Hi... (I have no idea which forum this topic is appropriate for, so if it's in the wrong place please let me know and I'll move it)
I really don't know how to start this post. For those who don't know me, I have PTSD from long-term abuse as a child to a about 14 (also from trauma I experienced in my very late teens). My youngest sister, KitKat, was very severely abused (both of us by our Dad & strangers), & because of that she suffers with DID, complex PTSD & a bunch of other things. We out out of the abusive situation & live with our Mum, who we love very much, & has helped us through all of this.
Over the past 2 years, though, she has had a drinking problem (she did have a drinking problem when I was a small child too, but it only lasted about 6 months.) It got to the point where social services were involved & were going to take my sister into assisted living. Fortunately I fought really hard, got my Mum help & my sister came back to live with us. In the past year we've had no incidents involving alcohol.
However, KitKat recently broke up with her girlfriend, & tonight she wanted to get drunk at home and forget it all. After a lovely day out together, we came home, stuck on a movie & my Mum & KitKat had a shot of tequila each & a glass of prosecco.
I try not to protest too much, if I act like its no big deal & just distract them they tend to not drink too much & go to bed early. Tonight however, that didn't happen. They just drunk, & drunk. As I was texting my friends & trying to watch a movie, I was really paying attention to how much they were consuming (this was my first mistake!) - it also didn't help they were acting sober!!!
Before I knew it, in about 2 1/2hrs they'd drunk an entire bottle of tequila, a bottle of prosecco, two margaritas, two glasses of baileys, a vodka & Coke & a bottle of wine. And they were a MESS!! I downplayed it all, & got them to play a couple of games, because I thought it would distract them so they'd stop drinking. It worked for about 20 minutes, & then everything started to go wrong.
My Mum began to get upset - recalling a sad memory from her childhood (she was abused from a kid to the age of 45 by many different people). KitKat snapped at her, and that's when I knew something bad was going to happen. Mum stormed upstairs, and SOBBED. I sat with her & let her talk it out, & it helped. She cried for a little while & then she was sick a few times.
Meanwhile my sister is starting to get upset, and then when my Mum came downstairs so I could give her a glass of water, KitKat had a narcolepsy episode. I tried all her grounding techniques to bring her round, & then my mum started slapping her leg to bring her round (not hard or violently, but it was enough to send her into a flashback & then disassociation). I her round, & she got up & tried to run up the stairs. Problem was, she was very drunk, dizzy & on the verge of collapsing. So as I tried to help her up the stairs she collapsed on top of me, & we began to tumble down the stairs (bear in mind she's almost 6 foot, & I'm 5"4, so it really hurt having her crushing down on me) I shouted for her to just sit down, and I somehow got her into a sitting position on the stairs.
This is when I snapped. I burst into tears, & began to shout at my both of them.
"THIS IS WHY I HATE ALCHOHOL! BECAUSE STUPID STUFF LIKE THIS HAPPENS!! WHY COULDNT YOU BOTH HAVE BEEN SENSIBLE FOR ONCE, INSTEAD OF PUTTING ME INTO SUCH A TERRIBLE SITUATION. ALL I WANTED WAS FOR EVERYONE TO HAVE A NICE EVENING & GO TO SLEEP, WHY COULDNT YOU JUST DO AS YOU WERE TOLD."
Nobody said anything. I pulled myself together & helped KitKat upstairs & into bed. She immediately fell asleep. Mum stormed up, & she kept saying "Lolly, go to bed!!! You're not well! I'll look after her!!". No matter how calmly & kindly I told her, she wouldn't just go to bed. I told her several times that it's okay now, let's just all get into bed & sleep!! But no!! She kicked up. I snapped once again.
"YOURE DRUNK! YOU CAN HARDLY SPEAK PROPERLY WITHOUT CRYING OR VOMITTTING. HOW CAN YOU LOOK AFTER HER? JUST PLEASE, HAVE A COLD GLASS OF WATER, GET INTO SOME CLEAN PJS, AND GO TO SLEEP. ILL SORT THIS OUT."
It was at this point my sister projectile vommited across the room. I turned around to see if she needed help, then looked at my Mum. Just as I looked my Mum in the eye, she slapped me across the face very hard. I held my cheek, in complete shock, and she was just about to punch me in the head when my sister shouted very loud. She got up and tried to hold my Mum while I curled up in a ball on the floor & had a panic attack.
Somehow, within a few seconds (it felt like hours) I managed to compose myself & stop the panic attack. I stood up, told her that please, go to bed. Let's just leave this now. But my sister was screaming at her, and this made my Mum angrier, & she dashed downstairs, grabbed the car keys & ran outside.
My sister & I chased after her. KitKat hopped in the car & shouted at her while I opened the drivers door & grabbed the car keys. Now bear in mind at this point it's midnight, & we are in a quiet estate of families. I saw lights turn on & I was sure that someone was going to call the police because Mum & KitKat were making such a nice. I spoke as softly as I could, fighting back the tears, trying to get them to be quiet. My Mum kept saying "I'm just sitting in the car." over & over (despite the fact I had to pull the keys out of the ignition before she turned the car on). I managed to stay relatively calm, & after a couple of minutes I got them to be quiet & convinced them to go inside.
Once inside the argument between my Mum & sister continued. KitKat was shocked my Mum was going to drive drunk, & possibly hurt herself or others. I don't think she remembered Mum had slapped me already! I convinced Mum to go upstairs while I get KitKat ready for bed.
KitKat vomited many many times, & afterwards broke down. Saying that from the bottom of her heart, how sorry she was this all happened. And how sorry she was I was put into this situation. I told her it was okay. Everything was going to be okay.
I think I was saying it more for my benefit then hers.
I checked on my mum, helped her get into bed, & she told me she was sorry then fell asleep. Then my sister was sick a few more times, & now she's fast asleep on the sofa.
It's now 2:30am & I am sat on the sofa staring at the wall, unsure on how to process what's happened.
I've got one of my favourite movies on in hopes it will distract me, but I can't stop thinking about the fact my Mum hit me - & she was going to do it again, harder! I swore that I would never let my Mum get this drunk again, & that I wouldn't allow myself to be put in a dangerous position again. Yet here I am. Shaking & crying quietly, hoping my Mum won't wake up & hurt me again.
I know it was just a slap, and that I've been on the receiving end of far worse, but this is how it always starts. One little slap, & before you know it you're a prisoner in your own home, covered in cuts & bruises.
I'm just scared. And I don't know what to do. How are we going to work past something like this? How am I supposed to learn to trust anyone ever again? I can't help but think that this is my life now. To get hurt by everyone I love & trust. To never feel safe in my home. To always live in fear of being hurt.
I don't know what to say, other than that I'm scared. And I don't know how to handle this tomorrow. Do I talk about it with her & deal with it? Do I act like it didn't happen? Do I move out? Do I stay? Do I tell someone about this? Or do I keep it a secret? I just don't know.
Sorry that this was a mountain to read, I just had to write it out while it was fresh in my memory.
Lolly
I really don't know how to start this post. For those who don't know me, I have PTSD from long-term abuse as a child to a about 14 (also from trauma I experienced in my very late teens). My youngest sister, KitKat, was very severely abused (both of us by our Dad & strangers), & because of that she suffers with DID, complex PTSD & a bunch of other things. We out out of the abusive situation & live with our Mum, who we love very much, & has helped us through all of this.
Over the past 2 years, though, she has had a drinking problem (she did have a drinking problem when I was a small child too, but it only lasted about 6 months.) It got to the point where social services were involved & were going to take my sister into assisted living. Fortunately I fought really hard, got my Mum help & my sister came back to live with us. In the past year we've had no incidents involving alcohol.
However, KitKat recently broke up with her girlfriend, & tonight she wanted to get drunk at home and forget it all. After a lovely day out together, we came home, stuck on a movie & my Mum & KitKat had a shot of tequila each & a glass of prosecco.
I try not to protest too much, if I act like its no big deal & just distract them they tend to not drink too much & go to bed early. Tonight however, that didn't happen. They just drunk, & drunk. As I was texting my friends & trying to watch a movie, I was really paying attention to how much they were consuming (this was my first mistake!) - it also didn't help they were acting sober!!!
Before I knew it, in about 2 1/2hrs they'd drunk an entire bottle of tequila, a bottle of prosecco, two margaritas, two glasses of baileys, a vodka & Coke & a bottle of wine. And they were a MESS!! I downplayed it all, & got them to play a couple of games, because I thought it would distract them so they'd stop drinking. It worked for about 20 minutes, & then everything started to go wrong.
My Mum began to get upset - recalling a sad memory from her childhood (she was abused from a kid to the age of 45 by many different people). KitKat snapped at her, and that's when I knew something bad was going to happen. Mum stormed upstairs, and SOBBED. I sat with her & let her talk it out, & it helped. She cried for a little while & then she was sick a few times.
Meanwhile my sister is starting to get upset, and then when my Mum came downstairs so I could give her a glass of water, KitKat had a narcolepsy episode. I tried all her grounding techniques to bring her round, & then my mum started slapping her leg to bring her round (not hard or violently, but it was enough to send her into a flashback & then disassociation). I her round, & she got up & tried to run up the stairs. Problem was, she was very drunk, dizzy & on the verge of collapsing. So as I tried to help her up the stairs she collapsed on top of me, & we began to tumble down the stairs (bear in mind she's almost 6 foot, & I'm 5"4, so it really hurt having her crushing down on me) I shouted for her to just sit down, and I somehow got her into a sitting position on the stairs.
This is when I snapped. I burst into tears, & began to shout at my both of them.
"THIS IS WHY I HATE ALCHOHOL! BECAUSE STUPID STUFF LIKE THIS HAPPENS!! WHY COULDNT YOU BOTH HAVE BEEN SENSIBLE FOR ONCE, INSTEAD OF PUTTING ME INTO SUCH A TERRIBLE SITUATION. ALL I WANTED WAS FOR EVERYONE TO HAVE A NICE EVENING & GO TO SLEEP, WHY COULDNT YOU JUST DO AS YOU WERE TOLD."
Nobody said anything. I pulled myself together & helped KitKat upstairs & into bed. She immediately fell asleep. Mum stormed up, & she kept saying "Lolly, go to bed!!! You're not well! I'll look after her!!". No matter how calmly & kindly I told her, she wouldn't just go to bed. I told her several times that it's okay now, let's just all get into bed & sleep!! But no!! She kicked up. I snapped once again.
"YOURE DRUNK! YOU CAN HARDLY SPEAK PROPERLY WITHOUT CRYING OR VOMITTTING. HOW CAN YOU LOOK AFTER HER? JUST PLEASE, HAVE A COLD GLASS OF WATER, GET INTO SOME CLEAN PJS, AND GO TO SLEEP. ILL SORT THIS OUT."
It was at this point my sister projectile vommited across the room. I turned around to see if she needed help, then looked at my Mum. Just as I looked my Mum in the eye, she slapped me across the face very hard. I held my cheek, in complete shock, and she was just about to punch me in the head when my sister shouted very loud. She got up and tried to hold my Mum while I curled up in a ball on the floor & had a panic attack.
Somehow, within a few seconds (it felt like hours) I managed to compose myself & stop the panic attack. I stood up, told her that please, go to bed. Let's just leave this now. But my sister was screaming at her, and this made my Mum angrier, & she dashed downstairs, grabbed the car keys & ran outside.
My sister & I chased after her. KitKat hopped in the car & shouted at her while I opened the drivers door & grabbed the car keys. Now bear in mind at this point it's midnight, & we are in a quiet estate of families. I saw lights turn on & I was sure that someone was going to call the police because Mum & KitKat were making such a nice. I spoke as softly as I could, fighting back the tears, trying to get them to be quiet. My Mum kept saying "I'm just sitting in the car." over & over (despite the fact I had to pull the keys out of the ignition before she turned the car on). I managed to stay relatively calm, & after a couple of minutes I got them to be quiet & convinced them to go inside.
Once inside the argument between my Mum & sister continued. KitKat was shocked my Mum was going to drive drunk, & possibly hurt herself or others. I don't think she remembered Mum had slapped me already! I convinced Mum to go upstairs while I get KitKat ready for bed.
KitKat vomited many many times, & afterwards broke down. Saying that from the bottom of her heart, how sorry she was this all happened. And how sorry she was I was put into this situation. I told her it was okay. Everything was going to be okay.
I think I was saying it more for my benefit then hers.
I checked on my mum, helped her get into bed, & she told me she was sorry then fell asleep. Then my sister was sick a few more times, & now she's fast asleep on the sofa.
It's now 2:30am & I am sat on the sofa staring at the wall, unsure on how to process what's happened.
I've got one of my favourite movies on in hopes it will distract me, but I can't stop thinking about the fact my Mum hit me - & she was going to do it again, harder! I swore that I would never let my Mum get this drunk again, & that I wouldn't allow myself to be put in a dangerous position again. Yet here I am. Shaking & crying quietly, hoping my Mum won't wake up & hurt me again.
I know it was just a slap, and that I've been on the receiving end of far worse, but this is how it always starts. One little slap, & before you know it you're a prisoner in your own home, covered in cuts & bruises.
I'm just scared. And I don't know what to do. How are we going to work past something like this? How am I supposed to learn to trust anyone ever again? I can't help but think that this is my life now. To get hurt by everyone I love & trust. To never feel safe in my home. To always live in fear of being hurt.
I don't know what to say, other than that I'm scared. And I don't know how to handle this tomorrow. Do I talk about it with her & deal with it? Do I act like it didn't happen? Do I move out? Do I stay? Do I tell someone about this? Or do I keep it a secret? I just don't know.
Sorry that this was a mountain to read, I just had to write it out while it was fresh in my memory.
Lolly
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