Relationship Relationship Shutdown

[AmaniF]

My boyfriend completely shut down on me the other day. He had been keeping what was happening to him away from me and suddenly wanted to end the relationship saying he had been detaching for a while but was telling himself it would get better.

He has shut out all of his friends and family and now me. He also deactivate all of his social media (facebook, instagram, and etc). I'm not sure what to do or how to help, I love him very much and he says he doesn't want to hurt me or feel like he's playing with my feelings even though he insists that he loves me.

Our relationship is a bit long distance as I'm finishing up school in the next 2 months and I'm moving to where he is. He told me he is taking meds and that the VA has set him up to see a psychiatrist.

He doesn't want his mom, other family or friends to know anything but he disappears and won't answer his phone. I know relationships are stressful but I told him I'm not going anywhere and he tells me not to hurt myself (my feelings/heart) trying to be there for him but he still in returns responds thanks.

How do I help? What do I do? My emotions feel so wrecked because I don't know what to think. When I'm there he's fine but when I'm gone it's another story.....please help

 

[joeylittle]

How long have you and he been together?

 

[Seasounds]

Joeylittle has a good approach.

I can understand how you would be concerned due to the changes. I'm sorry for your pain.

Being partners with someone with PTSD can be a challenge, where sometimes you don't know the depth or time frame that they need during their 'isolation' phase (during that time they can be concentrating on rebuilding safety, decreasing responsibilities and communications-to decrease stresses), before or if they reconnect.

It is a good sign that your Vet is in touch with a psychiatrist, and on meds. It would indicate he is getting treatment.

If you think it is unlike him, to seek treatment and you may suspect him having motives of ending his life, to be on the safe side, ?you could call and ask the VA what action you should take.?

If he is fearful of the intimacy of your closer relationship, after you finish school, you could pose this question to him, and respect his needs. And you could offer him to call you if he wants to, and (so you aren't in wait of his healing) you can go ahead and live your life,

...while you daily remind yourself you are a terrific and caring person, and let his fear and isolation be about him.

Hope you surround yourself with good friendships, and supportive people.

 

[AmaniF]

How long have you and he been together?

We've been close friends for 10 yrs so I know him pretty well but we've been in a relationship close to 6 months

 

[AmaniF]

Joeylittle has a good approach.

I can understand how you would be concerned due to the changes. I'm sorr...

All of this is new to me and I really feel hit with it all at once especially since he's been keeping it from me hoping to himself that it would get better but I don't think he contemplates hurting himself Lord I hope not. He did say he doesn't trust anyone and being suspicious of ppl, that he's afraid to sleep due to the nightmares so now he's an insomniac and if he was sleeping and anyone would wake him up he would start fighting as if he were being attacking. With treatment will he get better?

 

[joeylittle]

we've been in a relationship close to 6 months

This is a point in time where relationships often break down, regardless of PTSD. That's just something to keep in mind.

When I'm there he's fine but when I'm gone it's another story.....please help

When you're there he appears to be fine. You might not actually know whether he is or not.

Given how green your relationship is, I would respect the space he's asking for, re-cast yourself as a friend, and not a girlfriend, take all the romantic relationship pressure away, and let him know you are happy to listen if he needs to talk about stuff. I'm a sufferer, not a supporter - I'm sure supporters will have much better wisdom/experience; I'm only talking from my own angle.

 

[AmaniF]

This is a point in time where relationships often break down, regardless of PTSD. That's just someth...

I think you're right, he called me today and told me he appreciates me for being there for him but he can't give me what I need as a boyfriend because of these phases. He says he doesn't feel the meds are working. He doesn't like being around people but he has been seeing the psychiatrist and forcing himself to get out of the house with his mentor. I told him don't want to add any pressure and give any expectations about a relationship because if he doesn't get better it'll never be a relationship or a future. Thanks for the advice