Firstly I hope this is in the right category, it was the one that seemed the most fitting.
In the past week I've had a realisation/reminder/retrieval of sorts.
I'd always attributed my PTSD/mental health issues/trauma to 2 separate lines of events, the sexual abuse and the trauma of the first time I reported/my parents finding out blah-di-blah.
This is my final year at school and in one of my classes we are studying the film Dead Man Walking which includes a violent and graphic scene at the end. Sans PTSD, anyone would find the scene confronting and distressing which of course I felt as well but increased ten-fold. However, after each 'viewing' (I would shift my gaze/dissociate/block out as much as possible) I was left with this really dirty, guilty feeling that I've never felt to this degree before. It was like my body was telling me I was inherently lying about something. (It's also worth noting at this point my teacher is one who I've had for 3 years now, she's aware of the history (long story) and my ptsd/other MH issues and is UNBELIEVABLY supportive and has been very understanding and accommodating and discrete which has made it easier to deal with.)
On Monday I attended a school retreat, (in classes we have a day off school where we practice team bonding exercises, mindfulness/meditation and prayer and shit which is quite nice actually) and one of the tasks we were given to do was to draw a (private) timeline and list our greatest highs and deepest lows over our lifetime. For me a good chunk of it was dominated by 'that thing.' One of the 'highs' that I could write down was the time I spent living overseas which was actually what stopped the abuse from occurring. In the moment I wrote it down I felt sick to my stomach.
As part of my Prolonged Exposure work, my psychologist asked me to work on exposures to the scene in Dead Man Walking. Not only will this be good for the work we're doing but it will actually enable to do the work in class unhindered. So, on Tuesday night I sat down and watched in full for the first time. I had flashbacks, but not the usual ones I've had before of my abuse, it was of one singular event. At first I thought it was the film scenes that i was experiencing but it was more distinct and different to that and more familiar and real and scary. I realised why all of a sudden, a scene that was a sexual assault scene (which usually would be slightly lower on the spectrum of what would be triggering for me) was eliciting the response I would expect from seeing a young child being hurt (I haven't watched anything like that but on my real life experiments hierarchy thing that's what I predicted.) I don't know if you've seen the movie/this particular scene. But it was the trees and the car and all of that combined made this singular event come flooding back from when I was 10 and overseas. The man who my dad's company had hired to be our driver assaulted me one day after picking me up from school early when I was sick. (that's the first time i've verbalised that I'm shaking so hard right now)
I'm shit scared and I feel like this is a major setback, my session on Wednesday was horrendously bad and I felt very disconnected from my clinician and i feel as though that is due to my dishonesty. I feel very used at the moment, having realised that two people took advantage of me in that way. I want to tell someone, I want to be able to say it out loud but I'm so f*cking scared. I know there's controversy about repressed memories and stuff like that? I don't know if this constitutes a repressed memory because obviously I'm not a psychologist. At the moment it's extremely difficult to reach out to my psychologist or my counsellor full stop due to the terrible session we had this week so I wouldn't even know who to reach out to? Major things like this would've been remembered, I would of thought? Would whoever i told think I was lying depending on whether or not they believe in repression? I'm worried that without saying anything it's going to seriously hinder my progress in PET which is counterintuitive obviously? Help please!
(this is very confusing my thoughts are very disorganised at the moment sorry
In the past week I've had a realisation/reminder/retrieval of sorts.
I'd always attributed my PTSD/mental health issues/trauma to 2 separate lines of events, the sexual abuse and the trauma of the first time I reported/my parents finding out blah-di-blah.
This is my final year at school and in one of my classes we are studying the film Dead Man Walking which includes a violent and graphic scene at the end. Sans PTSD, anyone would find the scene confronting and distressing which of course I felt as well but increased ten-fold. However, after each 'viewing' (I would shift my gaze/dissociate/block out as much as possible) I was left with this really dirty, guilty feeling that I've never felt to this degree before. It was like my body was telling me I was inherently lying about something. (It's also worth noting at this point my teacher is one who I've had for 3 years now, she's aware of the history (long story) and my ptsd/other MH issues and is UNBELIEVABLY supportive and has been very understanding and accommodating and discrete which has made it easier to deal with.)
On Monday I attended a school retreat, (in classes we have a day off school where we practice team bonding exercises, mindfulness/meditation and prayer and shit which is quite nice actually) and one of the tasks we were given to do was to draw a (private) timeline and list our greatest highs and deepest lows over our lifetime. For me a good chunk of it was dominated by 'that thing.' One of the 'highs' that I could write down was the time I spent living overseas which was actually what stopped the abuse from occurring. In the moment I wrote it down I felt sick to my stomach.
As part of my Prolonged Exposure work, my psychologist asked me to work on exposures to the scene in Dead Man Walking. Not only will this be good for the work we're doing but it will actually enable to do the work in class unhindered. So, on Tuesday night I sat down and watched in full for the first time. I had flashbacks, but not the usual ones I've had before of my abuse, it was of one singular event. At first I thought it was the film scenes that i was experiencing but it was more distinct and different to that and more familiar and real and scary. I realised why all of a sudden, a scene that was a sexual assault scene (which usually would be slightly lower on the spectrum of what would be triggering for me) was eliciting the response I would expect from seeing a young child being hurt (I haven't watched anything like that but on my real life experiments hierarchy thing that's what I predicted.) I don't know if you've seen the movie/this particular scene. But it was the trees and the car and all of that combined made this singular event come flooding back from when I was 10 and overseas. The man who my dad's company had hired to be our driver assaulted me one day after picking me up from school early when I was sick. (that's the first time i've verbalised that I'm shaking so hard right now)
I'm shit scared and I feel like this is a major setback, my session on Wednesday was horrendously bad and I felt very disconnected from my clinician and i feel as though that is due to my dishonesty. I feel very used at the moment, having realised that two people took advantage of me in that way. I want to tell someone, I want to be able to say it out loud but I'm so f*cking scared. I know there's controversy about repressed memories and stuff like that? I don't know if this constitutes a repressed memory because obviously I'm not a psychologist. At the moment it's extremely difficult to reach out to my psychologist or my counsellor full stop due to the terrible session we had this week so I wouldn't even know who to reach out to? Major things like this would've been remembered, I would of thought? Would whoever i told think I was lying depending on whether or not they believe in repression? I'm worried that without saying anything it's going to seriously hinder my progress in PET which is counterintuitive obviously? Help please!
(this is very confusing my thoughts are very disorganised at the moment sorry
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