Chaoticmind
Bronze Member
Hello all. I will try to make this as short as possible. 23 year old who is about to graduate with a bachelors who wants to become a guidance counselor. The irony in this is, I probably have more problems than the people I plan on helping do. I'm leaving out lots of details because this would just be way too long if I included everything.
Age 9, raped by my neighbors son that came to visit during the summers. At age 12, I began cutting and was very suicidal and put on medications. Up until the age of 17 I was on anti depressants and went to about 5 different therapist. Once college started, I was finally in a good place, new friends, also lost 30 lbs (my weight is a constant struggle). Two months into that, I find out my recent ex boyfriend has committed suicide. After dealing with that, again, found myself in a good place, joined a sorority and had a great support group, kept myself very busy. Through that, I began to experience the world of clubbing, electronic music, and lots of new drugs. I began taking Molly on a fairly regular basis ontop of my 3-4x a week drinking habits. During all this, I met my (now ex) boyfriend who introduced me to cocaine. Our entire relationship was based on doing lines in his room numerous times a week. He then got me pregnant and I had to get an abortion. I was broke, my friends dropped me, and all I cared about was getting high. I cleaned up my act for a bit and got my friends back, got back involved in my sorority. Electronic music still played a huge roll in my life. Sorority sisters and I went to a big music festival together. They've all done Molly before but this day decided not to and I was the only one. As soon as I took it, I felt sick. I had no control over my body (including my bladder), my hearing and vison were going, and everything was spinning as I was shaking uncontrollably. My sisters decided to leave me to enjoy the rest of the festival. An EMS found me and rushed me to the medical tent where they tried helping me but I needed further care. I was then rushed to an ER where I began to flatline. Even though I had no control over my body and couldn't talk, I was able to hear everything around me, the doctors talking about my condition, preparing my death certificate, my heart monitor going in and out, and so on. Thankfully, these amazing doctors were able to stabilize me. When I went home the next day, the depression set in that all these girls are not my real friends, how badly I messed up, how I should be dead right now. My parents caught on that I was suicidal and decided to hospitalize me.
So now, here I am. Ever since that overdose incident, my anxiety is out of control. I of course do not touch drugs anymore but still like to occasionally drink. As soon as I begin to drink, I get very dizzy and light headed and my anxiety and panic start up. Every night before bed, I get flashbacks to myself in the ER basically dead. Ever since this, I have not been able to live a normal life. This event is now coming up again in 2 months. I want to go with my new group of friends and enjoy the music and have fun but I'm already having panic attacks at the thought of being there.
I've gone through so many obsticales in my life. Every time I think I'm finally in a good place, I take 5 steps back. So this is me, this is my chaotic mind.
Age 9, raped by my neighbors son that came to visit during the summers. At age 12, I began cutting and was very suicidal and put on medications. Up until the age of 17 I was on anti depressants and went to about 5 different therapist. Once college started, I was finally in a good place, new friends, also lost 30 lbs (my weight is a constant struggle). Two months into that, I find out my recent ex boyfriend has committed suicide. After dealing with that, again, found myself in a good place, joined a sorority and had a great support group, kept myself very busy. Through that, I began to experience the world of clubbing, electronic music, and lots of new drugs. I began taking Molly on a fairly regular basis ontop of my 3-4x a week drinking habits. During all this, I met my (now ex) boyfriend who introduced me to cocaine. Our entire relationship was based on doing lines in his room numerous times a week. He then got me pregnant and I had to get an abortion. I was broke, my friends dropped me, and all I cared about was getting high. I cleaned up my act for a bit and got my friends back, got back involved in my sorority. Electronic music still played a huge roll in my life. Sorority sisters and I went to a big music festival together. They've all done Molly before but this day decided not to and I was the only one. As soon as I took it, I felt sick. I had no control over my body (including my bladder), my hearing and vison were going, and everything was spinning as I was shaking uncontrollably. My sisters decided to leave me to enjoy the rest of the festival. An EMS found me and rushed me to the medical tent where they tried helping me but I needed further care. I was then rushed to an ER where I began to flatline. Even though I had no control over my body and couldn't talk, I was able to hear everything around me, the doctors talking about my condition, preparing my death certificate, my heart monitor going in and out, and so on. Thankfully, these amazing doctors were able to stabilize me. When I went home the next day, the depression set in that all these girls are not my real friends, how badly I messed up, how I should be dead right now. My parents caught on that I was suicidal and decided to hospitalize me.
So now, here I am. Ever since that overdose incident, my anxiety is out of control. I of course do not touch drugs anymore but still like to occasionally drink. As soon as I begin to drink, I get very dizzy and light headed and my anxiety and panic start up. Every night before bed, I get flashbacks to myself in the ER basically dead. Ever since this, I have not been able to live a normal life. This event is now coming up again in 2 months. I want to go with my new group of friends and enjoy the music and have fun but I'm already having panic attacks at the thought of being there.
I've gone through so many obsticales in my life. Every time I think I'm finally in a good place, I take 5 steps back. So this is me, this is my chaotic mind.
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