Passionate Hatred Of Ptsd

[ladee]

This could have gone under three different subjects, anxiety, depression and dissociation... So sense I am in panic mode right now... doesn't even matter, I am so scattered right now....

All of this because of a stupid job I don't even want.... long story short, it has been a paper chase for me from day one... we need xyz.. ok, got xyz, oh, you can't start until April... deep sigh..

Was already depressed, a really dark one this time... disassociated a lot during that time... would see someone 'liked' a comment I made... hmm, went back and read, don't even remember posting that... and on it goes....

In the meantime, I am staying in contact with the Director... nothing she can do about the delay of THEM getting it together,contracted work, and once and for all telling me I also need FUC to go with xyz.... oh, then why wasn't I told at the beginning of everything I needed....?????

Keeping in mind, I am in and out of reality, trying not to self hate myself to death, and get all this crap together....

Last time I talked with contractor, was told I yet needed more paper work.... Ok, my stress cup is already overflowing.....and I am getting pissed... Anger is how I deal with crap like this.... not saying it works, just saying that is what is going on inside...

So the final interview is set up for today....Went to the place I keep all my paperwork, for anything, and it's not there !!! That pile of papers to get this stupid job I don't even really want.Gone. I have turned this house upside down, looked in my car... nothing.... so I am getting more and more anxious....

Then :stop:, just :stop:!!!!! Called the contractor, told I would reschedule the interview when I find all the paperwork... and the whole time I am wanting to scream that PTSD steals things from me... steals time and memories.... that my hands are shaking over something so simple as finding a pile of papers...

Growth here tho.... I am not hating on myself, not beating myself over the head, not ready to go jump off any bridges.... I am just passionately hating PTSD.... I hate that I have it... I hate that everyone here has it, I hate what it does to our lives.. to our hard worked for sanity....I hate it's randomness... I just HATE PTSD....

So it's all cancelled for now.... no big deal... they have had me on hold about this for MONTHS... a few days won't matter one way or the other...

I calmed myself down... did some grounding... a lot of breathing.... trying to not let the monkey voices be heard....

This may make no sense at all... like huge areas of my life, but I had to get it out....

But also wondering who else just HATES PTSD...... I would send hugs, but I think sweaty, shaky hugs are not necessary .....

 

[lostforgottensoul]

PTSD sucks but you, you were able to stop the spinning thoughts, reschedule the interview until you can find the papers and I bet they are in plain sight. Thats how it works for me, I tear up the house to look and it was right there in front of me the while time.

That was awesome that you could stop at that moment and reschedule, that process my dear ladee, thats progress!

f*ck PTSD right? Be mad at it, hit it...im just glad you arent mad at you! And though not necessary im giving BIG :hug:s anyway cuz thats how I roll lol!

I'll be ok, you'll get the job, you'll love it even if you dont think you will cuz you wont be isolated and working makes you feel like you arent as usueless as you think you are or feel you are (speaking for myself here...im am in no way nor would i call you useless) and it will all be ok! Ok more :hug:s just cuz!

 

[Bloomy]

I also hate the darn ptsd for same reason as you described above.
Was recently in a job I hated and it cost me to much. No matter how much I need and want to work I realise a shit job like that would bring me more down then what I can stand to carry as the load is allready to heavy. And the thing about memory and where stuff is - arrrghh!! Had to make some phonecalls and get attest from prewious work places as I didnt take care to get it when I where supposed to.

Hope it relived you to write the post Ladee. And I hope you can get a job that doesnt cause you to trip out. We deserve better.

Ill take the sweaty hug and send one back do not so sweaty :hug:

 

[ladee]

thanks @lostforgottensoul , I need the grounding hugs for sure.... and yes the papers are here.... I do not feel I am PTSD anymore, it is this nasty dirty bag of symptoms that go where ever I go... And I really really do not want this job... for reasons....
I am happy and content to be home doing my art and sculpting.... THAT is what I need to be doing !!! Instead of thinking I HAVE to follow the status quo to survive..... thanks again for the hugs.

 

[ladee]

Thanks for the hug @Bloomy. I just need to make some decisions.... and follow thru.... stress is stress is stress... right? I haven't gotten to the bottom of why I will not allow myself to do what I love.... needing a Therapist too, no one in the area takes SS... but still looking....
I can use this as a learning time, or a time to let PTSD win, again... I'm more inclined to the learning....
As much as it sucks, glad to know I am not alone... hugs back to you... not sweaty at the moment:rolleyes:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

For me, working outside of the house keeps me from fully self isolating and it makes me feel like im contributing at least a little in society, that im not a complete failure; you know? So for me, staying able to work has been a huge part of my therapy and my therpist brings it up often.

Im an artist too @ladee so I get the sculpting, I do, and I dont know if you self isolate but if you do, working is a great way to get out there and meet new people. It helps me anyway.

Dont work to meet a status quo or because "thats what everyone is supposed to do"; work for you, for your therapy.

Either way @ladee its all ok. :hug:

 

[ladee]

Thanks for the input @lostforgottensoul , but have recently retired.... so the working thing was supposed to be done for me... I don't isolate when I am not in depression, which I just got to the other side of....feel like I put in my time for working a job... I do understand your position.. don't think I ever really thought about it the way you do... just know it was a matter of survival.... so, like I said... I have GOT to take some time and see what do I want to do, then do it..
This whole job thing has had one obstacle after the other attached to it.. I did tell the Director that sometimes that is a sign that its just not meant to be....don't even care today....
I will get focused... I will tell PTSD to kiss my ass, and I will be happy working... somewhere... thanks again.

 

[barefoot]

Maybe not finding the papers and putting a hold on the interview was a thing that was somehow meant to be in order to make something happen...? And I'm really not generally a person to say "ah, well...if xyz, then it just wasn't meant to be..." And I actually find it really annoying when people use the fate/not meant to be line on me! But I do get a sense that something has intervened here to keep you at a distance from this job that you clearly don't want at all.

Yes, you went into anxiety/panic mode about not finding the papers (and it sounds like you were already rattled by being messed around by them in this whole process - and for a job you don't even want anyway. All understandable). But I think it's great that you took charge - you decided to put a hold on the interview and it will now be rescheduled and then you get to decide what you want to do about it at that point.

I don't know any context around this apart from what's in this thread - do you have to get a job right now if you would rather be at home doing your art/sculpting? And, if yes, does it have to be this particular job? Or could you look for something that you actively want to do (or at least want to do more than this job?)

I'm currently going for a job (one I want!) and the impact of PTSD is certainly rearing it's head in this whole process. A different scenario to yours - main thing for me is that I just can't seem to get my brain to work. So I'm trying to prep for this presentation I need to deliver next week and everything's just falling out of my head. I know I can do this. Because I know I have done similar things - and more difficult things - successfully in the past. PTSD is making me feel stupid at the moment. And I'm really trying to keep reminding myself that I'm not stupid. So...as I said, a different scenario...but I do understand that PTSD brings a whole new aspect to these kinds of processes.

We're getting there...we are... :-)

 

[ladee]

@barefoot, thanks for the post.....and thanks for reminding me, as others have, that i put a stop to the craziness. The powers that be, in this hiring process, do not need to know why....
Yes, I need extra income. My SS is not enough to live on....
Setting here thinking about some of this, one thing that comes to mind, is that I had been self employed for almost 25 years... and with my attitude toward 'authority', I now see that having to answer to someone else is a bigger deal than I thought it was...
I can still be self employed, I just need to find something that my body can do also.... that many years of caregiving has taken it's toll on my body.... but I realized too, that I am feeling that so many of the people around me in real life are really pushing for me to get this job.... I am a tad old to be doing oppositional behavior here.... !!!
And I have said NO, I don't want this job, but am people pleasing???? That makes me want to throw up !!!:spitdummy:

So thank you for your support and your reply... and hope your brain starts to work and you will do very well indeed if you get past this part.... especially if you really want the job.... strange how some of the feelings are the same, coming from two different directions... but thanks for taking the time to give me more avenues to pursue in finding my root cause of all this turmoil, that I own, I put myself in.... :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I can still be self employed, I just need to find something that my body can do also.... that many years of caregiving has taken it's toll on my body.

Why not sell your sculptures?

A met a guy that does kareokee in the VFW and when my dad and I went once he talked to me (big thing for me) and he hand makes acrylic mouth pieces of nicotine vaporizers and they are BEUTIFUL and all unique and he makes a killing off that.

I appologize if you've already tried. Was just thinking something you already do and could make money at it.

 

[The Albatross]

Ladee... if you don't want the job, don't take the job. What is the reason, you think, that so many people are pushing you to get this one?

 

[Kailani]

I'm with you!!! Fricken PTSD!!!! Try so hard to get your but kicked again cuz u just want to ignore the hell you've been through. It sucks!!! Want the best for you and all on here!!