LeiaFlower
Confident
I’m trying to work on processing things more. So if it seems like I’m spam posting I do apologize.
If my inner critic wasn’t loud before the loss of multiple friendships, it definitely is now. In the span of two years I lost seven friends, though that number doesn’t include the relationships I built while in my parent’s religion that I no longer have after I decided I didn’t want to be in it anymore. Nor does it include this one friend that I put distance between because of her codependency, though I guess since I struggle with codependency as well it feels like I’m playing the victim by including another friendship that ended due to my codependency. I’m sorry for getting side track I think I’ll just put the number to eight friendships with the inclusion of the one I left.
I know that number doesn’t seem like a lot but it was to me, and it’s disheartening that all besides one was a relationship that lasted no more than a year.
One friendship was a childhood friendship that I met through my parent’s religion. Despite me knowing them longer I didn’t necessarily feel a lot of grief when it ended. I saw it coming as an excuse to finally get out. In the past I taken a break from them because every time I needed them to be there as a friend they would stop talking to me for months. My childhood was when the worst of the abuse was happening, and even though when I met them by then some of the sexual abuse was over I still had to deal with the emotional, physical, and spiritual abuse in my household. Not to mention still having to visit sexually abusive family members on occasion. I mention this because there was many times I would beg to hang out with them to escape my home life and there would always be an excuse. However, later I found through social media that with their other friends they’d hang out on the days and times they said they were busy with other things. So I stepped back. It wasn’t until they messaged me apologizing for the past and wanting a fresh start that I allowed them back into my life. Only for when I told them about the abuse I went through as a kid and no longer wanting to be a part of my parent’s religion, that they stated they didn’t see how we could be friends when I don’t believe in the religion anymore.
There was a lot of anger after this, that I buried due constantly being told as kid that anger is wrong. But this as well as the way the other friendships ended makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong on my end. I asked my sister and she told me the reason is due to me being manipulative and selfish. In the past my sister and didn’t have the best relationship. She and my other sister would exclude me and continuously remind me that I was unwanted in the family. In the past she also called me annoying, inconsiderate, obnoxious, spoiled, clingy, and would say derogatory words about how she perceived me as being gay.
I say say all of this not to play the victim. It’s just hard not believe any of this to be true when I keep having friends leaving. And one of the close friends I had, who were also friends with my sister, agreed with her and said I was toxic, clingy, manipulative, and inconsiderate.
I asked my sister how I can improve things and she told me she didn’t want a relationship with me because she felt trapped. I did ask what I can do to improve things and everything she listed I already do and more. I don’t come to her about making plans to hang out anymore, I allow her to come to me. I don’t ask her for help anymore because she tells me that it’s inconvenient for her and I always have bad timing. And even then the other day I went over there to play games with her, after she invited me, and she said I was being passive aggressive. Even though our other friend was joking and doing the exact same thing but with them she laughed.
I do apologize for this being so long. I don’t know if I should dive into the reason every friendship ended because I’m unsure if the length is too long for a post and I should instead move this to the trauma diary forum. I just don’t know what to do in my relationships anymore. Everything I’m learning from therapy about being assertive and setting boundaries are being perceived with negative connotations. I state what I feel and why I feel this way, not to force someone to do what I want, but to express myself and it’s perceived as being manipulative. I express boundaries with my other family members and I’m becoming selfish. I wasn’t happy being a people pleaser in my family. However, once I tried breaking away from that my friends and family are telling me I’m manipulate selfish and inconsiderate.
If my inner critic wasn’t loud before the loss of multiple friendships, it definitely is now. In the span of two years I lost seven friends, though that number doesn’t include the relationships I built while in my parent’s religion that I no longer have after I decided I didn’t want to be in it anymore. Nor does it include this one friend that I put distance between because of her codependency, though I guess since I struggle with codependency as well it feels like I’m playing the victim by including another friendship that ended due to my codependency. I’m sorry for getting side track I think I’ll just put the number to eight friendships with the inclusion of the one I left.
I know that number doesn’t seem like a lot but it was to me, and it’s disheartening that all besides one was a relationship that lasted no more than a year.
One friendship was a childhood friendship that I met through my parent’s religion. Despite me knowing them longer I didn’t necessarily feel a lot of grief when it ended. I saw it coming as an excuse to finally get out. In the past I taken a break from them because every time I needed them to be there as a friend they would stop talking to me for months. My childhood was when the worst of the abuse was happening, and even though when I met them by then some of the sexual abuse was over I still had to deal with the emotional, physical, and spiritual abuse in my household. Not to mention still having to visit sexually abusive family members on occasion. I mention this because there was many times I would beg to hang out with them to escape my home life and there would always be an excuse. However, later I found through social media that with their other friends they’d hang out on the days and times they said they were busy with other things. So I stepped back. It wasn’t until they messaged me apologizing for the past and wanting a fresh start that I allowed them back into my life. Only for when I told them about the abuse I went through as a kid and no longer wanting to be a part of my parent’s religion, that they stated they didn’t see how we could be friends when I don’t believe in the religion anymore.
There was a lot of anger after this, that I buried due constantly being told as kid that anger is wrong. But this as well as the way the other friendships ended makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong on my end. I asked my sister and she told me the reason is due to me being manipulative and selfish. In the past my sister and didn’t have the best relationship. She and my other sister would exclude me and continuously remind me that I was unwanted in the family. In the past she also called me annoying, inconsiderate, obnoxious, spoiled, clingy, and would say derogatory words about how she perceived me as being gay.
I say say all of this not to play the victim. It’s just hard not believe any of this to be true when I keep having friends leaving. And one of the close friends I had, who were also friends with my sister, agreed with her and said I was toxic, clingy, manipulative, and inconsiderate.
I asked my sister how I can improve things and she told me she didn’t want a relationship with me because she felt trapped. I did ask what I can do to improve things and everything she listed I already do and more. I don’t come to her about making plans to hang out anymore, I allow her to come to me. I don’t ask her for help anymore because she tells me that it’s inconvenient for her and I always have bad timing. And even then the other day I went over there to play games with her, after she invited me, and she said I was being passive aggressive. Even though our other friend was joking and doing the exact same thing but with them she laughed.
I do apologize for this being so long. I don’t know if I should dive into the reason every friendship ended because I’m unsure if the length is too long for a post and I should instead move this to the trauma diary forum. I just don’t know what to do in my relationships anymore. Everything I’m learning from therapy about being assertive and setting boundaries are being perceived with negative connotations. I state what I feel and why I feel this way, not to force someone to do what I want, but to express myself and it’s perceived as being manipulative. I express boundaries with my other family members and I’m becoming selfish. I wasn’t happy being a people pleaser in my family. However, once I tried breaking away from that my friends and family are telling me I’m manipulate selfish and inconsiderate.
