Time For Plan B

[Scarface]

Well folks, I've researched, analyzed, obsessed and consulted with the country's top plastic surgeons and dermatologists about how to fix my scar. I've scanned hundreds of forums with people suffering from similar deformaties and they can't find solutions to their scarring. After all of this, I've come to the conclusion that it is impossible to fix my scar. My face is permanently disfigured. There is no cure for scarring. There are, however, a host of opportunists eager to take my money for "supposed treatments", which can often make the scar even worse. I've already spent thousands of dollars on treatments (which btw, is not covered by insurance, even though this was caused by an accident). There has been very little improvement on my scar. So I've decided that I can either spend thousands more giving myself false hope on these fruitless treatments, or I can throw in the towel and move on to plan B. Plan B was originally suicide.

I've decided that I do not want to commit suicide, at least not yet. I'm just to scared to do it. Perhaps when the suffering becomes to intense, I'll take action. But for now, I have a new plan.

I am going to stop wasting time, money, and energy trying to fix the scar. But this doesn't change the fact that I can't show my forehead in public. That my life is ruined. I have become a total shut-in and am Homebound over my face and destroyed body image. I live in a large, bustling, competitive city. It used to be amazing. But now that I am a hermit, it's become hell on earth. So I've decided that I am going to move.

I'm 34 years old and single, no kids. I'm going to move in with my mom. She lives in a small beat up town in the middle of nowhere. The kind of town with only 1 stoplight. The town's population is predominantly senior citizens. Here, I'll be able to be a true hermit. I can enjoy a walk outside without having to wear a hat and cover my face. I don't have to cringe every time the wind blows my hair out of my face. In this tiny town, I can pull my hair back with no worries. I can let it go gray. I don't have to worry about how to dress. It will be quiet. I can pretty much give up on my appearance in this vanity selfie obsessed society. I will probably die alone with no partner or children. I'm essentially retiring at age 34. But at least I can give up peacefully. It is depressing as hell. But it is too painful to try and keep up. I no longer fit into American society as a woman with this scar on my face. This was the unfortunate hand that I was dealt and I am no longer the same person that I was before my accident, so I am adjusting my life accordingly.

For all the critics who say I am overreacting to facial disfigurement, check out the acne forum. They all get my pain. Many of them have stopped leaving their houses. They suffer from BDD, depression, and anxiety. Their dreams are shattered because they hate their disfigured/scarred faces. No one really gets it until it's on their face. This is a horrible thing that can happen to someone. It's truly debilitating and I don't wish it upon anyone.

 

[Casey_03]

You don't need to convince anyone that facial disfigurement is deeply traumatic; I don't think anybody thought you were overreacting, I think most people on here just disagreed with your decision to plan suicide. That doesn't mean we thought you were overreacting. I'm glad you have now put that plan on the backburner and I hope you don't feel the need to return to it. I think moving may help you, not in terms of keeping you hidden away, but in terms of giving you a change of scenery that may help you process things. I think, and I hope, that you will eventually be ready to show your scar anywhere and not be ashamed of it, but if a smaller town will be more comfortable for you now, I say do it and I applaud you for doing this instead of resorting to suicide.

 

[Friday]

Sounds like that might be exactly what you need for awhile.

I've done the f*ck-the-world thing a few times. Although a little bit more drastically sometimes (think back country a few times, homeless-on-the-beach a few times, etc.). It's a pain in the ass to come back from... But I had just quite simply reached my absolute limit with being able to deal with people, period. I did come back from it, better I learned that most of the time I don't actually have to go that far (instead of dropping off the face of the planet for 6mo, all I really need most of the time is 1-6weeks to get my head on straight, again. That's not f*ck-the-world, that's sublet my place and take a vacation). But initially? I purely and simply had to check out. I was done. I didn't know how to manage my symptoms, or my stress, or what was interior vs exterior. I pretty much had to start over from scratch.

Not everyone goes there, not by a long shot, but a helluva lot of us do have to completely reorder our lives -at least for awhile- in order to rebuild our lives.

Glad to hear you've got a good option of staying with family + complete change of scenery. IME it will really help in sorting out what problems are my own -they come with me anywhere I might go to- so I can work on them, and which are environmental.

 

[The Albatross]

Adjusting your life accordingly is a solid idea for now, though I'd try to square up my thinking/feelings more toward, "I can enjoy a walk outside without having to wear a hat and cover my face. I don't have to cringe every time the wind blows my hair out of my face. In this tiny town, I can pull my hair back with no worries. I can let it go gray. I don't have to worry about how to dress. It will be quiet. I can pretty much give up on my appearance in this vanity selfie obsessed society." and "I'm essentially retiring at age 34 . But at least I can give up peacefully." v.s. "I'll be able to be a true hermit", "I will probably die alone with no partner or children", or "I no longer fit into American society as a woman with this scar on my face."

I am though glad to read that plan B is off the table for now and you have another option, though sad that treatment options have to improve your scarring are contra-indicated. For now, the idea of an early retirement is a good one and perhaps later on your thoughts and feelings may change.

At one point I was a shut in and had agoraphobic tendencies for a year and a half... before I was able to goal/challenge my way back to being able to participate in outdoor activities... even like checking my mail box (true story)... and I understand what you say now, but hope that like me, in time... you'll come to realize that life did change in a very dramatic and traumatic way... but that it isn't necessarily over even though I can't go back to "before" the last near traumatic break(s).

Smaller towns and quieter places can really be more peaceful... my own small town is really my "sanctuary". It saved me when I was suicidal.

You have a very solid and good relationship with your mother?

Kudos on your plan C!

Added in edit... forgot to say this is a significant observation and is one that you may want to keep coming back to for a while... "This was the unfortunate hand that I was dealt and I am no longer the same person that I was before my accident, so I am adjusting my life accordingly."

So much truth to that simple statement. :tup::tup::tup:

 

[Scarface]

My mom is devastated over this plan. I am taking her down in my suffering. I am a burden to her and she resents me. My brother hates me for this too.

There is no reason to celebrate this and applaud me. I hate this town that I'm moving to. Never in a millon years would I think I'd do this. I'm basically going there to wait to die. It's a miserable fate. But I don't have a choice anymore. My life is ruined.

 

[joeylittle]

@Scarface - I'm just going to be honest here. I think you might benefit from challenging your assumptions. You're obviously still not considering working on your PTSD, which is the root cause of what you are feeling. So, let's ignore your mind, focus on your appearance, and look at the truth of your situation.

You have a scar on your forehead. An area of the face that can be covered a few ways: you could make bangs your thing, or you could invest in learning real scar covering makeup technique (including how to fill the dent). These are real options.

You compare yourself to people with acne. Acne generally covers more of the face. It's often weepy (oozing) and painful. Physically painful. You can't cover it with hair. You can cover it with strong makeup - and I'm not talking regular makeup, but advanced technique - only it's not just a forehead: it's an entire face.

Burn victims. Whole face. Acid victims. Whole face. Scars on the cheek, the nose, the chin - twice as exposed.

Can you get some real perspective on facial disfigurement, and how little of your face is actually affected? Also, how you have two options: hair AND fx makeup? And how it doesn't crack open and bleed in the middle of the day?

Can you remember that you have a body that works, eyes that see, a voice that you can use, and you are able to feed yourself, bathe yourself, urinate and defecate normally? That you can type on a keyboard?

And you can actually learn how to cover your scar, if it's so important to you? You have that option. People with full facial issues - lack of pigment, port wine stains, acne - they can do it. And you can't?

If you would like help, ask for help. If you are looking for attention, consider that you might have a more complex mental disorder. If you are venting, say so. If you are scared, say so.

But coming here and telling us that you are dead-set in giving up on life when you actually have real options - that's not helping you at all.

You got some very empathetic responses, and you felt the need to tell us how much worse it is. I don't understand what you are after.

 

[Scarface]

@Scarface
You have a scar on your forehead. An area of the face that can be covered a few ways: you could make bangs your thing, or you could invest in learning real scar covering makeup technique (including how to fill the dent). These are real options.

You compare yourself to people with acne. Acne generally covers more of the face. It's often weepy (oozing) and painful. Physically painful. You can't cover it with hair. You can cover it with strong makeup - and I'm not talking regular makeup, but advanced technique - only it's not just a forehead: it's an entire face.

And you can actually learn how to cover your scar, if it's so important to you? You have that option. People with full facial issues - lack of pigment, port wine stains, acne - they can do it. And you can't?

If you would like help, ask for help. If you are looking for attention, consider that you might have a more complex mental disorder. If you are venting, say so. If you are scared, say so.

Tell me, where I can find these "real scar covering makeup techniques."? I have searched endlessly and called numerous makeup companies. I have yet to find an answer or someone who can help me. And please don't recommend dermaflage. That crap doesn't work.

How do I fill in a giant dent in my forehead? How does makeup cover texture changes? Makeup will only cover color issues. You obviously don't understand scars. Overhead lighting has become my worse enemy. The shadows cannot be hidden with makeup. There is a crater on the moon effect that highlights contour and texture irregularities and no amount of makeup will cover this. Any place with direct overhead lighting (such as elevators, spotlights in restaurants, etc.) give me panic attacks. So do dark reflective surfaces like car windows and ipad screens. Making bangs my thing won't work. I have very thick and wavy hair and bangs won't work with this hair type. It would be a constant battle everyday. Plus I live in a very windy city. And any drop of rain, sweat, or humidity would ruin my cover. And simple things like pulling my hair back to go to the gym or swimming in public are out of the question if I have to depend on my hair as a cover.

My point about acne sufferers is that they understand what it is like to hate their face. To hide in their homes indefinitely. To know that their chance of ever having blemish free skin is impossible. To know what it's like to hate seeing their reflection, to avoid certain lights/reflections. And often times, once the acne clears, the scars they are left with aren't really that bad. Yet they are still traumatized. And a scar from a traumatic blow to the head that destroyed tissue all they way to the skull is much worse than a small acne scar. That's just basic science.

Lack of pigment and port wine stains are color issues, not texture/indentation. So it is actually possible to use makeup to cover this.

I don't know why you challenge my scar knowledge. I've been researching and obsessing about it for 10 months now. Trust me, if there was a solution, if there was a way, I probably would have found it by now. How much do you know about scars? Please, tell me if there is something that I am missing.

As for why I keep posting here, I guess it's to vent. I am sad, depressed, anxious, lonely and scared. I hate my life and can't wait for it to be over.

 

[Anon_uk]

@Scarface - I'm just going to be honest here. I think you might benefit from chal...

I agree with joeylittle

Scarface I think it's really sad that you are in a part of the world where friends family and strangers are so shallow that you feel you can't face them. I think it's a great idea to move away. But not to kill yourself. You should count yourself lucky. Yes, lucky. At least you can chew and swallow food. I'd switch place with you in an instant to be able to do that.

 

[Suzetig]

I don't doubt you've gathered a lot of knowledge about scarring, but I wonder how much if it was gathered with the thought that nothing will work? Bias is a powerful thing when reading or researching - you can basically prove whatever you want. Can't do anything about your scar at all? Yep, I could find evidence to support that if I wanted to. People with facial disfigurement never get past it and can't lead healthy lives? Yep, I could evidence that too.

But there are also people who find a way to cope with quite horrific scarring, who can cover it well enough, find good enough strategies etc, I can evidence that too but if you choose to believe this is it for you, that your life is effectively over, nothing you read or that anyone tells you will make a difference. If you feel that withdrawing is what you need just now, there's nothing wrong with that - it's a key symptom of PTSD - but why not go somewhere that will be healing for you? Not all small towns are the same and some can be life saving, living with your mum could be so supportive for you, but not if you think she resents your choice. I can imagine it would be hard for her having an adult child return to live with her under any circumstances, much less after you've experienced such trauma. Do you have an alternative in terms of where you live, eg small place but living independently?

 

[The Albatross]

It is confusing and perplexing to me that your new plan will put more stress on your relationships and that you are perhaps going to a "town you hate" though you did not share that in your opening post. Totally misinterpreted your opening post. My apologies.

Is there any peer support/mutual support groups or forums for disfigurement online that may be assistive?

 

[anonymous]

Is there any peer support/mutual support groups or forums for disfigurement online that may be assistive?

I realise that the OP is in the US, but there is a UK based organisation called Changing Faces that may have some useful reading material. I'm not sure it's the kind of input the OP will be receptive to at this point in her journey, but putting it out there anyway just in case it comes in useful at some point www.changingfaces.org.uk

 

[scout86]

My mom is devastated over this plan. I am taking her down in my suffering. I am a burden to her and she resents me. My brother hates me for this too.

I was with you right up to there.

This country is full of small towns. Pick a different one. Find someone more hideous that you think you are for a roommate. This "moving in where you don't think you're wanted" deal sounds like a plan that's designed to fail. Which, of course, will help you "prove" that "your life is over", if that's what you want to do.

I don't know anything about makeup. I can't help but wonder how they can make a human being look like a Klingon and not be able to cover up a scar, but, perhaps not.

I'm glad to hear you've come up with a "Plan C" that leaves the potential for a Plan D, farther down the road. Who knows, someday you might decide that there's more to a person than the way they look on the outside.