Relentless Flashback

[ShodokanJenn]

I was seven. L had just finished raping me. I was bleeding profusely, and I begged him to stop. He said he hadn't had a chance to "finish" yet. Told me to open my mouth. I did so. He tried to force his penis into my mouth but my teeth were scraping him. He punched me in the side of the head and said "Wider, bitch," I started to cry. I could barely breathe. I couldn't open my mouth any wider. L grabbed my lower jaw and teeth and yanked my mouth open, HARD. I heard ripping, popping, and crunching. I had no control over my lower jaw at all. He finished himself off in my mouth. When he was finished, I ran to the bathroom to brush my teeth and get rid of the nasty taste. I couldn't close my mouth; it just hung there, open. The sides of my jaw were an angry mixture of purple and red. I was in agony. While I was in the bathroom, I heard L&K talking. "What were you thinking? She goes back to her dad's in two weeks. He's going to know something happened." L came in, knelt on the floor, and took me by the shoulders. "If someone asks you what happened to your face, say you were wrestling with the boys. If you say anything different, you will never see your mom again." It was over a week before I could close my mouth all the way. Eating was excruciating; I lived mostly off of milk and juice. Since that day, I have been utterly terrified of dentists. When I had braces, they'd have me take 2 MG of ativan before coming in. Even that didn't really help. Now, I have not been to a dentist since May of 2006. I know I need to go but the terror wins over logic everytime. I've got a big unsightly cavity on one of my front teeth (thankfully it does not hurt, just looks really bad.) I can't summon the courage to go.

I don't even want to post this. But if even one other person can say "Me too, I'm terrified of the dentist," then it's worth sharing.

 

[Sideways]

I'm not gonna make up some bogus dental story to try and make you feel better...but I can still relate. I'm phobic of any kind of physical examination. When I had to get a tumour in my liver scanned, I was barely walking from all the valium they'd given me, but my T still had to come in and help hold me down because it required lifting my shirt to expose my belly & I was hysterical in the true sense of the word.

That was over 2 years ago, & I still remember the look of horror on the radiologists face when he finished and I ran from the building screaming. My T came and found me curled up in a ball, hiding behind a bench seat outside, sobbing uncontrollably.

This trauma history eats into our lives in so many ways. The only good thing to come of that liver scan was that I could walk away saying "I did it". My abuser has taken a lot of things from me, but we claw back our humanity and our dignity every time we face a fear that they have engrained into us.

Thoughts are with you. It won't be easy, but you'll do it. What they did is not going to stop you doing this for yourself, no matter how frightening it is.

 

[Kefira]

Dental fear/anxiety is really common in abuse survivors. More dentists are aware of this in recent years, here's an faq from one organization. http://www.dentalfear.com/santos.asp

I've had some success asking to always see the same team of tech/hygienist/dentist and being very clear about what will help me. My team knows to keep my chair as upright as possible, to let me know if someone else will be coming into the room, and to talk to me if they have to be out of my line of sight. I use a blanket and music and have a sign for when I need a break.

 

[Stickler]

I hate dentists...not only was I abused, I saw one of those "old school" dentists as a child...as in, all my fillings were done without novocaine. I was just told " oh, that doesn't hurt so bad! " while I was clawing the chair arms in agony.

 

[joeylittle]

But if even one other person can say "Me too, I'm terrified of the dentist," then it's worth sharing.

I'm terrified of the dentist. I haven't been to one, except to get a wisdom tooth pulled (when it was cracking apart in my mouth) in 2008. And before that, I don't believe I'd seen one since 2000.

One side of my jaw is collapsed from my trauma - and that makes the dentist painful as well as memory-inducing. Also, the sounds. No-one hurt me with drills, but some of the sounds remind me of some of the electrical equipment they had. And the chair. I believe I am completely trapped and immobilized when I'm in that chair.

I know my other wisdom teeth have cavities. But the other thing I discovered I can't stand is the process of being numbed out. When they pulled my wisdom tooth, they didn't want to put me all the way under, they just used local. Being tipped back in the chair, while my tongue started going numb and it seeming like it was slipping backwards into my mouth, choking me....that caused screaming and flailing. It was a real mess until they knocked me out.

I hate the dentist.

 

[Mafia_Science]

Your story made me cringe. Sorry you had to go through that. I hate going to the dentist. I'm ok with it while I'm there, but when they touch my neck or something I just get all nervous and get the creepy crawlies on my skin and tense up.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I don't even want to post this. But if even one other person can say "Me too, I'm terrified of the dentist," then it's worth sharing.

ME TOO! :hug:

I 'wasnt allowed' to brush my teeth and due to 'my job' i am terrified of most Drs but i havent been to a dentist in years. My back left lower wisdom tooth is down into my gum and most of my teeth are rotting from the inside out. I am not quite 35, have had 8 teeth, back ones, removed and will likely need dentures soon as i cant afford crowns.

Me too, me too, me too!

 

[Riot]

"Liking" this just as a show of support. I completely understand the fear of dental work. I too have an unsightly cavity or two (and both are non painful) but they should be attended to before they're worse. Hang in there.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I hate the dentist.

Me too! God, i honestly thought i was the only one that had flashbacks with their 'tools', the chair, the closeness w/ my mouth....

 

[lostforgottensoul]

More dentists are aware of this in recent years,

Maybe in recent yrs but the last one i went to was disgusted that my teeth were so bad and when i lowered my head and said in a quiet voice "i wasnt allowed to brush my teeth growing up" the f*cker laughed, and did so the entire time! I wanted to f*cking punch him!

I miss the dentist i had in the other State I lived in. He used to be a child dentist, reminds me of my current therapist, he was so sweet, so easy to talk to, and he knew, without me telling him, that abuse happened. He actually asked "did your parents teach you how to properly brush" and i said "no, i wasnt really supposed to"...i was in denial so i wasnt gonna just out right say it anyway but he caught on and so he sat there with dummy teeth for like an hour teaching me how to brush my teeth amd floss. Its sad that i had to learn that way but awesome at the same time. The only one i didnt mind going to as if i freaked out, he stopped, let me 'recover' and start again...but every other one were assholes!

I wanna try the new one on tv called The Denist In Jeans, and he's open on Sat and i believe later in the day. He seems nice on tv anyway.

 

[desiderata310]

*just nods*

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Ragdoll Circus that was sweet of your therapist! I wish mine could be with me. The only time i did that was with my therapist during EMDR but thats only cuz im so f*cking good at dissocisating.

Before i had my pain pump put in on 11/11/15, it was a few months before, i was having a neutostimlator trial. My pain dr had made it seem like two probes going staight in your back, NO, it was 2 probes, being placed by something like a small tube, he had to take that small tube from the bottom of my back all the way up and i had to be awake the whole time so i could tell him where i felt the pain so he didnt hit a nerve, i jad a local or something, though i had an exray above me and on either side.

To get through it i dissociated back there again, it was all happening again, it took 5 nurses and the dr the scream at me to ask me which leg was hurting cuz he got stuck and couldnt figure out what he was stuck on, and it still took me like 5 or 8 mins to come out of it. And then after words it still took a while before i was back to reality. My pain dr doesnt know and so he's like "WTF is wrong with you?"

When i curled in my therapist office i was screaming but not crying, i dont cry...but the one tear that came recently and that was weird...