The Black Hole Of Trauma Survival

[sun seeker]

I tried to hint at my therapist how the abuse affected me, things that aren't easy to fix.

I encourage you to persist. Having someone understand, if only partially, makes such a difference. Things shifted in a major way for me when my therapist "got it." Trauma recovery isn't all about the trauma. It's about repairing the damage caused by the trauma, and that's something that either a person has to have been there to understand, or really really work at it. There's a reason why life is so hard for us.

 

[sun seeker]

when I can't be brainstorming solutions I feel useless

I don't want you to feel useless. Wish I could come up with a practical question for you... ah well, there will be other times.

 

[ladee]

Happy I could help with your progress, as convoluted as it was !!! Am proud of you for letting your needs be known. That IS progress !!!! Thanks for being understanding.:happy:

 

[Ronin]

@sun seeker, it's all good, just saying I'm not sure how to offer what you need right now, but wishing you well as you find it on your own ;)

 

[sun seeker]

When you're suffering they talk down to you like they know better or they criticise you like they know they'd handle it better.

Sigh. Very often, yes. There's a certain vulnerability in being with someone else's pain and not being able to solve it. Not everyone can go there.

The black hole makes more sense than most people!

I think I understand what you mean here. There's safety in the known. Less vulnerable. But lonely.

 

[sun seeker]

I do think it must be trauma connected, the feeling of being alone and unable to connect.

I think that is one of the major effects, actually. Especially with developmental trauma. Building the ability to connect is a lot more work than working on the trauma itself, I think.

i don't think I can bear another suicide. I think it makes me not want to be close to anyone.

That makes a lot of sense. Good that you realized that. My fears around closeness have different reasons, but still, understanding why is important. I'm sorry about all you are going through.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I encourage you to persist. Having someone understand, if only partially, makes such a difference....

Thank you @sun seeker I definitely will persist, yes, the damage caused is so difficult to deal with, and heal from but I will keep trying.

 

[Calling on Angels]

I sit on both sides of the couch-so to speak. I am a trauma survivor and a therapist working with trauma survivors. Talk about having a purpose :). I just want to mention that I have had and given alot of help but moving the trauma out of my body. Memory is in the body. i use brainspotting. which came out of the EMDR model. Trauma memory is trapped in the body. Locating it and moving it can really help. We have much less activation

 

[Knak]

I can relate. I have had ups and downs over 44 years of pain, and am aware of the "tunnel of chaos" where nothing makes sense before seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Very recently I felt that I could go no further and thought again, this is the end of the line.

This time it took over 2 months to get through to where I could bear it. I still blame myself for not doing what I am supposed to do to be healthy. I didn't leave the house for over a month, accidentally overdosed, lost 2 prescriptions.

 

[reallydown]

Hi @sun seeker ...Yes, there are others in this black hole...I am going through it now (I have been for a while)...Theoretically, I should be happier...there is a possibility of getting a better job, one that could really change things for me by opening some doors etc. Additionally, some good people recommended me for the position and have said some incredibly good things about me...And yet, here I am, thinking of a million reasons not to take the job because I am in that hole and I don't see a point.

Everything is flat. It does involve moving across the country and I don't feel up to it...the isolation and depression would only get worse in a new environment where I don't know anyone and there is a possibility that the job isn't as great as it initially looked, which makes me wonder more about what the hell I want (I also have a bit of an impostor syndrome thing going and so I keep wondering when they'll all figure out that I am a fraud).
I also don't think I can handle the stress and again, the questions of how ready am I for life etc. keep coming up...And I feel like if I can't even do this, how the hell am I going to keep going...But then, of course, I think I shouldn't anyway. I feel like if I take this, it would only be a result of other people pressuring me to do it...I don't think I'm doing a good job of articulating the similarities but suffice it to say, this flatness/black hole thing is keeping me form getting out there and doing things that are possibly good for me...As I read your initial post I had more relateable things in my had but they've gone...The point being...you're not alone. Hang in there.

 

[fionedge]

I'm really depressed right now. Not something I often say. Today I was curled up in bed, sobbing, t...

SO now you said it 'I'm really depressed right now.' GREAT! So very hard to just to say it...and you did! Wow...that's truth...sucks! ...but true? Hear you! Me too! ....so now my darling you're not alone. Though suspect that's how it feels!

Thank you so very much for speaking this....mega courage when you're so curled up and sobbing and wondering what the f*ck is the purpose of living when life is so bleak....so utterly without meaning and purpose and pleasure and joy.

But you spoke from this realm of despair and darkness....and you spoke for others to when you named how it is too live in this realm.So now speak more. THAT's your choice! You Do have helpers!.....all those who all are afraid to speak....but know what you're speaking about.

So, my darling.....since what got you up was to tell your story....TELL IT! Hear that you're afraid.....BUT Hey....someone's got to speak the unspeakable.... How's about it;s YOU!......speaking for all those others who are curled up in despair and fear! TELL YOUR STORY!.....and maybe you make a platform for other to tell theirs!

And hey.....course what you feel in normal! But shit happened!.....to you!.....and now move on..speak FROM your wisdom and knowledge of the dark...Speak ABOUT the wound.....but just don't stay there! YOU HAVE A STORY TO TELL.....

Me too! My beloved daughter died 6 years ago. i've not been fit for human company!.....howling, raging , bereft in my grief.. Now emerging....going to tell stories about death and dying for all the other bereaved parents!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX





What I finally connected to in my tormented mind, and that I am looking for confirmation of, is that the way I feel is normal for someone who suffered repeated abuse from an early age. It's not remembering, itself, that makes me feel like a black hole of despair. It's what the abuse did to me. It's the immensity of the feeling that I am nothing, worth nothing, that all efforts to make it better are hopeless because I am hopeless, that it is all my fault that I am this way, that I am damaged beyond any possible help. I'm clinging to a tiny sliver of light in this darkness, and that light is the fact that feeling this way is not because this is who I am. It's because this is how I was treated. It's not how I am being treated now, but the past seems so much more powerful than the present.

Anyone relate? And I'm sorry if anyone can. I'm grasping for any straws of connection to others in this blackness.

 

[Enaila]

That's okay. You wanted to help. Very normal. And I'm getting better at telling people what I need...

Keep reaching out....Keep sharing.