I just recently was diagnosed, after seeking treatment that I have needed for at least the last 5 years. Memorial day of 2011, my best friend shot himself in the head. If not traumatic enough, I was in the room when he did so. His entire family was in the house, Fiancee, 2 daughters, Step daughter, Son, and his daughters had friends over for a sleep over. He and I had been drinking off and on all day, had a cookout, normal memorial day activities. Nothing seemed terribly out of the ordinary.
We were drinking, listening to music, as we had on so many other nights, then the next thing I know, there was a bang. I turn around to see my friend laying on the floor. I went over, because for some reason my mind thought it was some sort of huge joke, no idea why I would think someone would joke about such a thing. I just remember standing above him telling him to "stop playing", and when I realized he was not, my first instinct was to run as far and as fast as I could.
I decided against it, I went and had to wake his fiancee up from the couch. I told her she needed to call the ambulance as he had shot himself. The ambulance and police came, I had to help his children and his childrens friends out the side door, so that they wouldn't have to see anything. I took on a huge responsibility, they said it would be easier if it was someone they knew helping. I couldn't say no, as I had known them all since birth. Long story short, I never properly dealt with it, it didn't truly sink in what had happened for a long while.
Flash forward, drinking problems, anger issues, outbursts. I was just in a year long relationship with a fantastic and caring woman who, had just had enough. Emotional distancing, the drinking, the anger. When she met me, it was a more hopeful time, I don't know why, but the symptoms had subsided a bit. We ended up moving in together, I got a stressful promotion at work, and that is when things started to go downhill. They say you always hurt the ones you love, never has a more accurate statement been made. She became the target of every outpouring of emotion that I had.
The ex is a psychiatric nurse, and was fully informed of what I went through. I have to imagine she had at least a bit of an idea of what sort of condition I was dealing with. After a particularly bad night, she suggested that I could stay if I sought counseling. I made an attempt, but no one would take my insurance at the time, and without a diagnosis, no one would even attempt. I called multiple offices, and kept getting shot down, it ruined my hope for the situation
She forgave and things went on, we moved into a new house ( more stress), things steadily got worse. I started having a terrible time staying asleep, of course blaming it on her. I'm not proud of the way I treated someone who only wanted me to get better for our future, but the sad fact is that I did many terrible things. I never abused her physically, but I had many an angry outburst. She has kept in contact since the breakup, telling me how proud she is of me for finally getting into treatment, and that all she ever wanted was to see me healthy and happy. I have an appointment tomorrow with the therapist, and we will begin working on official treatment. That brings us up to date.
We were drinking, listening to music, as we had on so many other nights, then the next thing I know, there was a bang. I turn around to see my friend laying on the floor. I went over, because for some reason my mind thought it was some sort of huge joke, no idea why I would think someone would joke about such a thing. I just remember standing above him telling him to "stop playing", and when I realized he was not, my first instinct was to run as far and as fast as I could.
I decided against it, I went and had to wake his fiancee up from the couch. I told her she needed to call the ambulance as he had shot himself. The ambulance and police came, I had to help his children and his childrens friends out the side door, so that they wouldn't have to see anything. I took on a huge responsibility, they said it would be easier if it was someone they knew helping. I couldn't say no, as I had known them all since birth. Long story short, I never properly dealt with it, it didn't truly sink in what had happened for a long while.
Flash forward, drinking problems, anger issues, outbursts. I was just in a year long relationship with a fantastic and caring woman who, had just had enough. Emotional distancing, the drinking, the anger. When she met me, it was a more hopeful time, I don't know why, but the symptoms had subsided a bit. We ended up moving in together, I got a stressful promotion at work, and that is when things started to go downhill. They say you always hurt the ones you love, never has a more accurate statement been made. She became the target of every outpouring of emotion that I had.
The ex is a psychiatric nurse, and was fully informed of what I went through. I have to imagine she had at least a bit of an idea of what sort of condition I was dealing with. After a particularly bad night, she suggested that I could stay if I sought counseling. I made an attempt, but no one would take my insurance at the time, and without a diagnosis, no one would even attempt. I called multiple offices, and kept getting shot down, it ruined my hope for the situation
She forgave and things went on, we moved into a new house ( more stress), things steadily got worse. I started having a terrible time staying asleep, of course blaming it on her. I'm not proud of the way I treated someone who only wanted me to get better for our future, but the sad fact is that I did many terrible things. I never abused her physically, but I had many an angry outburst. She has kept in contact since the breakup, telling me how proud she is of me for finally getting into treatment, and that all she ever wanted was to see me healthy and happy. I have an appointment tomorrow with the therapist, and we will begin working on official treatment. That brings us up to date.
