Sorry for confusion. This is actually a very sensitive topic for me. My "mom" was not right. At all. She guilt tripped me and didnt take care of me. Instead of showing care she let her anxiety take over and said almost the same as your did. The hell I ended up in I have to live with the memories of the rest of my life. I lost my youth. Its a grown up I learned to see what was going on with her. But it will never ever make it acceptable for a parent to treat their kids like this. I dont care what she went through in that sense. She choose not to give me away so then I was her responsibility. Makin me feel even more unloved and bad child didnt makes things better at all. And I reckonize how you describe yourself as child. I was a prudent decent little girl. Best student at school. Sorry writing this it really hurts and its your thread. It just brought up memories from the worst years of my life. They destroyed all I was and made me into something I wasnt. Im still trying to get back to that girl.
-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
Was This Reasonable? Need A Detached Viewpoint.
- Post starter Sandstone
- Start date
- Status
- Moderator
- #14
Sideways
VIP Member
Okay, so at the time, you (a child) weren't getting what you needed. On a basic level - that is, a mum who cared about you.
As an adult, you can see that the pain, the psychological damage, and all the other fallout was, & is, pretty reasonable.
But as an adult (don't know about anyone else, but I hated my parents as a teen, & I think that's pretty normal even in functional families!), maybe use the fact that you can now understand her response from a different perspective, like it was probably part fear/panic/relief in overwhelming waves, and probably part disfunctional personality.
It wasn't right when it happened, so it's perfectly valid that it's been an issue ever since. But you don't need to hang onto that...probably (floating an idea here), there maybe needs to be a period of grief and mourning to acknowledge the fact that your mum was, in many ways, a bit of a dud. There's a significant loss there it seems - loss of the childhood with affectionate mum that you were entitled to and never had..?
As an adult, you can see that the pain, the psychological damage, and all the other fallout was, & is, pretty reasonable.
But as an adult (don't know about anyone else, but I hated my parents as a teen, & I think that's pretty normal even in functional families!), maybe use the fact that you can now understand her response from a different perspective, like it was probably part fear/panic/relief in overwhelming waves, and probably part disfunctional personality.
It wasn't right when it happened, so it's perfectly valid that it's been an issue ever since. But you don't need to hang onto that...probably (floating an idea here), there maybe needs to be a period of grief and mourning to acknowledge the fact that your mum was, in many ways, a bit of a dud. There's a significant loss there it seems - loss of the childhood with affectionate mum that you were entitled to and never had..?
joeylittle
Sponsor
My mother's two go-to statements about me, from when I was very little, were "I don't know what to do with you" (said in a benignly neglectful way), and "You'll always land on your feet." I'm still working on grasping that those statements didn't mean that there was something wrong with me, they meant that she had no idea how to be a parent.
When I was abducted (at 13), I was made to call home and give an excuse for why I'd be away. It was a school break, and I never had any rules to follow, anyway. I still don't know how my kidnapper knew that. But when I was returned home, completely battered, she asked me if I wanted to see a doctor. And that was it. As in, "do you want to see a doctor?" "no" "OK".
I know that her mother did not do a stellar job. I know that she was handling my mentally ill father. I know that she did a much better job with my sister, who came along when I was 5. My sister was sick a lot, my mother was a nurse, and somehow that gave her a scheme for how to be a parent.
So, I understand. But it doesn't mean it was acceptable behavior, on her part. I'm sure there are reasons behind your mother's actions, but the reasons are only facts - they aren't justifications. I don't think your mother was demonstrating good parenting when she didn't even want to know why you had left, where you had been spending your time, and how to keep you from running away again. I'm sorry she didn't take care of you - but it wasn't your fault.
When I was abducted (at 13), I was made to call home and give an excuse for why I'd be away. It was a school break, and I never had any rules to follow, anyway. I still don't know how my kidnapper knew that. But when I was returned home, completely battered, she asked me if I wanted to see a doctor. And that was it. As in, "do you want to see a doctor?" "no" "OK".
I know that her mother did not do a stellar job. I know that she was handling my mentally ill father. I know that she did a much better job with my sister, who came along when I was 5. My sister was sick a lot, my mother was a nurse, and somehow that gave her a scheme for how to be a parent.
So, I understand. But it doesn't mean it was acceptable behavior, on her part. I'm sure there are reasons behind your mother's actions, but the reasons are only facts - they aren't justifications. I don't think your mother was demonstrating good parenting when she didn't even want to know why you had left, where you had been spending your time, and how to keep you from running away again. I'm sorry she didn't take care of you - but it wasn't your fault.
- Post starter
- #16
I'm sorry too, that we have both had this experience, and grateful to you for being brave enough to offer me support despite your pain.
Finding a way to let go is the challenge, isn't it? Maybe resentment is easier than pain. But if I let go of the resentment, then there is no justification for feeling any pain.
As part of taking care of myself, specially while on an enforced therapy break of unknown duration, my previous T has told me I must monitor my levels of distress when on the forum. I'm showing my signs of distress now - breathing problems, neck flushing, desire to eat to massive excess, so I'm going to do as she advised and take a break to do some quilting maths. I also have to be together enough to catch a bus from the scary side of the road for a blood test later.
I'll be back in a few hours, and I'll be glad to hear what anyone has to say.
Thanks everyone
Ragdoll - In my case its not only the loss. Ive been trying to deal with the trauma it caused me in the sense of being a homelss kid on the street at the age of 15. I was used and abused so badly I cant even belive I finally got out of this. And all my dear "mom" could do was call me a slut. I know she projected it on me do from her own background. But still. Ive been trying so hard to grief through it and get on with my life, Threads like this reminds me of this aweful years. I dont want to hold on to anything. I want to despite be happy and free. But yeah it reminds me of why Ive been so f*cked up in my life. All though this said in my case is not only lack of love and care. Its also background of severe abuse and violence from her and everyone else in that family.
ladee
VIP Member
Having a parent who is never wrong.. and how awesome that you made that connection @Sandstone , that this was your declaration, that she was wrong, and you can prove it! In the long run, what it comes down to, is that so many of us have so many unmet needs and then feel toxic shame for asking for help, or reassurance....and honestly don't have a clue , or didn't have a clue, what that even felt like, to have needs met.
I ran away at 14, no cops were called.. no one was looking for me. So I stayed gone, and like @Bloomy, went on to find out what the world was like at an age I did not have the skills to navigate.
This only validate that I was worthLESS. Not worth looking for. To this day I battle that feeling. Some how it doesn't quite connect inside me, to my soul, that I am worthy, not worthLESS. So that set a precedent for me, about how I would live out my life.
@joeylittle , how absolutely sad and empty was your moms reaction..... and I totally agree. They had no excuses... none that would ever justify making us feel we did not matter.
I ran away at 14, no cops were called.. no one was looking for me. So I stayed gone, and like @Bloomy, went on to find out what the world was like at an age I did not have the skills to navigate.
This only validate that I was worthLESS. Not worth looking for. To this day I battle that feeling. Some how it doesn't quite connect inside me, to my soul, that I am worthy, not worthLESS. So that set a precedent for me, about how I would live out my life.
@joeylittle , how absolutely sad and empty was your moms reaction..... and I totally agree. They had no excuses... none that would ever justify making us feel we did not matter.
lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
You know what I think? I think forgiveness goes a long way, for both your mother and for you (for whatever you think you should of or shouldnt of done & the same for her).
Remember that forgiveness is for you, not the other person. Resentment just keeps you more 'inprisioned' if you will.
I often look back, mostly at myself, resenting what i did instead of what i think I should of done; at my mom for not protecting me & hurting her own child, my step father for being a freak that messed it all up (not sure i will ever be able to forgive those 2 or even myself)....and my dad for leaving me there though I begged him twice to take me.
My therapist did say (not mentioning me & the other 2 as thats gonna take a lot longer) and told me "you need at some point to forgive your dad & release the anger you have towards him." He lives w/ me now & it seems I take it out on him a lot. Kind of like yelling at him a lot due to the anger of not seeing the HUGE red flags that were there and leaving me in hell.
I know forgiving myself for what i did instead of what i think i should of done is part of that.
But was your mother wrong, yes, but my question is, do you want resentment to keep you trapped in anger?
I dont know if you still speak to your mother or if you do, if this would go well or over like a lead brick but sometimes, as an adult, its helped to have conversation about it. You may learn that maybe thats how she was raised, as an example, and so did the best she could with what she knew.
Maybe she was wrong in may things but I still see holding resentment as holding us in the past.
Also I see from the post I quoted, i feel that you may need to do a lot of forgiving yourself too
Im not saying this is easy, just necessary, and Im currently working on trying to figure out how to forgive myself...and my dad.
The past cannot be changed, the future hasnt happened yet, all we have is this moment.
I know this isnt what you were looking for and im sure others may become upset but in my opinion, resentment holds us in the past and in no way am I excusing anything...def not excusing abuse but I feel that resentment in any form holds us right there, in the time and space in the past and we need to learn to let it go...speaking to myself as well.
Not sure that helps any, just my opinion from someone that is also struggling to forgive. :hug:
Last edited:
- Moderator
- #20
Sideways
VIP Member
@Bloomy - grief is one of those things that I've read about as part of the healing process of trauma. Intellectual part of my head made a note to include grief & mourning on my checklist of recovery tasks...but I think it might be sitting on the list for a while because I've got no idea how to make it happen. There appears to be no Grief Switch that I can flick on to get that ball rolling. Dang.
@Sandstone - I see what you're getting at, & it's not gonn be a walk in the park kind of process. But language is powerful. Resentment can be overwhelming, but I think it can be tempered with new perspective (she was frightened) & language that allows some flexibilty - she did the laundry, but she happened to be an aggressive mole the way she hung it out. Same with "NO justification". Actually, it was perfectly justified, and the damage is valid, but I'm choosing to see the situation differently now..?
@Sandstone - I see what you're getting at, & it's not gonn be a walk in the park kind of process. But language is powerful. Resentment can be overwhelming, but I think it can be tempered with new perspective (she was frightened) & language that allows some flexibilty - she did the laundry, but she happened to be an aggressive mole the way she hung it out. Same with "NO justification". Actually, it was perfectly justified, and the damage is valid, but I'm choosing to see the situation differently now..?
- Post starter
- #21
Ah no, this has all turned into it's entirely my fault for being bitter and twisted, and in any case everyone else had it worse. I know that is true, I know the abuses and assaults I experienced were all at the minor end of the spectrum, but however unreasonable it s of me I still carry pain.
I guess the consensus is that I am just making making a fuss and don't deserve help, as usual. maybe once enough people from enough places have said it I'll get my act together. Sorry.
I'm out.
I guess the consensus is that I am just making making a fuss and don't deserve help, as usual. maybe once enough people from enough places have said it I'll get my act together. Sorry.
I'm out.
Well in my experience, I've had an easier time focusing on smaller things than bigger things, as far as emotionally reacting. So this could sometimes come across as being unreasonable, when I'm not able to figure out the connection (or may not even be aware that there is a connection). So not sure if maybe there is some sort of underlying connection for you, as well, OP.
Like for example, I had some experiences when I was younger that I didn't feel angry at my mother for in the moment. Like when I tried to tell outsiders about the abuse, and she intimidated and shamed me into silence, telling me I was a liar. Then a few years later, I jokingly called her a liar when she said something unbelievable sounding, I said it in a tone of, "No way, that sounds crazy!" and she backhanded me very hard out of nowhere and growled at me to never call her a liar.
Crap like that was overwhelming to me in the moments they happened, but by the time I was a teenager, it had formed subconscious connections. I became hyper-sensitive to any signs that someone might not believe me, or that they had double-standards, and I would sometimes cause a whole bunch of fuss and drama over nothing, or at least very trivial little things. But in my mind, I was really battling a mother, in a moment where she betrayed me very deeply, and so on. I didn't realize it then, though.
SO not sure if maybe that was part of what was going on with you back then? Was there some deeper significance to your mother seeming indifferent to the situation, maybe something else that it reminded of you, that stirred up feelings of being unloved?
Like for example, I had some experiences when I was younger that I didn't feel angry at my mother for in the moment. Like when I tried to tell outsiders about the abuse, and she intimidated and shamed me into silence, telling me I was a liar. Then a few years later, I jokingly called her a liar when she said something unbelievable sounding, I said it in a tone of, "No way, that sounds crazy!" and she backhanded me very hard out of nowhere and growled at me to never call her a liar.
Crap like that was overwhelming to me in the moments they happened, but by the time I was a teenager, it had formed subconscious connections. I became hyper-sensitive to any signs that someone might not believe me, or that they had double-standards, and I would sometimes cause a whole bunch of fuss and drama over nothing, or at least very trivial little things. But in my mind, I was really battling a mother, in a moment where she betrayed me very deeply, and so on. I didn't realize it then, though.
SO not sure if maybe that was part of what was going on with you back then? Was there some deeper significance to your mother seeming indifferent to the situation, maybe something else that it reminded of you, that stirred up feelings of being unloved?
ladee
VIP Member
@Sandstone, I am sorry if you feel anyone here blamed you. That is not what I read anywhere, nor were we minimizing your feelings. You asked for opinions, and we gave them to you. I hope you get back to therapy soon and are able to share with your T about this. Sending you hugs, nonetheless.
lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
Whom said that? Just speaking for myself, that was no where near the intent of my reply...of course you deserve help...everyone deserves help (also speaking to myself as I dont feel I deserve anything good and deserve everything bad).
I will repeat to you as I did to someone else on here, abuse is abuse is abuse...and shouldnt be compared. For all I know, you may carry more pain than I and my therapist calls my past "horrible" (his word, not mine) so I try not to compare traumas or pain.
And I appologize if my reply came across that way if it did. I wasnt saying that you shouldnt have pain, I was saying you probably shouldnt look for reasons to resent as, in my opinion, resentment makes you stuck in the past and in the pain and forgiveness, in my opinion, desolves resentment over time and with it the pain.
Forgiveness isnt easy, but, in my opinion, is a necessary step.
Also, I am not, at all, excusing abuse. But forgiving our abusers are for us anyway, not for them. It helps to set us free. :hug:
- Status
Similar posts
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
