Extreme self-loathing & ptsd

[TheSun]

I have been diagnosed with PTSD from child abuse (although I never told them about the abuse my mother put me through by excessive hitting). Ever since I started to remember everything I have had extreme self-hatred. Does anyone else have such similar experience, or am I alone in this? There are two thoughts in my head. As I'm an adult, the other thought comes from the younger kid version of me saying that there is good in me and there's nothing shameful about going to therapy. The other one is me, saying that any good or self-care is a sign of weakness and that I hope for nothing but the worst for myself, including death. Self-harm comes about. But I see it in my own eyes sometimes it's as if I'm a different person. The anger. I envision two of me, one brutally beating the "real me" up because I disgust myself so much that I don't deserve to live, eat, etc. I'm not even able to bring it up in therapy because this part of me won't allow myself to.

 

[Stickler]

Uh, yeah.

People around here have told me I had to hate myself to survive my parents. That sounds right.

It's really hard to get past beliefs that kept you alive.

 

[Friday]

Most of the time I like myself just fine. Other times I truly hate/loathe/despise myself. <wryly> & Sometimes I manage to do both at the same time ;) Holding 2 equal & opposite truths in my palm? They're both still true, even though the conflict gets a bit interesting.

 

[ladee]

Me too, @TheSun, and that helped me when I was a child. Must hate what they hate, right? And took this into adulthood until I finally reached out for help in Therapy. What I was to learn, that those coping skills applied then, not now. So had to learn new ways to feel about myself. The self hatred comes back sometimes. But it usually because I am not doing what I know works to keep me level, or well, sort of level. This getting well business is hard work some days. But you are on forums where we all relate on one level or another. So, hope you read things here that will help. Meet people who really do care if you are still on the planet. wishing you strength and endurance. Hugs if you accept them.

 

[Neverthesame]

Same here, I can barley tolerate being in the same room with me. Ha ha, I say that like I have a choice.

Here's a snippet from my internal monologue, whilst getting ready for work today.

(Lots of f'words incoming, I'm not exaggerating either.)

Oh for f*cks sakes, get up. Come on, you lazy piece of shit. Why do you always have to get up at the last f*cking minute, now your in a f*cking hurry. Sleeping pill hangover once again. Good job. Your going to be f*cking useless for the first hour. Then they will fire your worthless ass. Get moving. You want to be f*cking homeless?

It carries on like that.

Trying to learn to not do this. Though it's an easier habit to set than to break.

 

[Tinyflame]

Me too, @TheSun, and that helped me when I was a child... What I was to learn, that those coping skills applied then, not now. So had to learn new ways to feel about myself..

I don't know for sure, but I think there can be several reasons. I would guess they go back to beliefs, & what we hold dear. And survival. For example, sometimes it bothers me to think, if I think or reveal something someone else has done to me , that I am inferring or disclosing they are bad. Etc. So there can be cognitive dissonance for myself. Including beliefs of what w should feel, think, or do.

But I think getting help doesn't have to 'say' anything about anyone else. You have the right to help & care & kindness @TheSun . (PS, I hope this makes sense, I can't find words tonight. :hug: )

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @Neverthesame , & did others say that kind of delivery to you, in the past?

 

[Stickler]

I have a long history of self-injury. Much of that is about punishing myself.

 

[Neverthesame]

@Junebug Not really no. Not to such an extreme.

Anyone who has spoken to me like that, was never in a position of any great importance to me. It would have been some little jerk on a schoolyard.

I am fairly sure this self talk is all of my own making.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Neverthesame , maybe it is influenced by beliefs that were instilled from a child up..

 

[Tinyflame]

excessive hitting

Maybe give yourself a break. 'Any' hitting is 'excessive'. :hug:

 

[shimmerz]

We aren't born to hate ourselves imo. That is taught to us.

'Any' hitting is 'excessive'.

This would be a clue to me that you were taught to minimize what others did to you.