Seriously Struggling With Reaching Out

[Kintsugi]

My best friend in this area has been so much help to me. She has always been there for me, always knew how to lure me out of my hole when I was quickly sinking, has always been supportive of my decisions and feelings, and has never shown an ounce of scorn when I behave questionably (being a flake, isolating for a week, accidentally making everyone think I was in peril and almost losing my job... y'know--questionably).

In the past three months, I have only seen her twice. I think she gave up on me this month, but I did reach out to her. Twice. And it sounds incredibly pithy when I put it like that. Sending a couple, "What are you doing tonight? Are you working? Wanna hang out?" text messages does not seem commiserate with effort.

But for me, it is, and not getting any response feels like rejection.

I know I need to keep trying. She deserves for me to try, after all. She has always been dogged when I have been unresponsive.

It's not that I don't care. I think about her and her family every day, and it honestly kills me. It's eating me up that I haven't seen her this month. I feel like she probably thinks I don't care, and why would she, right? But it's not about caring. Or, it is, rather. I care too much. I care so much that to feel rejected hurts so much worse than creating the illusion that I'm not really attached to her and burying my feelings.

I know I have to reach out, but--to quote Dean Young--"the thought of failure is a fuzz we cannot rid ourselves of anymore than the clouds can their moisture." The idea that she hates me will not leave me.

We even talked about this the last time I saw her. She said "I know, I know, but I love you, and I will call you on your bullshit, but I never hate you" when I expressed my fears that she's angry when I go AWOL.

It all sounds ridiculous when I write it out, but please believe me, the struggle is real. And it is absolutely setting my heart on fire.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

There is no hate there just love. Trying to figure out how to help ourselves is so hard, and for another that loves you, and that you love is and will always be complicated. When to jump in, when to give room, when to pull up and out, when to let rest to sort out deep stuff? A dance, always of wanting the best and not being sure what that is, how to give and receive. Only love makes every moment significant.

 

[Changing4Best]

Maybe you should call her instead of texting her. Tell her you miss her and would like to get together sometime soon when she is free. Maybe a text just isn't enough of something to let her know your feelings. She needs to hear your voice and your tone of voice especially. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I will pray for you too and her as well. Good luck!

 

[hodge]

I feel for you, Simon. I have to remind my friends that I am not always up for conversation and assure them I care about them deeply, just can't communicate sometimes.

When is the last time you messaged her?

 

[hodge]

I think SheilaKathy has a good idea -- try calling her instead. That's more meaningful. Probably easier said than done, I know. I have a hard time calling my friends.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Agreeing with all on this. And thinking of it now. It would be helluva useful if there was someone to transmit messages we ourselves often arent capable of saying directly. If there was someone to read this thread out to her, that'd reslly rock.

A month of not talking to a major supportive role seems like really tough to me, I don't know how I would handle it, but summed not well.

Try from a few different directions, you don't have anything to lose, so takibg this thread content and telling her that is an option. You know, honesty and direct approach are often most valued by people. Calling her, texting her. Its important she hears it from you, she is probably having similar abandonement thought. And you know, quite hard to give up on someone, so I doubt she has given up on you.

Hopefully it goes well, :hug:s and good luck :)

 

[anonymous]

I wish I had the answer for you. I know these feeling well. Caring too much, worried about rejection.

What will convince you to reach out?

The IDEA that she hates you is just that, an idea.Worse than rejection, for me, is regret.

 

[corvidae]

hearing your voice is a good idea, i think...that's what i find helpful when i've been out-of-touch, especially with a specific friend. try your best; it is hard.

 

[Chava]

I don't connect/attach well at all, but I relate very much to the struggle to reach out. I also understand that, on some level, I do not even connect because I would not tolerate rejection...it's not worth the effort for me (but I also don't feel really good feelings like support...I'm like averse to positive feelings and relationships...even support or care can creep me out...don't know what to do with it). That being said, it's so good you can articulate your feelings. I have to sometimes remember that people are real.... like my therapist is real and she is still "there" for me, even if she's not right here or hasn't responded to an e-mail in the same day. I've gotten better with that. I do have some kind of permanency issues.

Recently I was talking with her about how to get out of my f*cking shell and reach out to my AA sponsor (yes, I can even avoid an AA sponsor, someone who specifically agreed to support me :confused:...anyone who might be supportive just makes me want to run further away). I even had to do some writing and come up with a strategy for contacting her. What I didn't want to do was "dump" her because I don't want support, and then ask her to be my sponsor again in a couple months. I do shit like that and out of respect for a few of these really good people in my life, I end up maladaptively avoiding them because I don't want to create confusion for them. I was recognizing the avoidance so bad, so told my therapist about it and came up with a strategy. It's hard to figure out what I need/want from a relationship because I'm just not...relationally-wired.

I don't have a bestie, but I have a friend that has been pretty steady. I think she has her own best friend, so there isn't pressure on me to be really reliable in her life. She isn't offended when I decline some things or don't talk to her for months. But not long ago I was feeling sort of like a normal person and took the plunge and called her just to ask if I could stop by. On my way I picked up little desserts and coffee for us. I was pretty proud of myself. That's not at all a normal event for me, but I'm glad if I can appreciate a friend and make those little gestures because I have often been primarily reclusive or preoccupied with my own stuff.

Can you offer to bring her lunch or anything? Or if you've sent a couple messages with no reply, wait a while again. And maybe at some point just ask if she's okay. ?? Sorry, that's all I got. But sorry I know it must feel very hard. Relationships are so confusing and painful sometimes and you are right to not give up and crawl in a hole. :)

 

[Kintsugi]

I've been wrestling with how to respond to these very good suggestions to call her.

The simple answer is, I'm just scared. I'm scared to call her.

I was thinking yesterday about calling her and asking if she wanted to go get her nails done with me. It would be an unnecessary expense for me, something I could just barely afford, but it would give me some kind of platform for moving forward, I guess.

Anyway, I didn't call, because this weekend I'm trying to tick off my seemingly endless to-do list that I've been avoiding for weeks.

It's just so difficult, because no matter how much she misses me, I don't think it's the same. Suicidal ideation/intrusive thoughts of suicide have been plaguing me on a near-constant basis for several months, and lately my thoughts turn to how long it would take for someone to tell her I was dead. Poor Simon, dead in her trailer for three days before someone looked for her, because she estranged the only person who checked on her.

Sounds insane and extremely self-pitying, I know, but that's where those thoughts have been going. Like, she has a life, with a family. She and her husband and son live with her parents. She has... infrastructure. And she grew up here, so she has several friends who aren't me. She may miss me, but I really Miss Her, so I feel like I have more on the line, and if I called her and was rejected, I would just feel... so hopeless, really. My isolation coincided with her best friend from high school moving back to town, so I know she probably misses me, but I doubt she's pining like I am. She has other people.

I realize that reaching out is the solution to struggling to reach out, but I feel... like I'm slowly suffocating in a gas chamber of my own design, and I'm scared to open the exit, because I don't know if there's a guillotine on the door, so the slow hypoxia of drowning on dry land seems safer than whatever is on the other side of the isolation room.

 

[The Albatross]

Ultimately Simon, it is a choice you are making, in a vacuum without the input from your friend. Agree with Shelia about a phone call rather than texting.

 

[The Albatross]

"Scared". Scared of what exactly? Define it and then examine it for distortions and if any are present refute them?