I'm So Angry At My Shrink

[toetoe]

@sugnim
Find your anger. Work up your assertivness and tell that bi*ch off. Tell her you want a refund for your session since you had to listen to her issues.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I'm so sorry for the uneducated response from your therapist. I, for one, know I would have been better off raised by two loving mothers than the abusive heterosexual couple I was stuck with.

 

[Sandstone]

(except needing a male role model...why? Loving, caring, supportive parents x2. I 'spose we demonise single parents while we're at it??).

Replying to this only because if @Ragdoll Circus heard what I said like that then @sugnim may have done too and I don't want to add any unnecessary pressure by phrasing things badly. I believe children need role models of how to be all sorts of adults. If my friends hadn't represented a cross section of all the people around us, then my kids childhoods would have been more limited. Certainly, if I was raising them now, when I can't manage any sort of social contact at all, they would have suffered as a result. That would come very high on my list of things to resolve through therapy.

Having been a single parent, I'm not inclined to demonise them, or anyone else who works hard on loving their children. And since my children's father is married to a man, I have more than theoretical knowledge that you can be of any orientation and still be a good parent. He and I may have gone our separate ways, but I observe that now he living honestly he is a good, involved, supportive and caring parent.

 

[Sideways]

@Sandstone - got it:). Based on your other thread, you sound like you've done a damn fine job of raising your kids. The contemporary family comes in all shapes & sizes these days:D

 

[Lucycat]

I felt trapped on her couch, wanting to tell her off and walk out, but feeling that she would judge me as a failure for not effectively dealing with the anger issues I originally went to her to discuss.

Were these really her opinions or was she playing 'devil's advocate' to try and elicit an angry reaction? Just wondering if she had a strategy....

 

[Ronin]

Thing is @Lucycat 'devil's advocate' doesn't work with 'minority' issues, as it ends up hurtful regardless of how it's 'meant', because it's just repeating the same messages society's spouting at people ad nauseam Every. Goddamn. Day.

 

[barefoot]

I agree with @Cashew...playing devil's advocate/trying to deliberately provoke an emotional response eg anger by using homophobic and racist discrimination is incredibly misguided, in my opinion.

Plus, if that is really what the therapist was doing, I cannot fathom why she would let the session close without clarifying that that's what she'd been doing. A client leave feeling completely, negatively judged having been on the receiving end of a personal attack. If the therapist really didn't mean it, she surely would have wanted to be clear about that?

I know some therapists might sometimes adopt provocative tactics to shake things up a bit/to make a point and, of course, the OP knows her therapist/their relationship/the context much more than we do and perhaps she thinks this might be the case. But, if that is what the therapist was doing here, I think that's a huge misjudgement on her part. I don't ultimately see how launching an attack on a client's sexual orientation, relationship/parenting choices and the racial mix in their family etc is ever going to be fully in service to a client.

 

[Lucycat]

I cannot fathom why she would let the session close without clarifying that that's what she'd been doing.

Fair point! I was just trying to find an alternative perspective. I guess there isn't one.

 

[barefoot]

I was just trying to find an alternative perspective

I know you were - sorry, I didn't mean to have a go at you, so hope it didn't come across that way! I'm just so furious about this on the OP's behalf, so I'm sorry if I sounded too grr! :)

 

[Ronin]

I was just trying to find an alternative perspective.

Yep understood and appreciated, mused aloud about the situation not that your take on it is unwelcome.

(Aware your response was to Barefoot, just wanted to clarify since I reacted on your message prior as well in a tone that could be read harsh/dismissive.)

 

[formicism]

Yesterday, my shrink spent about 15 minutes talking about how my son needs a male role model to show him...

I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this (I skimmed the other responses), but it sounds like this therapist is NOT a good fit. You have every right to be outraged and upset about what you were told, and if possible, I'd start looking for a different therapist ASAP. Even if your resources or location make it difficult to find someone LGBT and POC-friendly, it sounds like being in therapy with someone who disapproves of or judges you for any of the basic facts of your life will likely do more harm than good.

The therapeutic relationship has to be based on trust. This therapist disclosed something that has made her untrustworthy (from what I understand!), and it seems like you'd be best off just finding someone else. I and many others in the forums have labored with therapists who just weren't right, and it's exhausting and unproductive-- the therapist should not be creating NEW problems for you to have to grapple with emotionally, nor should she BE a problem. There's a major difference between a T helping someone uncover underlying issues of their own and a T making offensive statements that create a new issue and present a breach of trust or empathy. The former is healthy and part of the process, but the latter, in my opinion, is not something you should be expected to put up with.

I had a session like that once, with a psychiatrist. I sat there in angry shock for twenty minutes as he rattled on and on, waiting for the session to end so that I could get the heck out of there. Later, when I told my social worker about the situation, she pointed out something that I didn't realize was possible: she said that whatever the situation, if it feels wrong or unsafe, I have the right to leave without explaining myself. It was a good point, though perhaps one that ignores the reality that most of us are afraid of giving our 'iatrists and 'ologists the impression that we're running away from our problems. But maybe it doesn't matter what they think, if they've revealed themselves to have opinions that are impossible to respect.

 

[City Slicker]

That sounds like a 'mother-effer' of all therapeutic alliance ruptures. It really stinks.

Alliance ruptures can occur over all kinds of things - I believe it's the therapist's responsibility to acknowledge the rupture by active listening and checking in with the client- but the fact that she doesn't seem to know it even happened is a major red flag right there.

I am hoping with time, you will sort out the best course of action for you @sugnim