Time For Plan B

[Scarface]

I've lost and gained and lost huge amounts of weight.
Being socially considered moderately attractive a...

I'm sorry, it sounds like life has dealt you some shitty cards. I've never once said that none of you all are suffering and don't have problems. I just ask that you please don't minimalized my suffering.

Btw, I've had adversity in my past. My life hasn't been pain free. My dad is a womanizing asshole who emotionally abused me growing up. I've dated my fair share of loser guys (drug addicts, cheaters, control freaks, etc). I've had issues with alcohol in the past. But, I've been able to work through these issues on my own without any major depression or suicidal tendencies before. But this accident and disfigurement has been different. Way different. And it's infuriating because I worked so hard school/career wise to get to where I was and I was literally on top of the world. I had everything, except for a lover. I was so happy. But then the horrible accident triggered a trauma induced BDD reaction to the horrific gash on my face. And I watched this gash get progressively WORSE as it healed, while everyone kept telling me I'd be fine, that it would be barely noticeable a year later. Boy were they wrong. And I kept freaking out, day by day, praying and hoping that it would fade away, researching treatments and ways to correct it. Turns out, it was totally out of my control and there was nothing I could do to help it. The damage was done. The thing about scarring is it's incredibly unpredictable and there is loads of misinformation/misconception out there. I even had a friend, who's a freaked Physician's Assistant, tell me to use mederma on it. Are you kidding me?? Anyone in the medical community should know that mederma is junk and doesn't do crap for scarring.

So then I starter chasing plastic surgeons down for the next 10 months. I was blessed with very good looks. Never in a million years would I have ever thought about plastic surgery. And I was already in my mid 30s, I wasn't worried about aging and rushing in for Botox and fillers. I took very good care of my body holistically through exercise and good diet. But then I got disfigured and thrown into the whole nightmare of reconstructive surgery. And there are no strictly reconstructive surgeons. That's another misconception. The money is in cosmetics, so these doctors always do both, even at the universities. And plastic surgeons generally weren't excited about trying to fix the disfiguring scar on the pretty girl's face, which is impossible to erase. They know she'll never be satisfied. They get excited about making the flat chested girl into a c cup. Or making the 50 year old woman look like she's 40 again. Then they will feel like God.

So Stickler, you are misinformed about scarring too. A traumatic crush injury produces much more scar tissue than a surgical cut. So the surgery that you are describing sounds like all of your surgical insitions will be precisely placed so that you will have no visible scarring.

Another misconception about plastic surgery is that a surgeon can make a scar invisible. They can't. And that's why a scar revision is almost guaranteed to fail. It's very hard to turn a bad scar into a good scar.

To top this all off, the deep depression and anxiety has caused me to age what feels like 10 years in 10 months. I have stomach problems now. My body is flabby and weak because I don't feel comfortable pulling my hair back to go to the gym. So there goes my natural way to combat stress and depression. So I lost my great athletic body too. My so called friends bailed quickly. I couldn't keep up with their fabulous lifestyles anymore. They weren't going to come to my apartment on a Saturday night and watch a movie with the disfigured girl. This has just been one horrible butterfly effect full of events with no end in sight. It is, the beginning of the end I'm afraid. Like the collapse of the Roman Empire.

 

[Stickler]

The trauma replaying constantly is a flashback.
Flashbacks can be worked on in therapy.

 

[Scarface]

Yes, I agree with a lot of this. The accident was devastating. And it was total bullshit that it happened to me. Completely unfair. But if the gash would have been on the back of my head and I needed staples where no one would see the scar, I would have cared less. But now I have to walk around with hair in my face or a hat for the rest of my life. This is not about vanity and looking perfect. I feel different and like an ugly freak of nature.

 

[digger]

But if you think about it, if Hollywood can't even cover Tina Fey's scar for the camera, what makes you think I can cover my deeper and wider scar in person?

I didn't know who Tina Fey was so I googled her. I still don't know much about her, but from the little I read she seems to be more than the scar on her face and doesn't let it dictate what she does with her life or hold her back from living. Has it occurred to you she might be choosing not to cover it?

 

[Casey_03]

To top this all off, the deep depression and anxiety has caused me to age what feels like 10 years in 10 months. I have stomach problems now. My body is flabby and weak because I don't feel comfortable pulling my hair back to go to the gym.

See, you acknowledge here that at least part of the problem is depression caused by the scarring -- so try to focus on that first. Put Plan B aside and get into therapy for dealing with the depression caused by the scarring (I think someone else in this thread mentioned the title for a specific kind of therapist trained to deal with disfigurement). Instead of trying to reverse the disfigurement or hide it, take a smaller step -- just deal with the depression, just TRY. No one here is telling you "Oh just get over it." I don't think anyone expects that. But if you at least explore your options for dealing with the depression and emotional fallout of the scarring, you might find your perspective changing. And maybe you won't. There are no guarantees. But you won't know if you don't at least try. As for your friends bailing, I don't think that's from the scarring either - it's more likely from your defeatist attitude. I know when I've suffered severe depression, I've lost all my friends too. It's a reaction to the depression and them now knowing how to help, it's not a reaction to the scar. Honestly, I can empathize when you post about how debilitating this is for you, because I can say honestly that my looks have been a blessing and have saved me in a number of really bad situations. And like you, i need to look nice for my job. So I freely admit that I cannot imagine how I would react if I were suddenly disfigured. I would probably be having a similar reaction to yours. But all that we ask of you is to give it some time and to just try to take it one step at a time - deal with the depression first, then worry about the scarring. 10 months may seem like a long time but it's not. And also, one last thing, and i hope this doesn't offend you and I'm not violating any boundaries here, but maybe you'd want to take a photo of your scar and show us, so we can understand better? (Not your whole face, just the scar itself maybe. If that is against forum rules, I apologize in advance. I just see a lot of people responding asking about the scar and it's very hard for us to imagine the scope of it.)

 

[digger]

This is not about vanity and looking perfect. I feel different and like an ugly freak of nature.

I think what people are trying their hardest to explain to you is that you can work on those feelings and come to a different place with all this. That people can and do find ways to accept and live with facial disfigurement. You've mentioned BDD and depression and PTSD, all these things can be worked on - it's not going to take the scar away, it could make a huge difference to how you feel about it.

 

[Fadeaway]

First of all, I want to say that I am not trying to be cruel, I have been trying to get the guts up to write this post all night. My post probably won't do much good, but I need to get it off my chest anyways.

That said, you have made 50 posts at the time I am writing this, and every single post has been about you. About how no understands your suffering and pain. You act as if what other people are going through isn't as bad as what you are going through. Guess what princess, you are on a PTSD forum, since you haven't seemed to figure that out. There are people here with more horrific stories than you could ever imagine, yet they are also the most, kind, loving and caring people I have ever had the privilege of meeting. I am angry because you are constantly insulting them. Even your attempts to say you feel bad for someone are nothing more than underhanded insults.

You don't want people to minimize your suffering, and we aren't we all believe the emotional pain you have is very real, but you are minimizing everyone else's.

Your friends are clearly crappy friends. Only a shallow idiot with the i.q. of a dung beetle wouldn't want to watch a movie with a friend because of a scar. Sounds like your "friends" make the cast of "Mean Girls" seem like total sweethearts. I am truly sorry you have people like that in your life, but maybe if you started looking outward you would make real friends. Take a leap towards your healing and start thinking about being a friend to others and stop insulting mine.

 

[Casey_03]

@Scarface Are you sure you're not suffering from Body Dysmorphic Disorder? Apologies if you've already mentioned that somewhere ....

 

[Casey_03]

http://bddfoundation.org/community/personal-stories/#claire-story Read "Claire's Story" @Scarface . BDD isn't necessarily only when the deformity is completely imagined, there are case studies of it resulting from scarring and even acne, even cases of it happening after pregnancy in women. I think you need to consider that this is BDD - yes, you have a real disfigurement, but it's possible that what other people see on your face as a minor scar, you see as a deformity. It really sounds more and more like BDD, not just anxiety and depression caused by the scarring.
http://www.overcomingbdd.com/my-facial-scar-overcoming-bdd-along-with-my-worst-fears/
http://www.overcomingbdd.com/acne-and-the-makings-of-body-dysmorphic-disorder/

 

[Friday]

I've never once said that none of you all are suffering and don't have problems. I just ask that you please don't minimalized my suffering.

You have actually. In nearly every single post.

Everything you're experiencing? All the horrible/terrible/extreme/severe.... Is normal here.

You're talking to people who experience all of your symptoms. And you keep arguing that no one understands. Keep trying to explain how bad it is for you. Hon. We all do. We all have PTSD. Each and every single symptom you've described? From suicidal ideation, isolation, depression, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, affect &/or personality change, emotional instability, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, cognitive distort tons, triggers (and if you haven't pieced this together, yet, your scar is a trigger)... These are all part of having PTSD. Doesn't matter what caused it. PTSD is caused by the worst of the worst of trauma. You're not talking to people who've stubbed their toes, here. The advice you keep arguing with isn't coming from people who don't get it & haven't been there.

It's not about you haven't been locked in a cinderblock box and beaten, raped, electrocuted, drowned, starved, and tortured ... So you cannot possibly understand what it's like to have PTSD.

You do understand what it's like to have PTSD. Because you have it.

If you take a step back from the isolatingly unique aspects of each of our traumas? What you'll find is thousands of people who have been there. Who have lived through panic attacks, and suicidal impulse, and triggers, and stressors, and isolating, and, and, and, and. Really. Who have this disorder and have dealt with it. Who have have this disorder and are learning to deal with it. You'll find that sometimes people with nearly the exact same trauma as you? You have some cool tips, tricks, & ways to deal. However, You'll also find that sometimes people with nearly the exact same trauma as you? Do things in a way that will never work for you. But that someone with a wildly different trauma? Hot damn! You get on like a house on fire. And OMFG the tips, tricks, & ways to deal they use work sooooooo well in your own life. Because it's really not about the trauma. Its about the disorder & It's about the person. How we each, as individuals, cope. All of us have the same disorder. We tend to break into different groups for how we cope with that disorder. And none of us has the exact same trauma as anyone else.

Terminal Uniqueness... Kills.

It really, really does. So take a step back from what makes you different... Because something makes all of us different... And look for the similarities. Look for what you can use. Look for the strength. But in order to do that? One really has to take a step back.

I'm afraid to go outside because of my... Nope! Keep it simple. I'm afraid to go outside. Okay. From that point maybe 2/3s of the people here have had the same symptom expression. Of those 2/3s? Some will have amazing tricks that really, really help you. Some will have some amazing tricks, mixed in some useless tricks, and some WTF would that help anyone/ totally made things worse for me ticks. Some will have nothing but things that don't work for you. So take what you like and discard the rest.

I've lost my career // I've lost my purpose in life // I've lost my self confidence // I've lost my ability to sleep // I've lost my.... Each and every single thing you're blaming on the scar? Hon. It ain't the scar. The scar is "just" a trigger. You have PTSD.

This site? Isn't about sympathy. It's about solutions. About people with the worst of the worst of trauma helping ourselves and others with the worst of the worst of trauma. You must be at least this tall to ride this ride. You are. Same as everyone else. So use that. If everyone else here is going through some of the same things I'm going through? Use that. Comparing traumas? Pretty useless. Comparing how we deal with trauma? Super useful.

 

[Friday]

Just wanted to add, that @joeylittle's suggestion of inpatient trauma treatment, I think to be an excellent one... Especially for as isolated as you've been feeling.

 

[Fadeaway]

I just want to reinforce everything @FridayJones said. She is 100% spot on. I would like it 1,000 times if I could.