Childhood How Young Shd We Teach Kids About Inappropriate Touching?

[Lucycat]

As much as I think it is important to protect children how can you tell them what is inappropriate touch when it is the parents that are abusing the child? Parental touch is *usually * considered appropriate as one expects that even if it involves intimate areas it is being done for a reason - like checking for an injury or something. If the parents say their touch is ok then no aunt, uncle or kindly teacher is going to persuade a small child otherwise. Parents know best! (That is meant to be sarcasm!)

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Heather
Yes, the taking to the grave decision is common.

I put that decision also, and held it for 7 years :(


But she told, so it will be easier to help, and much more time is left for theraphy :hug:

 

[Anarchy]

I've just seen and spoken to the guy who I ..... When I was 9 and he was mid teens.

My mother was never a person who I could have told. Even if I needed to. She never made herself a safe person to share with.

I mention it here, I told the woman who I was engaged to, and the woman who I actually married. They were safe.

 

[ghotiff]

As much as I think it is important to protect children how can you tell them what is inappropriate touch when it is the parents that are abusing the child?

Also, if abuse is outside the home and parents are in denial.

More important I think than teaching what "bad" tough is....is being a safe person that they can tell, and somehow communicating that.

 

[ladee]

I feel what I was trying to teach my children , was to trust how some people made them FEEL .. We know that many times we are groomed before hand. That was what I wanted my kids to learn. And if they suspected someone was being hurt, they were also told it was safe to tell me or one of their safe people... Kids will sometimes tell another kid if something is going on.... of course I talked to them about the 'touching', but was more focused on preventative if at all possible. Someone here on this thread shared about starting very young with thier children, and then kept building on that foundation... that is what I did... It was not a one time conversation. My stepson told me awhile back, that it has helped him in dating !!! That he could tell if someone was not coming across sincere... so who knew !!!
And guess this is where adults need to be more vigilant to the children around us.. for the ones being abused in the home and mom is in denial.... but that is another thread....

 

[scout86]

It seems to me that what makes something "wrong" is the motive behind it. So what makes a child vulnerable to that? Being taught never to question an adult, for a start. Not believing that what they think or want matters for another.

I've thought about this for a long time, from what might be a weird perspective. When I was a kid, we had a family doctor that I deeply and truly hated. As far as I know, he never did anything inappropriate with me, other than lie to my face. (which, apparently, adults are allowed to do when dealing with a kid.) I've often wonder, "How did what he did, in the course of his duties, actually differ from 'abuse'?" After all, I didn't like it, didn't approve of it, and I had no choice? How is that different? And yet, what do you do when you kid doesn't want the doctor touching them?

What was lacking, to start with, is some discussion. And I think that's something kids need to know. When confronted with an adult making questionable requests, always ask for a second opinion. If the adult isn't open to public discussion, that would be a red flag.

To the OP, what about going to your sister and asking her how she's handling this? (Because maybe she is.) And then you might tell her why this is such an important topic for you too. (You think your parents really kept this a secret from her? Maybe she already knows and just hasn't known how or when to bring it up?)

 

[Sideways]

@scout86 - family dynamics:blackeye:
My older sister & brother shut down communication with me when I got sick 7 years ago, long before the trauma stuff came out. But I'm like Michael Jackson, I'm a lover not a fighter (!), so even though she chooses not to speak to me, I still care about her and her kids.

One of the difficulties is that the human brain goes through puberty just like the rest of your body. When it hits puberty, it's developed dnough that you can start to understand complexities like "just because they're treating me bad, it could be some issue going on with them, not with me". Before then, a child's brain is more simple with interpersonal stuff: when I cry mummy holds me, when I throw my food at dad he gets mad etc.

During that stage of development, if a bad thing is happening to a child, their brain is only sufficiently developed to interpret that as "I must be bad", or "I must have done something bad". It's not just what our parents teach us - when your brain is still pre-puberty, you actually don't have the developed capacity to interpret it as "this person is bad", particularly if the person is in a caregiving role.

It's complex, & I'll be honest I'm not quite across the whole brain physiology & development thing. But my understanding, from what I've learnt so far, is that a child's brain is the enemy when it comes to abuse from caregivers and "safe" people. Little kids think it's their fault & they've been bad because their brain isn't physiologically developed enough to see it any other way...

Tough nut to crack:confused:

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Ragdoll Circus
Yes
And often people adding aditional blame don't help.

My parents often blame me, for everything... Makes it shittier

 

[Friday]

My older sister & brother shut down communication with me when I got sick 7 years ago, long before the trauma stuff came out. But I'm like Michael Jackson, I'm a lover not a fighter (!), so even though she chooses not to speak to me, I still care about her and her kids.

Just to be clear... You're not planning on circumventing your sister and talking to her kids about sex, rape, etc., right? This is just your own considering of the topic?

 

[Sideways]

@FridayJones - good lord no! I'm getting so twitchy about it that I'm actually planning to strategically put my mum in the middle of it & get mum to have the conversation with her for me!

 

[Sideways]

Haha - I can picture my neice running off to cuddle mum, howling "Mummy! Aunty Ragdoll creeps me out"!!

 

[ladee]

Even laughing at you last post, I knew you would not take that on and talk to the kids on your own. I am happy that you are concerned... are aware where your own issues are overlapping you heartfelt concerns, and letting others do the task of awareness.... You just have to plant the seed, and let others tend the garden... sending you cyber hugs !!