General Being A Supporter And Increasing My Aid

[Stickler]

I feel anger at what was done to some people I care about.

I try to compartmentalize it ( with varying success ) until I can get by myself. Conversely, I get with someone else and vent.
Focusing on what the other person needs from me is the best action I can do for them.
I have to take care of me too.
...martial art form drills sound like just the thing to channel outrage into.

...i am not going to jail here, one day at a time...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I think I'm doing a bad job explaining myself.

Nah, im dyslexic so likely miss understanding myself

 

[EveHarrington]

we live roughly 50 miles away now due to university, so constant proximity isn't necessarily possible....

Honestly, it's not about other people believing she needs therapy. If she cannot calm herself down (on her own, without outside help) she very much needs to learn these skills. Much of the time these skills can be learned in therapy.

I get the feeling that you are playing surrogate therapist as you are logically explaining things to her. Again, this is a skill set she needs to know on her own. She needs to be able to correct her own thoughts on her own. If she needs someone else to fix her thoughts, this tells me she doesn't have a lot of coping skills.

Constantly going to a partner to fix your thoughts will put undue stress on the relationship. It appears that it already has. This is why I'm suggesting healthy separation. In a healthy relationship one partner can express a need to step away for a bit and the other partner will respect this request. Constant engagement is not going to necessarily fix everything. That is, doing more isn't always the answer, even though there may be a strong inclination toward this.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I think anger can be a good thing! I know anger is unwanted by many, but I see it as an emotion that can spurn a lot of change. I don't know if I would focus on getting rid of the anger. I think perhaps it's best to examine why you feel this way.

I like this, a lot! Anger is still an emotion and still should be examined and/or worked with!

your job isn't to be a therapist and listen to everything she has to say.

You are a human and you have your limitations (just as we all do). I think that healthy separation is needed and she also needs to work on finding outside support. A partner is not meant to be a surrogate therapist.

Great points!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Honestly, it's not about other people believing she needs therapy. If she cannot calm herself down (on her own, without outside help) she very much needs to learn these skills. Much of the time these skills can be learned in therapy.

I bought this book and it helps A LOT with this:


Dead Link Removed

I have Borderline Personality Disorder and feel emotions in extremes and its helping me learn how to regulate my emotions and im not even that far into it yet.

If this is the case, i would recemmend it and i agree that if she's not in therapy she should be. I appologize if you answered that already, im at work.

 

[Milo's papa]

I just don't know how to stop feeling angry. It goes against everything I think right. I can understand...

Sgt Taco, First I want to reassure you that what you're feeling is a completely normal human instinct. you have every right to be angry with your lady's abuser, (as long as it's not coming out sideways at her). I know that I am still very angry with my wife's abusers.

I understand why you don't want to feel this way. No one wants to be angry all the time. For me, I had to go see a T of my own to get beyond the desire to hunt these creatures down and abuse them the way they did my wife. The T helped me realize that that wouldn't take away the anger, it would just result in me going to prison. I now go to an anger management support group. It has been a big help as I have learned more and more what these things did to her.

I guess that that would be my suggestion for you as well. It doesn't sound to me as though you are doing anything wrong so don't beat yourself up over this. A good support system will help you channel that anger away from your lady and allow you to support her without her feeling like she's doing something wrong in leaning on you for her support.

I hope this helps, and remember, we are always here to help support you when you need it.

Wishing you both the best of luck.