Different Approaches

[sun seeker]

But maybe you're mostly AFRAID she'll get mad?

Unfortunately, no, this is backed by evidence from the one and only time I set a boundary with this friend. That was a little different in that I was refusing her something rather than asking her to stop doing something, but still, it went badly. I think I could do it if I felt less vulnerable. I'm hugely triggered at the moment and one more thing going wrong would not be a good thing.

Yes I asserted myself today too

Yay you!! How did that go?

I'm getting a bit better at asking for what I need. My therapist keeps nagging me about it. But asking people to stop doing what I don't want when they have already started is much, much harder.

She thinks it was ineffective so she essentially drops the emotional bomb once more, in a slightly different way, hoping this time it has an effect.

Possibly. She would need me to say this very directly because she believes so strongly in her way of doing things that I don't think it occurs to her that it might not be working.

the person who is pushing my buttons (so to speak) or stressing me out or triggering me will not see the subsequent emotional episode so of course they think that their behavior is ok

Yes, I understand this. Even though I can fall apart very obviously when triggered, there are other things where I have to go away and think and process and then a long time later come back and say "You know last (week, month) when you said XYZ? Well actually, I think..."

But in this case, when my friend tries her method on me, I am already falling apart, so the fact that I am falling apart partly due to her method making it worse is probably lost on her. She probably perceives a huge emotional reaction and thinks "Oh, good, you're releasing emotion" and not "Uh-oh, I'd better back off." Good point, thank you.

 

[Tinyflame]

Gosh @sun seeker at this point if or when she brings it up again I think I'd say I find this really increases my stress, I don't find it cathartic at all!

Agree with the others, if she's a friend she should listen/ care/ be mindful of what you say. :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

This and a bunch of other things that have come up are really making me see how extreme my aversion to setting boundaries is. It's not a good thing. I'm sure people around me have no clue. My therapist gave a really good try a while back to working on getting me to set boundaries. He had to back off for the time being. I guess that means I express boundaries well enough that he could tell how uncomfortable it made me, anyway. :rolleyes:

 

[Born to Run]

when my friend tries her method on me, I am already falling apart,

May I carefully introduce the word abusive in this context? This is really not ok.

 

[Tinyflame]

this is really not ok.

Yes. ^^

@sun seeker being assertive went surprisingly ok! And I'm still here to testify to it! :wideeyed: :) :tup:

Yes, I remember they said something like with childhood trauma, boundaries can end up too loose or too rigid.

Vulnerability is hard. :( However, friends shouldn't hurt one another. Hugs for you. :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

I've been off the board over the weekend. Haven't had a chance to talk to my friend, but will soon, and yes, I am determined I have to get through talking to her about this.

May I carefully introduce the word abusive in this context?

Well... the thing is, she means well. I really do think that. She is convinced that when I am falling apart, if she can just help me to release the emotion thoroughly, I will feel better. Part of what gets to me is the failure to notice the obvious, because to me it's pretty obvious that it doesn't work but she is oblivious. Oblivious people get to me because my family was the epitome of oblivious. But she does it with good intentions. I just need to be really blunt about how dangerous it can be to do this to me. And I will be, hard as it may be. I can't go through something like this again.

I have since talked to the third person involved here and found out things are not really as bad as she made them seem in the first place anyway, so I am feeling a little stronger and more able to tackle this.

being assertive went surprisingly ok! And I'm still here to testify to it!

Ah, so the world didn't crumble, melt, or explode? Awesome news. Wish me luck, that mine doesn't either!

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes Dear @sun seeker . :tup: :tup: :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

Well, I did it. I approached it as expressing a need rather than an accusation, but I did express how dangerous it can be to trigger me this way. She was surprised and I think having trouble getting her mind around it, but said okay. I gave some examples of what she could do to help instead.

She's still speaking to me, and I'm not hating myself. So I'd call that a success. Now I'm all wound up about something else though. Sigh. It just never stops, does it?