How To Continue Living Like This?

[CaitMiller]

I'm not even sure what I'm doing here. I feel like reading the post in this particular forum has made me a bit more depressed, since I am VERY sensitive & empathetic- I feel other people's pain.

In my opinion, being depressed and not suicidal is harder than actually being suicidal. Because with suicide there is an end to your pain, when you just want to die but you don't want to physically kill yourself you have no clue when that pain is going to end. I feel like my life has been on big shit show for me. It will make one hell of a movie one day, but as for now how do I make it through the day?

The "friends" I make are needy which is why I assume I am friends with them, I love helping others. But once their pain is gone, they leave. No one is here to help me. I go from child abuse to rape to being hated by my mother (because I refuse to deny the abuse) and neglected by my Father who I am sure didn't want kids in the first place. I married my Mother, so to speak, so my husband makes me more depressed than ever. One person I thought will finally love me doesn't.
And it's hard to get out of bed. And it's hard to stop drinking. And anytime I get the guts to leave I reminded by my Mother I have no place to go. I mean, you can't live with a person that you're divorcing, I've tried...the situation was so painful I ended up checking myself into a hospital just to escape the pain (something I would never recommend or do again). I just need answers.
In an ideal world the abused, the depressed, the hurt would receive more love than others, yet in this world we are the most shunned. How do we live like this?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

How do we live like this?

One day at a time sweetie!

There is a great thread about this site increasing symptoms if you'd like the link but if you feel triggered or cant handle a thread, stop reading. You need to protect yourself and your mental abilities on the site. Dont feel like you must read and respond to everything.

:hug: if you accept!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

How do we live like this?

One day, one moment, one second at a time and looking for even the tiniest glimmers of hope along the way and reminding ourselves of these when things are really tough.

I feel like reading the post in this particular forum has made me a bit more depressed, since I am VERY sensitive & empathetic- I feel other people's pain.

I am that way, too. I have to be very careful. I am drawn toward reading the stories of others because I feel less alone, but I can also get quite triggered by it. I work really hard to not get too drawn in and to offer support when I can, but also remember that I need to take care of myself as well. I really like the threads that focus on symptoms and questions or situations I can relate to.

 

[joeylittle]

with suicide there is an end to your pain,

I find this to be the most common mistake people make, when they think about suicide. It's not an end to pain. It's an end to all things.

As living people, we generally experience the end of pain as some kind of relief. But you have to be alive to feel the relief. When you kill yourself, everything stops. There's no relief - there's just dying, which is an incredibly painful process nearly all of the time. So, the concept of 'death as relief' is really, really something we make up as a way to find an escape.

And yes, it is often impossible to see how to live as you are, with things as they are, and the pain of it can get to be unbearable.

But you can always choose to try and find a real way to relieve that pain. Even one brief tiny tiny moment of distraction can create a tiny, tiny moment of relief. And you hold onto that understanding that there can be relief, and you attack all the things that stand between you and it. This is also hard, because when we are lowest is when we feel weakest.

In an ideal world the abused, the depressed, the hurt would receive more love than others, yet in this world we are the most shunned.

This isn't a truth, it's the way you experience the world right now. even if you can turn this into 'Right now, I think that I'm alone, shunned - and that makes me feel hopeless and deeply sad. But that's only right now.' - and stop your mind from reaching back to your evidence for how it's always been like that, and stop your mind from reaching forward to how many steps are between here and that future that you don't know how to believe in - turn your mind away from those things, and do something that can give you some smidgen of immediate love.

This is where pets are really awesome.

Just my thoughts, as a person who fights with this stuff a lot, too.

 

[CaitMiller]

I have a TON of experience with trying to commit suicide and I personally (as well as many other people) feel like suicide is a way out from pain. It's obvious that suicide is a way out from life itself, but not everybody has something to live for.
My dog brings sunshine to my life, but other than that I don't have loving parents to run to, I don't have family I can talk to, hell I don't even have friends that treat me the way I treat them. I know I have a purpose on this Earth and that is to help people, but what good am I to others when I can't even help myself? I'm sure one day I'll be happy but I have had a severely miserable life. If you saw it played out in a movie you'll feel bad for the main character.
I don't need ideas on how to cope with how depressing my life is nor what suicide is or isn't. What I TRULY need is someone to tell me is, Hey I've been there (or someone I know has been there) and I feel your pain but you will make it through. I need someone to tell me HOW to make it through this. That's what I really need.

 

[joeylittle]

What I TRULY need is someone to tell me is, Hey I've been there (or someone I know has been there) and I feel your pain but you will make it through.

I'm sorry - i didn't mean to come off lecture-y. What I wrote is pretty much how I talk to myself about it. I don't have family, relationship, support system, etc. It's a struggle to even believe that my cats like me - I identify with so much of what you are saying. So, all I can say is that how I deal with it is I counteract those inner voices that tell me I'll feel better if I die. That's all. For me, it's a very cognitive way of pushing through. I also can say to myself, if I'm so desperate to do it now, why don't I wait til tomorrow. If I'm really intent, then these feelings won't shift. Personally, I know I'm always better emotionally in the morning, so I can count on being just a little less-bad.

So, that's how I cope with not knowing how to be alive anymore.

 

[Recovery4Me]

don't need ideas on how to cope with how depressing my life is nor what suicide is or isn't. What I TRULY need is someone to tell me is, Hey I've been there (or someone I know has been there) and I feel your pain but you will make it through. I need someone to tell me HOW to make it through this. That's what I really need.

Wow. OK. You asked...
Me, a member of AA in grateful recovery. HOW you make it through this...first step =stop the drinking and the depression will slow down. There is a darn link between the two. Go to meetings, go to rehab to get away... choose a way but do it. If you do not get sober... the rest tends not to work.

Many of us have been where you are at. It is not a special club to feel like $hit, been raped, tortured, abused, in a bad relationship, face death, witness death, being shot at, disease, anger, to have immense and searing pain. So over 20,000 of the board's members are living proof that it CAN be done. Tip: When you reach out... perhaps do not bite the hand that comes to shoulder your need set.

It takes two...for a dialog. Thank you for clarifying what you needed. Sorry you are in pain. Recover among us and heal.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

What I TRULY need is someone to tell me is, Hey I've been there (or someone I know has been there) and I feel your pain but you will make it through. I need someone to tell me HOW to make it through this. That's what I really need.

I think that's kind of what my response was. I can't tell you the specifics of how I make it through each day, moment, or second because it's different depending on what's going on for me during the really tough spells. And sometimes it seems like the tough spell will NEVER end. I have family, I have some friends, I have kids, and it still doesn't make it any easier for me. I still feel just as alone when I am with as when I am actually alone- that's what this stuff does to you. It feeds on telling you lies.

And I truly do look for the tiniest glimmers of hope like yesterday, my cat came up to lay by my back and she didn't knead (with claws out) and scratch my head before she settled down. Just comforting cat next to me- just what I needed. Sometimes it is cloud formed a certain way in the sky or a phrase someone has told me or a quote. I collect what I can, write down what I can, and remember them when I can. Does it take away that feeling of wanting to die because of the pain for it? Yes. Forever? No.

but I have had a severely miserable life. If you saw it played out in a movie you'll feel bad for the main character.

I like that you re-stated what you wanted in your response post, though I still stick with what I said because it's what I do. However, this statement made it feel like you were both angry and wanting others to know how horrible you've had it. This isn't a contest. You are correct, if you played out your life in a movie, I would feel bad for the main character. I'd cry, I be angered, I would long for justice, and I would long for a happy ending. I don't even need to know the details of your story, I just know where you are. You're on a forum for people with PTSD and those that support them. So I gently ask you to remember that and remind you many people's lives on here have been severely miserable, but that's not the point here- to compare misery- how can people compare misery? The point is you are reaching out for help and support and we're offering it in whatever way we know how.

 

[CaitMiller]

@joeylittle I'm SO sorry. I was having a horrible week, and just really didn't want to deal with life any more- I REALLY didn't mean to be that rude. I promise that is not how I usually am. I'm so sorry you also deal with these feelings and I wish you luck with feeling this way less and less each day. I can respect that you have a system for yourself, I'm sure that helps more than freaking and figuring it out last minute (which is what I have a tendency to do at times). I thank you so much for sharing your personal thoughts & feelings with me and message me any time you feel this way. SO sorry again!!!! :/

 

[CaitMiller]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve thank you so much for your response!! I'm so sorry I never replied, I feel terrible. I was having SUCH a horrid week, as you can understand. First of all thank you for expressing your personal emotions, I know that's not always easy but I appreciate that you did it solely to help me out with mine. Next, I'm so sorry that you also feel this way. It can be very hard, like you said, trying to help others while trying to help yourself. But that being said I would not mind at all if you ever sent me a message whenever you felt down, I love being emotionally available for others! I am SO glad you have a pet to bring joy to your life! I have had my pup for 6 years now & I don't think I would have made it without her. She is truly my little furball of sunshine! ^-^

Lastly, though I appreciate the input others give me I don't HAVE to appreciate everything that is said to me. I was in a dark place and I'm not the kind of person that deals well with "tough love". Looking back at Joey's response with a more clear head I can see that I was just really upset at the time. I don't need to be lectured on how to react to others. I am grown. I get everyone else has had it hard, I have never tried (& never will try to) compare & contrast my life with another's- it's silly. My point with the "movie character" was that people often feel so terribly for a protagonist in a movie, but when it's real life & someone is down people like to tell the person that their feelings or reactions are wrong. Rather than feeling empathy they want to correct them. That's not fair. I have already apologized to JoeyLittle and I don't feel like I need to apologize to anyone else, my attack was towards him & I've already acknowledged that though I was offended my defensive demeanor was still very unfair.

 

[CaitMiller]

@Recovery4Me just like I said in the response above this one... I felt offended, my mind was not in the right place, so I attacked. I have since then apologized and seen my wrong doing. I am a very intelligent grown woman, I truly don't need anyone's input on how I react to a situation. I'm not an alcoholic so I don't need AA, I drink maybe once every other month (and that's when I am severely depressed).
I've never expressed to anyone that I am the only person in the world who's ever been suicidal or depressed, etc. but if a person know's anything about suicide he/she should know not to respond aggressively to someone thinking about suicide, it's not helpful whatsoever.

 

[Recovery4Me]

my attack was towards him

Tip...when you click the profiles...most of the time the gender is offered. So....just so you know, JoeyLittle is female.