How Do I Drill Down To Something Smaller?

[lostforgottensoul]

All of these processes are increasing my nightmares; woke up 5 times last night :(

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Can you define what love is without sex involved? Can you define what sex is without love involved?

I missed this question, sorry. I cant at the moment. I suppose i can say what or i guess how i would want to be loved w/o sex but other than being hugged and allowed to lay my head in someone's shoulder and just cry (if i could cry around another) i dont know if i could even do this yet. And 'how one should be loved without sex' (which to me is like asking me to tell you how water isnt wet) once i get all of this down, have no idea how to get my brain to apply it to me.

Even when i 'got out' at 18, ive done this; came on to a person trying to make a connection, my brain saying its what im supposed to do even though i dont want to and in a desprite attempt to keep them from leaving.

I think its because its so tightly entangled together and i cant yet untangle it.

I started smaller, how i would love my child if i had one. I think it will eventually get there.

Im sure its why im struggling so bad here. My brain only knows how to make a connection via sex; i havent had that thought here likely because i respect that other's have had trauma too, a lot sexual trauma, but take that away (only way i know) and im left w/ nothong (to me) and im scambling trying to find any way to connect with people (and every single incorrect way here has not been consciencly done)...just have no idea how to correctly connect to people, fit in and belong but despertly want to.

Not sure if any of that makes sense.

I also aprreciate you not feeding into my faulty belief system, that wouldnt help me. Just cant go any faster than i can go is all and (not speaking of you or anyone in particular) wish for understanding that i feel like im standing alone at a prom, everything i do in an attempt to make a connection isnt conscience at all. I think its just my brain filling in the blanks all by itself.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You are using two common defense mechanisms: over-analyzing and over-explaining. (I do both things myself.)

I wanted to re-reply to this, i over explain because i feel VERY missunderstood and its the only way i know to help people understand. Thats all.

I over analyze everything, im the type of person that isnt happy knowing how something works, i wanna know how it works in every way, and why everything goes where it goes, what it does, why it connects to what it connects to and what that does etc. Drove my ex, whom is an electrician, nuts. I took apart our microwave trying to figure out how it works; its also how i taught myself how to build a PC. Its just how my brain works. Have no clue how to change that or how to stop it and that and not going as fast as people want me to go is likely why i often become frustrated with myself.

 

[void]

I tossed this around a lot but feel like im running in a circle; but maybe b/c theres too many...

My reactions:

1. You are doing GREAT work!:wideeyed:...WOW:wideeyed:!
2. s--l--o--w d--o--w--n you didn't experience all of this in a short period of time and you can't process it all in a short period of time:hug:
3. you are a lovely person despite what these #&%@ demons did to you....i am in awe of your strength:wideeyed::happy::tup::tup::tup::tup:
4. i feel so strongly...100% on your side...cheering for you:joyful:

I really hope you find peace.:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

LOL @void First, you made me laugh...smilies threw up on your post ;) lol

1. You are doing GREAT work!

Thank you!

2. s--l--o--w d--o--w--n you didn't experience all of this in a short period of time and you can't process it all in a short period of time:hug:

No, it took YEARS, my entire life starting at age 6 all the way to 18 to get me to fully believe his 'bible', like one believes the sky is blue BUT i despertly want to get better and understand all of this, undo what they did AND understand it; but its been 7 yrs, i certianly dont want it to take me another 10.

Plus others, i think, get frustrated at me and become exhausted by my issues; dont think most really see ME, they see my issues and the 'cult side' but not the person thats trapped inside....not the real me.

But will try. I think if i slow down and stop pushing myself so hard, I'll slow to a stop and get stuck again. If i slow down i think others will get more frustrated. Like im not trying. I dont know, just a fear i suppose. As hard as im pushing myself now, i dont know really how many people see that. Thank you for being one of them that does!

3. you are a lovely person despite what these #&%@ demons did to you....i am in awe of your strength

THANK YOU for all of that! I know im someone that never wants to hurt another living soul in any way. I just have the obsessive need to always do things the 'right way' and when i fail (seeming to be every time) I internalize that and make it define me. But i guess thats something i need to change.

I def dont see myself strong, actually quite the opposite, i see myself as being weak...whom cant seem to fo anything right. But thats just how see me.

4. i feel so strongly...100% on your side...cheering for you:joyful:

Thank you! :hug:

I really hope you find peace.

Me too!

 

[sigaar]

So to follow anthony's process:

Link Removed

Well, try to see that what they did for God was a specific deity, Satan.This is ritual abuse. You were the sorry victim of their demented lusts. Concepts of karma besides, you were the creature that was around that they tortured and it was random. It may seem weird but none of this was personal.
I don't want to sound patronizing but maybe contact with christians could help you more than therapy
Your pain and guilt were precisely intended to occur in you.By being subjected to them you basically perpetuate the ritual. I don't want to sound easy, I have been subjected to PTSD for decades and only know it for 2,5 years and most of the time my life is pretty miserable even on meds and therapy.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

maybe contact with christians could help you more than therapy

Nope, it doesnt.

I had tried to ask family, wrong thing.

I had tried to message with my christian pastor cousin in law by marriage. Because he was someone helping & terrified he would leave, my brain told me i had to come on to him even though i didnt want to....he left.

I had talked to at least 50 pastors (before therapy)...almost all i came on to cuz "im supposed to"; id say about a 3rd acted on my come ons, some i went to go meet in their church to have sex with (churches terrify me unless im re-enacting what i last did in one as a child).

One got upset because i had an alternative myspace page where i expressed my hurt, suicidal, and cutter side of me. That pastor said "take it down or im leaving" and i didnt think that was fair, i had no way and no place to express my hurts so i didnt take it down, he left. I guess its because you're supposed to be able "pray the pain away" and "pray to understanding"; f*ck that.

Ive been through "renoucing Satan" and that itself was traumatizing and made me back away from it even more.

The rest of them got frustrated w/ me because i cant 'just accept their ideas' and though i try, i cant seem to even understand it all (its all too intangled together).

^^^^ all before therapy

Since ive been in therapy, my therapist was trying to find me support and thought he was doing some 'exposure therapy' at the same time and asked me to call (i emailed cuz i cant say outloud that shit) churches (emailed 'contact us' or emailed the pastor himself) 20 at once explaining a VERY SMALL amount of my past, was in therapy and my therapist wanted me to gain some support & understanding. Only 1 answered. He and his wife (because he doesnt talk to women alone, totally understandable, especially me) met me in a public place. We talked some, actually they talked, i answered questions in mostly one word answers without ever looking at them and coming up with a millon 'escape plans'...i was TERRIFYED. He wanted to talk to my therapist and so i put him on my medical records to do so. He never did.

Emailed him for a long while, about 6 months (i knew his wife was reading them and that was fine) telling him more and more, until i eventually was convinced to go to his church, which was in a school (small church).

They had an alter with crosses on it, looked just like my step dad's & mom's alter, too many people were there and 'christian people' at that; i came on to some people there, disassociated completely there, and freaked out there. They ended up leaving when i used another app to come onto other pastors, felt bad and like an idiot told him; it upset his wife that i was talking about how i came onto other pastors, i sent an appology email but it was never recieved back; wrote another one to his wife's email address, never recieved back...they left. That all took about a year. After about 6 or 8 months i was sent "we miss you in church" email and Ive sent a total of 3 explaination emails, his wife answered and TOTALLY missunderstands why im hurt. She thinks its because they asked me not to talk about coming onto other pastors and its not; that i understood; im hurt because they left and in 3 calm emails i dont know how much clearer i can make that; so i stopped trying and stopped the pointless back and forth emails.

So im f*cking done trying to get it, no christian seems to have the patience, im terrified of women and end up coming on to men and most pastors arent generally equiped, even pastoral counselors arent equiped for someone like me; tried that too.

My therapist is also listed as a pastoral counselor, oddly enough, in his crediatials (he has 2 degrees in theology) so although we dont talk about it much (probably more because he works in a secular psychriatrist office; and even more because its too soon) but we have talked about "god" stuff. He has a different view of most 'christians' ive met but he has 2 therology degrees, and i dont get it all anyway so i aint gonna argue.

I wont come on to my therapist at this point (have before, sorta, before he knew of my past so i know he knew something sexual happened in my childhood, just hadnt told him anything and didnt for a year) and we often talk about transference anyway. The first time i sorta made advances to him was about the 4th ish appointment we had, its where we started talking about transference and still do after 7 yrs...although i see him differently now and know i dont "have to come on to him to keep him from going away"...he's not going anywhere. Probably did it orginally due to my head telling me im supposed to & also due with 2 free therapists in the past acting on my come ons; which by the way, its a no win situation, if they say no i cut for being rejected and if they say yes i cut down there for "being bad".

And the pastor thing i dont get anyway; i know a pastor had sex with me in a church A LOT when i was little but it grew into this "tell 'god' f*ck you by making a 'man of god' fall" thing then i was 18.

He sent me out as in an attempt more to gain support beyond his office & 'get over' my terror of churches but it didnt work; but not really to untwist this "god" shit as thats gonna take A LOT LOT longer to even half way untwist this shit.

So instead of therapy wont happen, with therapy wont work, for now...because im a freak that 'just has' to come on to everyone even though i dont want to; especially those of 'faith' and most especially a pastor. If id come on to my pastor cousin on law, that tells you something...

And i cant 'get it' all; cant seem to understand so all of them ended frustrated eventually even if i didnt come on to them.

So yeah, thats where i stand on that...

 

[sigaar]

I didn't want to advise you but I did, well the God route didn't work too much for me either. Being trapped in negativity much like you I keep trying new things but mostly I turn out disappointed. Maybe I should accept what is there in stead of starting the war over and over again.But how does one accept the kind of ordeal you have been through...Tough problem I don't figure it will ever go away completely.Strength and peace.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But how does one accept the kind of ordeal you have been through...

You accept it happened, you accept that it will be a long time before you untangle the 'relgious' circle f*ck of shit in your head, you accept that even though they think they are right that every religon is more of a 'guess' or their perspective on whats right (i believe every religon is worshiping the same god in different ways; and judge none) and that they wont be happy until you accept their 'right way' (wars start over religon), you accept help (aka therapy) to start to untangle the circle f*ck, and you stay patient with yourself as eventually after the circle f*ck of religon is untangled you likely can then investigate your religon of choice with a clearer head.

My take on it, with my therapist's help. He's awesome by the way! ;)

No disrespect intended for anyone of any religous faith by the way.