Dissociating While On Phone

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

I was talking to the man who I am going to see on Friday for a new approach to therapy.
I don't know what set me off while talking to him but after I got off the phone with him I immediately called my husband and almost straight broke into tears (I NEVER do that)....

What the hell is going on?

Am I just that f*cking terrified of therapists? UGH! :( I just want to cry :cry:

 

[hodge]

Hmm. Was there perhaps something about his voice or manner that may have triggered you?

 

[hodge]

I have to say, if you had this reaction talking to him on the phone, do you think he's the best choice for a new therapy?

That said, however, when I met my psychiatrist for the first time I later found out he diagnosed me with personality disorder. I was shocked and very upset. I've been in therapy since I was 15 and no one ever diagnosed me with that. So, next time I saw him, I asked him why? He said I was very hostile toward him. I have absolutely no recollection of that. Then I was looking at him, and I realized what it must have been. He has facial hair and a manner that reminds me of one of my abusers. I told him that, apologized profusely, and he took back the diagnosis. We've had a great relationship ever since, but I still have to overcome what his physical appearance and manner reminds me of every time I see him.

 

[anthony]

Am I just that f*cking terrified of therapists?

Are you?

Or do you find the unknown of a new therapist is the anxious aspect?

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

@anthony i am afraid of therapists. All of the ones that ive had have messed me up worse. I won't even go into all the details.

@hodge but you guys are good now? I think I'm also super sensitive today because I've been jumpy, hypervigilent and a bit down. I think he would be a good fit for me, he's very open and forth coming (without meeting me told me a glimpse of his trauma history), I'm just very untrusting because of the amount of quacks that I've gone through and I thought the last guy was it, until he fell asleep every session for two years :@ but oh well, I'm not going back to him, I deserve better. Thank you also for being Mama Hodge! You are an incredibly amazing person inside and out:). I hope you get to hear that a lot because you deserve it :)

 

[anthony]

It isn't an uncommon story with therapist jumping... those with trauma need to find the right one, not those who claim they're the right therapist for them. The right therapist is a process, unfortunately... one I hope you resolve sooner rather than later, for yourself. Good luck.

 

[Sideways]

@ptsdednos
I'm so frightened of therapists that sometimes it seems to border on phobic - even with T's that I've been working with for years and who I know, on an intellectual level, are completely safe. There doesn't have to be any connection with my abuse, beyond the fact that they're trying to help me (my abuser always told me that he was helping me).

For me, I think it's just confronting. I know I'm going to have to talk about things I don't want to talk about (which is most things a T wants to talk about), I feel like I'm going to screw it up and not be able to answer their questions, and even just knowing why I have to have therapy in the first place really upsets me like "I was abused, & that's why I have to be here".

I think there's similiarities in the dynamic between me and my T's and me and my abuser, but more importantly, it's just confronting knowing that "ok, 2pm on Friday I'm going to have to deal and talk about myself". You spend so many years coping by NOT talking and keeping it private. Having to drop that defence I find is really difficult.

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

@anthony ive done this so many times now that I am about to give up. I feel so alone.

 

[anthony]

What are your expectations from your therapist?

 

[BlueOrange]

I found the right therapist, we've been working on me since 2003. I have some things that I've worked out to say to him tomorrow (things I can say to him, but that I can't quite find a way to say them here). I'm terrified of saying them, and that makes me terrified of seeing him. But I'll go. Meanwhile, I endure my psychosomatic symptoms and the desire to hide.

A dissociative disorder is afraid of being healed. We are afraid of facing these demons of ours, and we avoid dealing with them (by definition for PTSD sufferers - that's the 'avoidance' criterion). You're not going to find a therapist who isn't scary or otherwise problematic from time to time. "Am I scared?" is the wrong question when it comes to therapist selection - except that if the answer is always "no", then you know that you're getting comfort, not therapy.

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

What are your expectations from your therapist?

I'm not exactly sure because I feel like I shouldn't expect anything except for the obvious, not sleeping on me and actually listening and not judging...?

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

@BlueOrange I know that I am not doing good for myself by hiding but I'm not sure I can help it. Therapists scare me because of my past with some f*cked up ones. (I.e. Being on enough lithium -at 16- to kill me by the time I was 35). I have a hard time trusting, I think this guy is a good fit for me, I'm just afraid to trust another person who is going to let me down. I wrote down all my traumas and I'm hoping that helps me to start to trust him. I don't do well with speaking, writing is easier for me to do.

If that answers your post...