The Black Hole Of Trauma Survival

[ladee]

:joyful:

So, after sharing, it seems you are lonely, more lonely per se, than not having purpose. What can you do about that? Easing the lonliness. And I said, 'easing' not fixing, or changing, but easing?

 

[Ronin]

So @Cashew, you'd probably challenge me to find what is good about a black hole, right? Umm. Kinda stuck there.

Not 'good', more like - not eating you up. Empty while it is, but not the kind of empty that eats you up. Comfortable hole, without the comfort being 'just' tuning out the fact there's a hole. More content space for the moment's sake, stable while thinking of a patch or movement to something else. I don't confuse that for 'good', it's different states.

 

[sun seeker]

What can you do about that?

That's why I posted. To ease the loneliness by finding out whether there are any others in this particular kind of black hole.

 

[sun seeker]

stable while thinking of a patch or movement to something else

If I'm understanding what you are saying, I think that fits with my post above. Not looking for solutions, but for company. Anyone who can relate to what I'm saying, whether they are there now or have been in the past. Then at least, I know it's the trauma causing this, and not that I really am a black hole. Finding that connection - not solutions, not advice, just connection - gets me into a space where I can get to somewhere else eventually.

 

[sun seeker]

I broke in many ways in 2011 and can't seem to get back up again

Sorry to hear that Stickler. I missed answering this earlier. I'm reaching out to you in the darkness. Helloooo in there! This place has an awful echo, and it's pretty cold and damp too, we need to get better lighting. Anyone got a lamp they could throw down?

 

[ladee]

I'm sorry @sun seeker, I misunderstood... and the answer is yes. I thought I would disappear when I was going thru that. and felt all you described. It is lonely. And back then, who could I tell without getting the rhetorical statements of .... suck it up.... others have it so much worse than you, blah blah blah.... so I really was fighting for my life and very very lonely. I apologize again for not understanding....:hug:

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Sorry to hear that Stickler. I missed answering this earlier. I'm reaching out to you in the darkne...

Totally relate to everything you said on this thread. I'd put down a huge rope ladder and light the way up and out with a flaming torch if I could. It's hard, I am trying to keep positive but it's hard. I tried to hint at my therapist how the abuse affected me, things that aren't easy to fix. I'm not sure she even understood. And in real world I feel total alienation. But on here I get hope. Sorry you're in the black hole too.

 

[Ronin]

Finding that connection - not solutions, not advice, just connection

Ahh, gotcha Sun.
Cheering from a far, then. My 'connection' /looks/ like solutions, when I can't be brainstorming solutions I feel useless & why I even sharing this, it's nonsense, so the way I relate right now isn't translateable but the feeling is there much the same, relating & cheering for you & thinking of you. ;)

 

[Nevermore]

Yep. I totally relate. Don't want to tell my story, don't want to listen to anothers story, don't want to have to try to explain of understand of wonder if I can trust etc etc - all the exhaustion of trying to communicate.
just wAnt to connect in a human way, a daily normal way. Just want to know I'm not alone in a real way. so hard to feel that.
people are weird. When you're suffering they talk down to you like they know better or they criticise you like they know they'd handle it better.
But as soon as they hit a bump I'm the first one they call for advice/ an ear.
So tired of it. Tired.
Yep I'm in that black hole too.
The black hole makes more sense than most people!

 

[Nevermore]

I really thought about this thread last night. I do think it must be trauma connected, the feeling of being alone and unable to connect.
I wrote the post above having heard some very bad news about a friend dying - it sounded like suicide.
Later on in the night I heard more news - it no longer sounded like suicide and I felt completely different. Still so sad, but not the anger, the feelings of mistrust etc
A suicide was part of my trauma.
Now I really do think my inability to connect and trust in others is trauma related.
i don't think I can bear another suicide. I think it makes me not want to be close to anyone.
Big realisation

 

[ladee]

And that makes perfect sense @jojo88. So awesome you made that connection. Amazing when we pay attention to our feelings, the things we start to understand. I am sorry this has been a part of your life. One of the worst feelings in the world.I hope you have a Therapist and can work on this with help. Sending you :hug:'s if you accept them.

 

[sun seeker]

I apologize again for not understanding....

That's okay. You wanted to help. Very normal. And I'm getting better at telling people what I need... hey, my therapist would be so proud of me! :-)