The Black Hole Of Trauma Survival

[sun seeker]

sending you hugs @SunSeeker

Thank you, same back to you. :hug::hug::hug:

 

[ladee]

And that is ok @sun seeker. We have those days, damn it... but we do... Can only share my own experience of when I was where you are. I said to hell with all this, I will work on accepting this is as good as it's going to get. And small things started to matter. Small things started to make more sense, small things became bigger things as time went on.... So it wasn't the end after all, it was a new beginning, for me, it was what I needed to do... and it got 'different' if not always 'better'... I do appreciate you and am sorry it is 'one of those days'.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@sun seeker I am more than happy to reply candidly to your very pertinent question of me.

I quantify my statement thus:-

Being diagnosed with potentially life threatening cancer has been a wake up call for me, I now face this next challenge in my life with an open mind and very wide open eyes. At the end of the day no-one forced me to drink all that alcohol or to snort all that cocaine. I chose to do those things with a conscious and open mind.

Therefore I only have myself to blame at the end of the day, my abuses and addictions are not as a result of circumstance they are the result of my own choices, I face the possibility of cancer very realistically now.

 

[Ronin]

@sun seeker, what do you give others that you cannot give you?

Maybe starting at what you're giving can bring the awareness of where you could give it to you in other forms.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

And yes @sun seeker it does make me look at life differently now, it has been the wake up call for me that I desperately needed at the time I most needed it.

 

[ladee]

I understand what you are saying @sun seeker. Maybe it is not just one large thing but many small things. And if by some magic, if you were given the answer to your question, how would it change things for you?

 

[sun seeker]

it has been the wake up call for me that I desperately needed at the time I most needed it

That is so good to hear, and not at all surprising. I think serious illness often works this way. I hope for you that the "waking up" part may continue and your physical condition improve.

 

[sun seeker]

I will work on accepting this is as good as it's going to get.

This is familiar to me, in a bit of a different way. And very much reflects what I've been doing in therapy, which does feel like it has shifted things significantly. It's helping me integrate more. I'm feeling less like there is some impossible standard I am reaching for, and more like, okay, this is me, and considering what happened to me, it makes sense that this is me. And yet, this is not all of who I am. But darn it all, some days it feels like it is.

what do you give others that you cannot give you?

You know what? When I think about that, I actually do give myself what I give others... at least some of the time. But it falls so woefully short of what I need, and that is because I feel that what I really need is impossible. That's why I feel so much like a black hole. Like nothing fills the void, whether it comes from me or from others. This holds me back when I am helping others, too... I realize how little I am really giving, how trauma leaves such a vast emptiness that I want so much to help fill, but anything I give feels inadequate. I wish I could help so much more, and I feel helpless that I don't know how, because I haven't found the answer to the emptiness for myself either so I don't actually know that an answer exists.

So @Cashew, you'd probably challenge me to find what is good about a black hole, right? Umm. Kinda stuck there.

 

[sun seeker]

And if by some magic, if you were given the answer to your question, how would it change things for you?

Peace. That's what comes to mind. Finally, to be able to fall into a blissful kind of peace, no demands, and just rest.

 

[ladee]

So 'make up' a purpose... if we stay in our head all the time, we may as well make good use of it.... I just can't take myself so seriously when I am like this... So @sun seeker, you want to be a Wedding Planner??? Oh how awesome.... tho I am setting her rolling my eyes.... so tell me what you like to do... simple question......and try not to self sabotage with the answer... something doable.... And if in fact, you want to be a Wedding Planner, I apologize ahead of time.....:shy:

 

[ladee]

AND you can have peace right now... by saying your answer, for today, right now, is,' I don't know'... that is good enough by the way....:hug:

 

[sun seeker]

tell me what you like to do

I like it when I feel connected with others. There is nothing I particularly like to do for its own sake. That's as close to not sabotaging myself as I can come at the moment. This black hole is largely about huge loneliness. There are very few people in my life that I ever feel that connected to. It's the damage to my ability to feel connection that causes this vast expanse of emptiness.

Nope... no desire to be a wedding planner.