Should I Blame Myself. ...

[J_trustno1]

For meeting/trusting wrong people? Is it really my fault that started seeing the wrong traits in someone after knowing them for several years?

My question that is arising from my frustration is that : when you have known someone for 5 years, they backstab you and insult you, does it mean I don't have a sense of knowing someone's wrong character/personality?

Secondly, why are there people who do wrong to others only blame others when in reality it is their fault?

Thanks in advance for answering my thread.

 

[Fadeaway]

Jass, please don't second guess yourself.
1. People lie and some people are very good at deceiving others.
2. People can change in a five-year period. This is often why marriages break up, one person or even both change.

Why do people blame others? Because examining your own faults can hurt and they would rather blame someone else than look closely at themselves. It takes too much work and if they can't find a reason to justify their deeds in their own eyes, they feel better about self.

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks @Fadeaway . I'm really hurt by what happened to me. I don't deceive people or put others down then why do I meet people like that? I got told to "get over it and if I don't forget his behavior then i have issues" by someone who was the one doing me wrong. Now I wonder if I have no sense of detecting others character/personality? I wonder if I'm an idiot and will probably end up in a wrong relationship in future if I can't detect character. Btw the people I'm talking about weren't in a relationship or anything with me but their absurd behavior has hurt me today .

Secondly, I really wonder if I can deal with ruthless people in my future job relating to my Project management course? If I can't handle two perverted/pathetic people then how will I manage projects and a big team of people with a mixture of good and bad? :(

 

[Ronin]

Jass,

That those people were wrong people doesn't put blame on you, and you don't have to accept it. It also isn't being fundamentally wrong; even good judges of character can get many people wrong. It's not a reflection on you, it's reflection on those people.

Five years can be awfully short for so many things in life, and life changing in others. Sometimes, a lifetime of knowing someone isn't knowing them at all. So please don't blame yourself, it's not like you should have known better, time's very relative. And ditto to 'people can change', and YOU can change. Just because you didn't mind something, or know about it, in the beginning of the relationships, doesn't mean you have to stay static and comforted by it the next minute, much less in five years.

You're not an idiot. You ask questions and you think of possibilities, you consider various outcomes and factors coming into a thing, you reach out for support, you're able to articulate very vital questions, you're asking in time - idiots don't do that. ;)

 

[Neverthesame]

Ask yourself this. If someone in the exact same situation as you are now, then asked you this same question. What would your answer be?

Personally, no I don't think you are deserving of blame. People change over time, unfortunately not always for the better.

Why this person turned around to make you the bad guy? Some people are just jerks. As a project manager, will you be able to choose your team, or make substitutions?

The larger group might actually be easier for you. With a mix of good and bad, you are not going to be surrounded only by jerks. Besides there is always going to be ruthless go-getters no matter what the occupational setting is.

 

[Heather]

It makes me sad to read that you think there is a flaw within you for not being able to detect what others are about. You can't control other people.

What I have painfully learned within the last 6 weeks is that you really don't know anyone... No matter how long you've known them. I think we take people at face value, 'cause what other choice do you have. I can understand your feeling confused because the behaviors of the individual has changed. I am in the same boat

And am left very shaken. I agree with @Fadeaway that people don't take responsibility because they are backed into a corner and the need to defend one's self takes over. Doesn't make it right.

I feel for you. I don't know if this is helping at all, feel like I am rambling.

But you are not alone in how you feel. I am right there with you.

Take care.

Hugs.

Heather

 

[J_trustno1]

Thank you friends for helping me. I couldn't sleep well last night because of what happened yesterday. I was waking up with nightmares. Everytime I have bad human experiences, it is repeated in worst possible form in my dreams. Btw all that incident happened at my gym. I told that one person blaming me for his ill act not to bother me and I do not wish to argue with him when it all happened yesterday. I have been wondering if:

1) Should I pick an argument with him but then again it sounds like a waste of time.

2) Ignore him and his friend. Probably go at different times to the gym for avoiding drama like have been avoiding this one jerk? But then again I'm questioning if I am running away from it ?

I don't know if you guys want to know the detail of this story?

Thanks for replying on my thread, your help means a lot to me :hug:s.

 

[Heather]

@Jass_T I talk a lot about "picking my battles" with my therapist. You need to decide how important it is to confront? What are the consequences of doing so? Or is it better to walk away i.e. go at a different time.

Only you can decide.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Heather : thanks for the honest answer. Well, the person who was rude to me is a 76 year old perverted old man who has been in prison in the past of having a fight with someone. He is very shallow and thinks women belong to the kitchen. He slapped my butt when I was doing lat raises 3 years ago at the gym. I stopped talking to him then and changed my gym time because of his sick behavior. The person who backstabbed is his best friend who 46 year old going through his second divorce and f*cking around. We somehow ended up discussing what the 76 yr old did was sickening and how I keep distance from him. The 46 yr old goes and tells all this to this old pervert who then meets me at the gym in coincidence and tells me to "get over it and I have issues for not forgetting what he's done " in front of another guy who in the end takes the perverts side.

Again 3 sick men. I only encounter men who have no respect for women exactly like my 3 childhood abusers. I'm pissed off. I was waking up every 30 mins with nightmares and screaming last night and I woke up with stress pimples this morning :(.

 

[ghotiff]

You did nothing wrong. These people don't respect boundaries, that doesn't have anything to do with you.

 

[J_trustno1]

The old pervert tells me that I was being cheeky and he smacked my ass as a punishment. He blamed me for his ill act 3 years ago. I was very depressed at that time and never stood up for myself. THE worse part is that the person listening to this who thing took the perverts side instead of calling it sexual harassment!

 

[J_trustno1]

I was 25 yrs old then and I was NOT a kid! We live in a country where if the prime minister pulls a girls ponytail is considered harassment but if a 76 yr old smacks a woman's ass blames the woman and gets away with it when there were other people observing it!!!