Undiagnosed Can A Witness Of Abuse Have Ptsd And What To Do?

[Amar]

Hello all. I am not a native English speaker, so excuse me my mistakes. I am a woman in my mid-30s and I think I might have had or even still have undiagnosed PTSD. I am a child-witness of domestic violence that almost ended my father killing my mom... I am still accused of making them divorce from my father's side, with whom I am still in touch, as well as non-loudly accused of helping my father not to be jailed and being in touch... But that's not the problem. Though honestly I don't know where is the problem and what should I do from here when I think I have PTSD, where I should go and if it may be managed without medication or no... I don't know what to do and where to go, so I decided to start from here... As a child me and my sister witnessed a lot of domestic violence though we never were abused. Still we had to leave the house in the middle of the night several times and return to the house that seem safe at all again several times, we witnessed my mother being in blood and beaten... we felt guilty for not helping, at the same time we felt helpless... extended family wanted my mom to stay, and she stayed... If I went back in time I would tell her to leave, but I also know she had nowhere to leave, living in a small country with no way to hide and no services to access back then. The worst though happened when me and my sister were young adults already. I was recovering from an unhappy love story that left me paralyzed and stressed. We were away in vacation with my sister and friends when returned and saw my mother all in bandages with hurt head etc... I had to forget about my stress and take care of the situation which I did, at the same time studying on my Masters degree. During that period though I suffered my first memory loss, when while being a good student I couldn't remember anything during the exam on a subject I certainly had known... I managed to somehow graduate and started working, but my memory loss continued to exist. I hoped it will get better but it didn't. Years later I married and had a child after which I had a very bad case of post-patrum depression from which I also recovered all by myself, though all that left me with repeating short term memory losses, though sometimes I find out I forgot so many things about my own past, so long-term as well, highly emotional, with tendency to cry easily on movies, books and events not related to me, at the same time emotionally numb towards myself and my own life... At times I feel like I don't live my life, but look at it from a side... I also cannot stand any talks in high tones, and any argument can lead me panic. I want to be a peaceful parent, but find myself raising my voice every now and then... A few years ago we moved to USA for work, which helped a lot for my self-analysis and understanding, as well as recovering from PPD, however those symptoms (should I even call those such?) stayed. I am not a veteran, I was never abused by my partner, but yet I think I might have a PTSD. I would like to hear from others where I could look for help and what I could do to help myself. Is it even possible to help me in this situation to recover and heal further or I should simply learn to live with this... Thank you. I am glad I found this forum. Sorry this was long.

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, most definitely. Survivor's guilt is a big part of PTSD. Also, as far as your parent's divorce, Parental Alienation Syndrome, where the children are held accountable and forced to take sides when the parents are not responsible enough to look at their own actions.

 

[anthony]

I am a child-witness of domestic violence that almost ended my father killing my mom

Yes, that satisfies criterion A for PTSD.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

You've had experiences that can definitely result in PTSD. To be totally honest, watching others be hurt has always impacted me more than being hurt myself. It is its own kind of horrible. My heart goes out to you.

Posting here is a good first step to dealing with this. You may also consider seeing a therapist and/or psychiatrist. Some people use medication, some don't. It's a decision you have to make for yourself, with the help of a medical professional. Therapy/counseling helps many people. I know it's helped me.

Good luck to you. I hope you find this forum to be helpful.

 

[twinkle30]

I'm not a doctor but it does sound like you might have PTSD. I hope you consider seeing a therapist or going to a support group. If you are in the USA look up NAMI as they run support groups for people with mental illness. I have done both and it helps tremendously. All the best to you.

 

[Amar]

Thank you for welcoming me and for suggestions... I never considered seeing a therapist and neither know where to look, for whom etc, also if my insurance will cover it and how I will fit it into my already crazy life. I guess I also have a problem defining myself as someone who has mental issues... That's a tough one...I will research that possibility. Thank you.

 

[intothelight]

@Amar Welcome to the forum! :)

If possible, seek a professional diagnosis and assistance. Illness is illness and it isn't a reflection of any fault or character defect. Anything that can make life better is worth at least checking in to.