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Am I the reason everyone leaves?

LeiaFlower

Confident
I’m trying to work on processing things more. So if it seems like I’m spam posting I do apologize.

If my inner critic wasn’t loud before the loss of multiple friendships, it definitely is now. In the span of two years I lost seven friends, though that number doesn’t include the relationships I built while in my parent’s religion that I no longer have after I decided I didn’t want to be in it anymore. Nor does it include this one friend that I put distance between because of her codependency, though I guess since I struggle with codependency as well it feels like I’m playing the victim by including another friendship that ended due to my codependency. I’m sorry for getting side track I think I’ll just put the number to eight friendships with the inclusion of the one I left.

I know that number doesn’t seem like a lot but it was to me, and it’s disheartening that all besides one was a relationship that lasted no more than a year.

One friendship was a childhood friendship that I met through my parent’s religion. Despite me knowing them longer I didn’t necessarily feel a lot of grief when it ended. I saw it coming as an excuse to finally get out. In the past I taken a break from them because every time I needed them to be there as a friend they would stop talking to me for months. My childhood was when the worst of the abuse was happening, and even though when I met them by then some of the sexual abuse was over I still had to deal with the emotional, physical, and spiritual abuse in my household. Not to mention still having to visit sexually abusive family members on occasion. I mention this because there was many times I would beg to hang out with them to escape my home life and there would always be an excuse. However, later I found through social media that with their other friends they’d hang out on the days and times they said they were busy with other things. So I stepped back. It wasn’t until they messaged me apologizing for the past and wanting a fresh start that I allowed them back into my life. Only for when I told them about the abuse I went through as a kid and no longer wanting to be a part of my parent’s religion, that they stated they didn’t see how we could be friends when I don’t believe in the religion anymore.

There was a lot of anger after this, that I buried due constantly being told as kid that anger is wrong. But this as well as the way the other friendships ended makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong on my end. I asked my sister and she told me the reason is due to me being manipulative and selfish. In the past my sister and didn’t have the best relationship. She and my other sister would exclude me and continuously remind me that I was unwanted in the family. In the past she also called me annoying, inconsiderate, obnoxious, spoiled, clingy, and would say derogatory words about how she perceived me as being gay.

I say say all of this not to play the victim. It’s just hard not believe any of this to be true when I keep having friends leaving. And one of the close friends I had, who were also friends with my sister, agreed with her and said I was toxic, clingy, manipulative, and inconsiderate.

I asked my sister how I can improve things and she told me she didn’t want a relationship with me because she felt trapped. I did ask what I can do to improve things and everything she listed I already do and more. I don’t come to her about making plans to hang out anymore, I allow her to come to me. I don’t ask her for help anymore because she tells me that it’s inconvenient for her and I always have bad timing. And even then the other day I went over there to play games with her, after she invited me, and she said I was being passive aggressive. Even though our other friend was joking and doing the exact same thing but with them she laughed.

I do apologize for this being so long. I don’t know if I should dive into the reason every friendship ended because I’m unsure if the length is too long for a post and I should instead move this to the trauma diary forum. I just don’t know what to do in my relationships anymore. Everything I’m learning from therapy about being assertive and setting boundaries are being perceived with negative connotations. I state what I feel and why I feel this way, not to force someone to do what I want, but to express myself and it’s perceived as being manipulative. I express boundaries with my other family members and I’m becoming selfish. I wasn’t happy being a people pleaser in my family. However, once I tried breaking away from that my friends and family are telling me I’m manipulate selfish and inconsiderate.
 
I don't know your situation to fully say, but what I can say, and from my experience, is that if we try and behave differently (like you being assertive and putting new boundaries in place), people who don't respect those things will push against them. Particularly family if they have been abusive or just not supportive.
So it's then tricky to try and work relationships and how you are in them, if you are using abusive relationships as a marker.

I can't remember your age? And you don't need to say obliviously. But I do wonder if friendships change as we grow up and older. And some friendships just naturally end.
I.e friendships I've had where people became parents and I didn't: changed a lot and we barely see each other.
Because we go in different directions.

The things people are accusing you off: do they give you examples rather than throwing words around like 'toxic'?
 
The things people are accusing you off: do they give you examples rather than throwing words around like 'toxic'?
My sister stated that her feeling trapped is when I would ask her to do things for instance me asking for help with my makeup. Or I choose inconvenient times to ask to hang out. I tried explaining that with the makeup it’s not due to me not entirely not knowing what I’m doing but wanting to spend time with her. She says I need to learn to be more independent and brought up the time I asked her for help setting up her gaming system in my room. I tried to explain that it wasn’t due to a lack of independence but due to having too much to do and a friend visiting and I just wanted help. Even during that time I stated multiple times that she doesn’t need to help and I’ll figure it out if she’s busy. But it still was taken the wrong way. It feels like, not saying it’s always the case, when I do reach out for help it’s perceived negatively as me being childish (something she stated I was in the past) or lacking independence.

She brought up how I made her feel obligated to hang out when I invited two of her friends over when I stated not only to her but them as well that she in fact will not be there. I invited them because I became really close to one of her friends and I wanted to hang out more independently. Something she has done and is still doing with a former friend of mine.

She stated that I was manipulative with my friend by stating I had feelings for them. Though when my former friend who’s she close with stated having feelings for her best friend my sister encouraged her and was happy about the potential relationship.

I tried to ask for me examples on ways I was toxic, manipulative, or other things she said towards her or others. And she started saying “I’m the problem. I’m comfortable being the asshole here. I don’t want to have this conversation anymore. I’m more comfortable with people thinking I’m the asshole so they can move on.” I stated that I wasn’t attacking her nor did mean to upset her. But she didn’t want to talk about any of it anymore. So I genuinely don’t know what to do on my end. She stated rather talking about things in person but the last time I tried bringing up a similar topic she did the same thing.
 
She stated that I was manipulative with my friend by stating I had feelings for them.
Sometimes - people don't want to have you be doing better than them - or happier than them. It is a form of abuse - putting you down and saying "you don't deserve it".

Guess what though - you do deserve it..............
 
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