General Being A Supporter And Increasing My Aid

[Sgt Taco]

So this is my first ever post on this site. (Be nice please)

I have been in a relationship with a beautiful young lady for just over a year now.
Roughly 2 months before we started dating she told me that she had been orally raped several times as a young teenager. When we began dating, she was suffering terribly. Flashbacks, anxiety and all of the other common symptoms were at maximum levels.
Since then she has gotten far better, been released from CAHMS and is now at University (ahead of myself I might add, even though I am older than her).
Recently though, she has been getting slightly worse, dissociating and flashing back during lectures, coming home tired and experiencing high levels of fatigue.

Ok, background story over.

I am posting this in order to get some advice. I love her incredibly much and would do anything for this woman.
Standard procedures for helping her are in place; reassuring her that she's Ok, explaining the logic behind what's happening and always listening to what she needs to say or explain.
However recently I have been getting more and more angry at the perpetrator. What he did does not sit well for me in regards to my morals and I find myself feeling no remorse if I wish harm on him (to put this in context, I am naturally quite passive and don't wish harm on anyone)
This anger normally rises to the surface when she has had a bad day or is struggling. The issue with this being that it ends up with us both upset; myself due to very rarely feeling anger at all, and her because she believes that the anger is directed at her.

What can I do in order to:
1. Deal with this feeling or wishing harm on someone, as it's a scary concept that I can do this.
2. Help her even more than I already am. I want to do all I can for her and therefore I feel like I can't do enough to actually help her.

I'm not looking for the obvious answers like 'keep doing what you're doing' or 'speak to someone else about it' (I already have done), but more detailed and focused responses, as difficult as it may be to do this.

She means the absolute world to me and I truly wish that there was more that I can do for her... Please help me, I truly hate this feeling of floundering.

 

[Ronin]

Hello, welcome.

I'm sorry for what brought you here, though I commend you on your strength, supportiveness, care & gentleness toward your partner and her difficulties.

Onto your questions,
1. Realize what it is. It's still protectiveness. It's a defense of a loved one. Do not be misled into thinking it's the same as harmful aggression, or 'violent nature', or anything the like, and don't accept similar blame if encountered with it. Basically just because you are having certain impulses doesn't make you a harmful person. Fear of yourself is better replaced with understanding exactly what place of heart are those impulses coming from, and how you channel them out.

2. Ask her that one. And accept you cannot cure her, or change the past. Basically accept this isn't about you, it's still about her recovery and finding path to herself, relationships, safety. Support her in being self sufficient in dealing with this, what specifically she needs, is best left to her judgment.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What can I do in order to:
1. Deal with this feeling or wishing harm on someone, as it's a scary concept that I can do this.
2. Help her even more than I already am. I want to do all I can for her and therefore I feel like I can't do enough to actually help her.

My answer is, stop feeling angry at the perp. I went through holy hell and that doesnt do anyone any good, especially her.

Edit: i went through and still go through anger and yoi have to realize that you cant change the past, all you can do is help make now and the future better. Hope thats re-worded better :)

What i need, i understanding, the ability to say all my horror of my past (thats still alive in my head) without someone being shocked, grossed out, unable to hear it, judgement, guilt, shame etc.

A shoulder to cry on, to be held without anything being said to know the other person cares and understands

Allow me the chance to vent, tailspin, scream & yell, let it out without the other getting upset

No expecations put on me, not making me feel like im not getting better fast enough, not rushed

If you want my story its the first post in my diary under diaries members in case you are wondering.

Just a few things out of many that would help me of i had a 'better half' for whatever its worth :)

Welcome to the forums :hug:

 

[Sgt Taco]

My answer is, stop feeling angry at the perp. I went through holy hell and that doesnt do any...

I just don't know how to stop feeling angry. It goes against everything I think right. I can understand that it's protectiveness, but if the source is still there, how can I just forgive someone that willfully caused harm?
As to the rest of your response, thank you. It's good to know that sort of thing is desired by everyone.

 

[Ronin]

how can I just forgive someone that willfully caused harm?

You don't have to. Direct more focus to her, though. Her perpetrator stole more than enough of her life already. Don't give that douchebag more thoughts when she's still right there, unless she needs those thoughts and to process what happened with you.

And learn to cope with anger, as a whole. How do you start? What type of anger it is? What do you feel it prompts you to doing? How can you do that thing healthily and safely? Things like that. Use it to be better & more focused at it, spill out anger in all directions, prompted by one failure of a human, won't help you much.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I just don't know how to stop feeling angry. It goes against everything I think right. I can understand that it's protectiveness, but if the source is still there, how can I just forgive someone that willfully caused harm?
As to the rest of your response, thank you. It's good to know that sort of thing is desired by everyone.

I edited that:

Edit: i went through and still go through anger and yoi have to realize that you cant change the past, all you can do is help make now and the future better. Hope thats re-worded better :)

You have to realize that you cant change it. Sure i can be rageful at the cult members and esspecially my own mother but that does me no good. I did go through a time where i felt that, all the time, and rage at myself but you have to realize thats the past, it happened, as bad as it was, it happened. But this is now. You CAN change now and the future and once you place your mind there, its easier.

Does that help any?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Direct more focus to her, though. Her perpetrator stole more than enough of her life already. Don't give that douchebag more thoughts when she's still right there, unless she needs those thoughts and to process what happened with you.

I 2nd this and what i was saying in bad wording. If you direct your mind to now, today, and her...the anger will start to fade.

And realize by being angry, you are giving the perp power over you

 

[Ronin]

Another thing coming to mind:

Anger is a lot of energy you can use for bonding with her, if you find an appropriate way around it that makes her feel it's kicking for her, instead of being mad at her or mad at her for what happened or XYZ ways she might feel at fault and threatened and insecure and guilty and ashamed for the whole times.

 

[Powder]

Actually, I disagree with the above advice to "stop feeling angry". My T. said that it is predictable and a natural phase and reaction for you to feel angry with someone who has harmed a loved one who was vulnerable in a cruel way.

As you watch her suffering, you suffer vicariously, and you go through the grief process with her. Anger is the first thing you run into when you break through a new layer of awareness of the damage done.

On the contrary, I validate your anger. It is a sign that you are normal and a good person who cares for another person who was hurt deliberately and carelessly by someone else.

We all should feel angry about this. If not, we are indifferent and colluding through that indifference.

I am angry. When I hear you are angry that is your emotional reaction's way of saying "I'm on your side" to this woman.

Her Therapist should be telling her it's normal for you and any friends who see her sufferings to feel some anger. For the significant other, especially a man with more testosterone, this anger can reach high and distressing levels.

What you can do is talk here and to a friend who can relate to verbalize and make sense of your anger ideas and feelings.

True anger does not include feelings of guilt over harming the perpetrator. That is a subsequent feeling of "where is my conscience? Where is my guilt?" That's normal, too, but keep in mind, this is an evil person. Some might argue that there is nothing wrong with hurting an evil person. The truth is that something better is available than harm to evil doer, healing to the good survivor.

Take that anger and validate it. It's going to pass, but let it be there and talk about it for now. Share it with others and when you share it with her, do not show it in your body or expression, that's triggering. Tell her that you have anger for the one who did this but you can handle it in healthy ways on your own. You've got resources, too.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

To add to my list; patience is HUGE!

Thank you for sticking by her and with her. No guy has ever done that for me and that is awesome!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Anger is natural, yes, but it can get you stuck and allow the perp to take your power. Thats what im talking about.

You cant be just angry forever, you need to move past that at some point.

 

[Sgt Taco]

I've experienced the anger when she first told me about the problem and at the time it was very easy to cope with. It doesn't give me urges or desires to do something rash, I like to think of myself as a rational person.
I don't really know what starts it. In all honesty I don't think it actually ever goes away. It obviously surfaces when we are speaking about the issue.
I guess the one issue that I have is that my anger can be rather explosive. *background storytime* I spent 4 years in the military cadets and therefore have the skill to project my voice very well. I also spent 4 years doing a martial art, which also means that violence, which has never occurred thank god, can be quite scary.
I honestly intimidate myself when I am angry and that therefore means that it can very much intimidate someone else.