Different Approaches

[sun seeker]

I'm posting this here because I've been in a deep dark hole for a few days now, since a friend nonchalantly gave me what for me is very, very bad news. The different approaches? This friend believes absolutely in a kind of emotional work where you just work through and express your emotions as they come up, and then things sort themselves out and you feel better. It works for her. Trouble is she assumes it works for everyone. It doesn't work for me, I'm not stable enough. There are certain things I avoid going near with a ten-foot pole because they put me so far over the edge, it's not even in shouting distance.

So after giving me this bad news, she was trying to be supportive, in her own way, which involved telling me the bad news AGAIN, in a light voice, intending to trigger an emotional cascade that would, ostensibly, make me feel better once I'd expressed it. I know this from many, many conversations over the years. But she also has to know from long experience that this particular subject is not something to play around with with me.

I've been in a huge crisis ever since, and spending most of my time hiding in my room, frozen or in huge flashbacks, taking benzoids etc. to try to numb the pain. There are things I absolutely have to do today so am trying my best to get moving, but I feel beyond terrible. It's as if my worst nightmare is playing out before my eyes and I can't do a thing to stop it.

I don't know, is it fair to tell this friend I need her to be more careful how she says things to me? To try to explain that her method is not a one-size-fits-all? Should I put it bluntly that triggering me like that is dangerous? I feel like I have to bubble-wrap myself to be around people at all. It shouldn't have to be other people's responsibility to be that careful... and yet the consequences are catastrophic when they're not. I don't know what to do.

 

[scout86]

is it fair to tell this friend I need her to be more careful how she says things to me?

I think it is.

To try to explain that her method is not a one-size-fits-all?

Absolutely! After all, YOU know it's not one size fits all. She's your friend, You've known each other a long time. If she values you and the friendship, she should value this information.

Should I put it bluntly that triggering me like that is dangerous? I

I don't know. Sometimes it seems like you do have to scare people a bit to get their attention.

I feel like I have to bubble-wrap myself to be around people at all. It shouldn't have to be other people's responsibility to be that careful...

We aren't talking about some random person here, we're talking about a FRIEND. That's different. On a different, but not totally different topic, a friend of mine once explained something to me by saying. "I'm your friend. I know you don't like Dr. Pepper. I'm not going to go to the refrigerator and get you a Dr. Pepper. I'm going to offer you something else." This is the same thing. (IMO)

 

[Born to Run]

Bluntly tell her never ever to do that with you again.

 

[sun seeker]

Thanks Scout and Born. This is especially important because this friend is staying here several days a week. When I say I've been hiding in my room, it's literal.

In this case, without going into the details, she wondered how something someone else was doing was going to affect me. She could have said to that person "Hey, you know, that could be a real problem for Sun Seeker, I suggest you talk to her about it." The third party would have talked to me about it, and dealt with any fallout, much more carefully. Or she could have just not said anything. In this particular circumstance the first option would have made most sense. She's seen in stark relief what this subject can do to me. She knows. And yet, she's blinded by her method, so much so that she doesn't see it doesn't work for me.

So yes... I need to say something.

I also need to talk to the other person and tell him he needed to talk to me about this himself, sooner rather than later. I get confused about where it's legitimate to ask for what I need, and this takes me back to a huge trigger that begins before I could even talk, so more confusing still. Thanks for the reality check.

 

[scout86]

I get confused about where it's legitimate to ask for what I need,

This isn't the universal rule or anything and my T would probably roll his eyes, but...... I'd say, where "friends" are concerned, it's ALWAYS ok to ask for what you need. It's also always ok for them to, kindly, express that they are unable to meet your needs when that is the case. Because friends should be people who can honestly and kindly state their own truth and find acceptance, even if there isn't agreement.

 

[Friday]

Bluntly tell her never ever to do that with you again.

This.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

This situation you are experiencing is challenging for me as well. I think that a request as a need for you is just fine. It is a boundary and your friend will either pull back or accept your request. Talking to the other person with the same request is a good idea. I do not like the fact that you are in a three way triangle which is bad for you. I understand your need to hide as this would trigger me as well into all sorts of bad feelings and thoughts.

I wish you the very best in sorting this one out.

 

[Tinyflame]

OMG several times a week? Once was not good, but she wouldn't know perhaps if you didn't say. I agree with the others, if it's one-to-one like that.

Hugs? :hug: :hug: Hope you feel better. :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

It is a boundary and your friend will either pull back or accept your request.

That becomes a slight problem. The pulling back part. I can't see a way of saying this that won't offend her. I am afraid of her not just pulling back, but being so offended she won't speak to me. I think about setting boundaries and feel gagged.

Talking to the other person with the same request is a good idea.

Can you clarify this, because I'm getting confused? What would I be asking the other person to do? He doesn't do anything like this to me so I'm not sure if I've given the wrong impression somehow. All he did was not give me the news himself.

OMG several times a week?

Yes. Which I actually never agreed to, it started out as "a few times" and grew from there without asking me. I am terrible at setting boundaries with people who might get mad at me. And she very likely would. There is an obvious answer to this problem, but I feel really, really shaky about it.

Hugs? :hug: :hug:

Thank you. Same to you. :hug::hug::hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you too. :hug:

Yes I asserted myself today too. OMG. :eek: :hug:

 

[scout86]

I am terrible at setting boundaries with people who might get mad at me. And she very likely would.

I'm not saying you're wrong, maybe she would get mad. But maybe you're mostly AFRAID she'll get mad? Because other people, in the past, have gotten angry when you tried to stand up for yourself? If she's really your friend she should want to know she's upsetting you and should want to try to avoid doing it. You might try looking at this as an experiment. (My T is forever suggesting I do that with things I'd rather not do.)

 

[EveHarrington]

This is my take, but please correct me if I'm wrong.

I get a picture of her dropping an emotional bomb on you. You don't react. She thinks it was ineffective so she essentially drops the emotional bomb once more, in a slightly different way, hoping this time it has an effect.

This approach wouldn't work for me, either. I'm very much a person who can hold it together in a stressful moment but at some later point in time I break down big time. It never fails that the person who is pushing my buttons (so to speak) or stressing me out or triggering me will not see the subsequent emotional episode so of course they think that their behavior is ok. I'm just now learning to stand up for myself in the moment when someone else crosses a line. Far too often I tell myself I'm ok, only to have the emotional upheaval in private. Perhaps our situations are indeed different, but I guess I just want to say that I hope you can start to set boundaries with this friend about what is ok and what is crossing the line. It's not easy in the least, but I've found that I ultimately feel much better about myself when I can set boundaries and take care of my own well being.