is i take it all in, im like a sponge (and a pro at teaching myself anything; i have no degrees or certifications but build and program computers) and i toss it around in my head constantly, most times i cant sleep because of that and i either come to a realization (or ask more questions and toss more) or end up frustrated at myself (which is why "imediatly" caused me to be upset, frustrated w/ myaelf. I knew i had to stop like yesterday but i didnt know how and until i do i dont want to promise something i cant deliver on; being a very honest person i dont like to do that).

But im not resitant to change, not at all. But being that i already have the view of myself that im 'the worst person in the world' (im not trying to tell you what to do, just what works) softer langage seems to be easier for me to take in. Non-sramaric like words. Words like "thread hijacking" (wasnt my intent & wasnt even known), "slakerish" (totally not my intent)...those words usually make me feel i want to protect myself OR that i did something wrong (i never allow myself human error, ever). Once i was told i was puking my past in all my posts i got it, but it waa told to me in different wording.

That sorta leads me to a 3rd point; when talking to me; you are talking to 34 yr old adult AND a 6 ish yr old child. My therapist said once "i feel like im talking to an adult and a child at the same time" cuz you are. Ive always known my child self is still with me, she has always only came out at night but since the blame shifted i can feel her in the day now too (not sure why) and im sure its like until you grieve a lost loved one they remain stuck w/ you; until i can figure out how to grieve her, she will remain there and im sure a lot of my postings reflect a child-like and a lot of time i'll go re-read something and im like "god i sound like im a kid" but i sorta am and maybe thats why some of those harsher words hurt me or set me in protective mode (completely automatic) cuz its like if you say scold a child and they cry or throw a fit...sorta like that but not as bad.

I have no clue if any of that makes sense at all. I just want people to know and understand that i do hear them even when if it doesnt seem like i do and turn it around it my head constantly non-stop until it makes sense or something i can do or something i can say to myself or may come back and ask some questions and repeat and sometimes i cant get it and get frustrated with myself...but i do hear and listen to everyone.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

These things are manipulative. I believe you when you say that you aren't aware of them as manipulations. So, I am telling you that in fact, they are, and they need to stop.

Im not aware of it, i think i tend to just spit out whats in my head and it came from a hurt place. I wasnt trying to say im right & their wrong really, just thought if i caused that many issues, the board doesnt deserve a war like feeling. It was more of i should leave these poor people alone so they can feel safe again and go back doing this on my own.

How i felt about it, that it was basically a 'bash me' fest (just how i felt, no ill intent toward you, or any of the staff or members)

But in any case, i shouldnt of brought it here, i was hurt and i was wrong.

Will do my best to stop but please remind me if i slip cuz i do slip back into old habits very easy.

I want you to go back and re-read this post, a few times, because it likely was triggering - but take some deep breaths, re-read it, and understand that I am giving you help, not criticism.

Its not triggering and i know you are. When i first came here i found things you said triggering to me, have no clue why i fully know now you are coming from a helpful good place.

Maybe its cuz we've talked a good deal and i was able to gain trust? I dont know.

Yes and no. Really, your therapist is the person most able to walk you up the mountain. This site is like a camp full of Sherpas. We can tell you where we think the good paths are and the pitfalls are, but we aren't a therapeutic service, and this is not a substitute for therapy.

I know that, i guess i discribed that wrong.

Ok, heres a discription. I need to make a list, right? Ive actually tried on my own on pen and paper; thats triggering...being alone in my own head drives me INSANE. Even if im making that list on here in my diary, i dont feel fully alone with my thoughts. It feels 'safer' maybe? I know it sounds atupid but its not about being alone physically, its about being alone with my thoughts. Same reason i cant be in a quiet room. Not sure if that makes sense.

In therapy im numb and at the moment i dont have control over that, its a protective thing im sure.

Im not looking for this place to replace therapy, not at all. I see it as a bunch of friends helping and supporting each other. Does that make better sense?

I have been on that site every day actually since you've given it to me. Its not real mobile friendly but im looking around on it. Not quite finding the two things you wanted me to fins but still on it, its actually in a 2nd tab on my phone at the moment.

I also strongly encourage you to show this post to your therapist, and ask him to work with you on the Borderline symptoms that interfere with your ability to re-ground/tolerate distress. He might be able to suggest a parallel DBT group you could participate in, even one that is peer-mentored and free.

I planned on it but i dont see him til thursday. Ive bookedmarked a thread on here from 2007 that has a ton of grounding techniques on it.

Thank you for help JL!

 

[joeylittle]

Will do my best to stop but please remind me if i slip cuz i do slip back into old habits very easy.

OK.

I believe you can do this. And now, back to the thread.