Where Would I Be If....

[lostforgottensoul]

Does anyone ever wonder where they would be today if their trauma didnt happen? My therapist said once "Wow, the things you could have become, the places you could have gone, if just you didnt grow up with demented parents". And ive been thinking about that recently. Like would I have gone to college given the chance? What sort of career would I have chosen? Would I be married and have children (since if it didnt happen I would be able to)? Would I not have ever touched drugs or done any SI? Where would I be today if I wasnt struggling and fighting with this?

Does anyone think of that? Is it even good to think that way? It does make me mad that it happened and my therapist says I need to get mad, I need to get enraged...AT THEM!

I guess its good that Im feeling SOMETHING about it, instead of being so seperated from it and numb to it but is it ok to think 'what if'? Maybe its my way of being angry at them, as opposed to myself, maybe its my way to be angry at them for what they took from me.

Its hard to be angry at them. Is this maybe a first step in that? How do others see this?

 

[twinkle30]

It's not healthy to think that way. I could sit here and go "what would have happened if I had not been diagnosed with schizophrenia?" Believe I have been there and I have played that game and it gets you no where. Instead think what can I do now to make sure the rest of my life isn't miserable. What are some pro active steps I could take.
Your therapist doesn't sound very professional and that's a stupid statement for someone to make.

 

[oasis2003]

Acceptance in the moment

 

[Sideways]

Urgh! Unhelpful! For all I know, some other looney would've stepped in & done an even better job than my abuser.

There is, never was, and never will be, a version of my life that doesn't include my trauma.

The question "what if..." is only helpful to me in the context of "what if I decided to do anything I wanted with my life starting today..."

 

[Gadgie]

Aye! I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had took the other path that day, twenty odd years ago?

Also, what would the rest of my life would have been like, if that brick hadn't been thrown through our window, that day a few years back.

As that is what triggered my brain to open that file inside it, and let all the documents out, (well, thats the way the therapist explained it to me on our first session)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

that's a stupid statement for someone to make.

No its not, you'd have to put it in context of the conversation...we were talking about my past and it was before blame shifted, when i carried all the blame and he was trying to get me angry at them instead of at myself.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

As that is what triggered my brain to open that file inside it, and let all the documents out, (well, thats the way the therapist explained it to me on our first session)

Was that a good thing or a bad thing?

I think what a lot have missed in the thread is im trying to now shift anger, if i can see what THEY took from me instead of what I took from me, maybe i can start to shift anger to them and off me.

That was the whole point of it all.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

The question "what if..." is only helpful to me in the context of "what if I decided to do anything I wanted with my life starting today..."

Right, I get that but how do you shift the anger towards the abusers? Now that blame has shifted, anger hasnt...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Acceptance in the moment

I get that but theres no way in hell that i can accept not being able to control my own brain and them still having the controls to it....

Everything, absolutly everything is automatic and THATS pissing me off but i have no clue how to change it.

 

[Sideways]

LFS - give yourself some credit, hey? You've nailed blame? Phwoar, that's no small fries. 35 years your head has held onto the blame because it was too unsafe to point it elsewhere.

Anger will come. In the meantime, bring out the half-time refreshments for your head because it's just annihilated the opposition in the first half:tup:

 

[scout86]

My T has asked me to consider the same thing. I'm not totally sure why, yet, but I'm sure there's a good reason.

@lostforgottensoul , there's nothing saying you can't go to college yet, or have a family. You're not exactly old. It's perfectly ok to come up with a plan for the rest of your life and work at going for it.

 

[Sideways]

@scout86 - yes yes yes...and before you say it LFS, there's more than one way to start a family in the 21st century. We may never be King of the World, but we are still entitled to dream big:)