Ramblings In My Brain...

[lostforgottensoul]

Every time you engage in a ritual you reinforce the behavior... every time. Just the truth and a fact. Food for thought? Can you dig deep and find some footing on this to be able to do the uncomfortable thing and challenge this?

Good question! Unsure. I think i need to figure out why i do it? I know that the "dog thing" had a lot of emotions around it...A LOT, and still unable to get to most of them. I know that theres a lot of pain but i cant seem to go near it and some anger but then when i try to investigate that i tend to turn that on myself.

Its something thats gonna take a lot of time between me and my therapist to investigate these emotions cuz on my own i dont feel i can go near them...almost too strong maybe? Like i dont trust myself with emotions that strong.

Even in therapy i try to side step them and try like hell to dissociate to avoid feeling it...though my therapist generally wont let me, i still try.

Its gonna take a lot of time. Since the blame shift, everthing now is all new, like uncharted territory or something.

Its super hard to explain and i am so not trying to justify doing any of the rituals & punishments. They are just super complicated. Not through the DBT workbook yet and so im not yet about to regulate emotions and tolerate distress...im still trying to do Chapter 1 as i cant seem to distract my thoughts as they seem to move too fast and i cant seem to (therapist says practice) and self soothe (also therapist says takes practice).

I dont know

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If I may? I used to have reach to such spaces and it wasn't a good thing. Things spiralled into toxic relating & authority issues & victim blaming & censorship of expression and identities very fast in them, so it may not be a goal to find one.

Specialized groups can be more downfalls, than not.

Of course you may! And i agree! It seems to be better to work and commuicate with those that can identify with the individual symptoms (though on both sites if heard "you need a deprogramming specialist" but i think my current therapist is doing an awesome job ;)) but yeah, i can def find those that feel and think the same way, cult survivor or not and im seeing it easier to say work in the BPD area on the other site or the DBT area or sexual abuse area and work with PTSD stuff here. Seems if i split it that way its working better.

 

[Ronin]

you need a deprogramming specialist" but i think my current therapist is doing an awesome job

To be honest I'd stay away from 'deprogramming specialists' as far as possible.

People without qualifications, and solid qualifications, in therapy, neurology, psychiatry, trauma specifically, with cults religionistics / comparative religion & political science depending the orientation of the group, have no business treating victims of cults on a professional basis.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

To be honest I'd stay away from 'deprogramming specialists' as far as possible.

I agree there too. My therapist is awesome and he says that its "loosening up" a ton.

He wants to revisit EMDR now thats its loosened up a lot but that terrifies me after the first one we did.

It seems the more i talk and counter what was taught and the more i learn other thoughts, ideas, possible beliefs...the more loose it becomes.

Im still holding onto it tight though but i think im scared to let it go because whom am i without it? Its all ive ever known.

I think i'll figure that out eventually and will be able to eventually release it.

 

[Ronin]

im scared to let it go because whom am i without it?

Still yourself, with new options.

You and who you are don't get lost in the process just because you change and also become someone new. ;) They're not mutually exclusive.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

True, it's gonna take a long time, but that doesn't mean forever. You did what you had to do to survive. That you have done it and survived and are even healing from it now? Are all testament to your strength. You deserve compassion and care and good things, had more than darned enough of the worse ones.

:) I define myself as a coward. The MOD im conversing with on the other site, we were talking abour The Wizard Of Oz and i said O was the Cowardly Lion and he said that at the end he learned that he had all the courage that he wanted and needed all along.

Still working on that one but i try to try to think of that.

courage isn't an absence of fear, but fearing and doing it anyway.

:) I like that!

It's hard to impossible to make friends in situations you don't know what happens the next moment.

That's not on you, or your failing. You simply lived on and so did they, you all doing what you could with the little you had. That you even attempted / kept friendship as a value as something that's worth it, despite very lived lack of it? Another point for you & strength.

Yeah it was. I had a 3 friends in high school (one i made when i was 8 and saw WAY more than i knew, just recently found that out) and all i talk to on Facebook but im not in my hometown where 2 still are.

I never was able to really invite people over and my connecting with people was always sex, sex, and more sex..."must seduce" circles in my head.

Very confusing

You'll catch up. :)
Nothing wrong in being regressed in some parts, and not in others. Still deserve compassion & healing & help & gentle treatment and nothing but it.

Yeah, therapist said it isnt gonna take 17 yrs for my emotions to "grow up" or mature.

Maybe because that was a familiar world, something you know what to do with, and all the possibilities now are exhausting and scary and too much to deal with and all? It's alright it will take quite a time. Changes of decades long mindset, something one knew when yet forming, something one knew when most vulnerable, are not something you can do or undo overnight, so, patience and patience :) Also kindness with yourself.

Now you sound like my therapist ;)

 

[Ronin]

I define myself as a coward.

I'd challenge that - both in what led to that belief, that belief itself, and what IS cowardice for you, personally (not adding more as we may be using the same word and the concept and reasons for it would be vastly different.) Just a food for thought.

 

[Sideways]

Just my 2 bob, coz I don't really want to interrupt- but the messed up self-harm I engage in, I finally figured out it was (1) what I felt I deserved, and there was a relief that came from knowing I was treating myself 'appropriately'; and (2) it's reassuring, it's familiar, and it fits with what I know about myself... Bit like treating a hangover with more vodka though...

 

[The Albatross]

"... i think im scared to let it go because whom am i without it? Its all ive ever known." Aw gal that's the one of the good things about it... who you are can be a blank canvas and you can pick the colors, the brush strokes, and CHOOSE.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Still yourself, with new options.

You and who you are don't get lost in the process just because you change and also become someone new. ;) They're not mutually exclusive.

But who is that? I dont remember anything else. Its always been. I think im slowly finding myself...not sure but i think.

Ive always felt trapped inside myself so maybe im starting to break free?

But i also think its like the prisoner that wants to go back to prison cuz he doesnt fit in the "real world". I almost feel safer being trapped. Im terrified.

Aw gal that's the one of the good things about it... who you are can be a blank canvas and you can pick the colors, the brush strokes, and CHOOSE.

I cant seem to go blank. Im trying to change from one to another but for whatever reason i cant seem to go blank.

Im getting a lot out of this ongoing conversatiom with the MOD, or rather ADMIN on the other site...i linked him to the "dog thing" dream...them re-read it and for the first time in my life (and i was at work which makes it more odd, im usually numb at work) I cried...for just a few mins but for the first time in my life I cried over something that happened in my past. One of the biggest things yet, or the biggest thing since the blame shift.

The cult beliefs are seeming to loosen is grip and maybe the me, the me that feels trapped inside myself, can come out. The "inner child" is there...all the emotions are there. They just seem like too much each time i try to feel them but i think i am, slowly.

Trying to break free but im still terrified. I feel like a rerrified child peeking around the corner.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Just my 2 bob, coz I don't really want to interrupt- but the messed up self-harm I engage in, I finally figured out it was (1) what I felt I deserved, and there was a relief that came from knowing I was treating myself 'appropriately'; and (2) it's reassuring, it's familiar, and it fits with what I know about myself... Bit like treating a hangover with more vodka though...

Cutting & punishment (which are both a bit different) are done for several reasons.

1) its what i feel i deserve
2) its what has always happened, its supposed to be done
3) "god says to"
4) punishment for what i did & still do
5) to numb
6) control my own cuts this time...i control it now
7) its mine....part of control i think. My therapist has never asked me to stop because he knows i'll say "its my body and i'll do what i want". He's more interested in why i did it...what i felt which i can never answer and get mad at him when he stops me from dissociating...f*cking hell, i dont wanna talk about this and feel this, let me go away.

There are more reasons but i dont know what it is. I dont know why i want blood to drip down my arm...not sure what im getting out of that.

 

[Sideways]

Mmm - my T tells me (over & over) how dissociating was a clever coling strategy for the child trying to survive, but it's not helpful any more...there are many many times where I have to respectfully disagree.

Take it easy - you're posts are practically oozing with pain at my end:oops: