I'm "too Hard"

[Zanshin]

@Ragdoll Circus I'm glad you're safe for the moment. I like Anthony's post on, quite literally, baby steps to heal.

As hard as it is to change core beliefs, you're not alone in this - look at everyone helping reinforce the good instead of the bad.

Be gentle to yourself, try... you may surprise yourself and like it...

 

[EveHarrington]

Guess what?

Your guinnea pig thinks you're simply awesome.

You feed her, you care for her, you love her. (Does it get any better than that?)

I really think that the opinion of your guinnea pig is by far more important than the opinion of your abusers. (Abusers deserve zero credibility.)

I know it's hard to erase those negative thoughts imprinted on your brain.

But, pets can be incredibly healing simply because they're honest and cannot lie.

Really, your guinnea pig appreciates all you do. (Take it from me. ;))

 

[anthony]

pets can be incredibly healing simply because they're honest and cannot lie

Yup... I love this about my dogs. They are seriously soothing to have around. Stressful during puppy stage, but soothing once beyond it. They don't judge, they don't criticise, they just have unconditional love to share and love tummy rubs.

 

[Sideways]

@anthony - ok, so that one hit a nerve and @The Albatross is on the money that it's probably not so bad we're having this convo while I'm in hospital because pretty much as soon as I got the image in my mind of my apartment covered with the message "I am free to feel good about myself" (difficult typing that out), I had to go outside and do some grounding.

If there's something more basic than that that I need to start with, I'm not sure what it would be. But surrounding myself with that message - that would be pretty scary. Like "world's starting to implode" scary...I guess that's probably exactly the response it's supposed to generate.

May need to consider easing myself into that concept a little slower...

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@Ragdoll Circus
The power of writing.
I can't express enough how much writing helps me. Not just on this forum but on the little note app and in various journals. They might even give you one in the hospital if you are allowed to have a pen or pencil. It makes you more aware of your thoughts and feelings and how things are working inside.
I'm gonna give an example and try not to focus so much on the details but the outcome.
I had just had one of those binges where I was aware of the motions but not tasting and feeling surprised when I reached to an empty pack of cookies and suddenly became aware of the pain in my stomach. I was thinking this mindfulness shit is for the birds and I was wasting my time.
I suddenly realized I was feeling very shameful and a thought popped in saying "I'm sorry"
Another thought attacked saying" damn right your sorry, a sorry sack of shit you fat pig blah blah on an on. The feeling of shame increased.
I said out loud to the negative thought like I would talk to a little kid "that kind of talk isn't nice and it isn't helping. " I actually felt the mean thought pause.
Now the shameful thought actually came to the defense of the mean thought saying "no he's right I am a fat pig " and went through the list. I felt so bad for that thought and just said " sometimes you just have to give yourself a break. You made a mistake is all. It will be okay as long as you are not so hard on yourself'
I felt this wonderful rush of gratitude and I realized what I just did was practice self compassion. For both the negative thought and the shameful thought.
It has only happened once so far but it was an insight.
Getting to know our thoughts is very important.

It is part of the process to understand why, where they came from and from who.
But at the end of the day they are now part of us all those thoughts make up who we are. They all need to be treated with respect and compassion and talked to lovingly like a small child who doesn't know any better but can learn.
I'm not saying this is easy. If you notice I did mention it only happened once but it felt so good, I want to experience it again.
Give yourself credit lady. You want better. That means somewhere inside, no matter how many hateful things you say to yourself , you know you deserve and can be better. Hugs ... Alice

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@anthony
My dog has been the best support anyone could ask for. He slept with me for months after I lost H. When I have nightmares or need to ground myself he is all too happy to curl next to me as I pet him or take him for a walk. He does make himself scarce when rage comes on. Not because I would ever hurt him, he just does like it but when I start crying my eyes out because once the rage passes that's where I go, he is right there.
He has his limits Besides rage he does not let me hold him feet up like a baby and rock him.
Our relationship is growing and deepening now it's just the two of us. He is not alpha but he knows I'm not totally either so we are redefining our roles. Of course we both know who has the power of holding the leash but we also both know who holds the power of cuteness and what a sucker I am for it.
It works for us and he is a blessing I'm grateful for.

 

[Powder]

Sounds like "feeling good" is a trigger right now.

Mine are state dependent. Some are quite tolerable if I'm well rested and having a good day. Other days, they are just horrible and upsetting, and I didn't track my state of mind as vulnerable.

Rather than focus on triggers and what you CAN'T do/handle, I suggest working on what makes you more RESILIENT to the Main Triggers.

And I agree with JoeyLittle to use "Thought Stopping" to train yourself not to dive down into every sink hole in your soul.

Why?

It doesn't do any good. Not avoidance or making a big deal of it, but no need to wallow either. You get it.

Maybe you have done all this and more, but for me this list is big:

1. Sleep is the main foundation of my functioning:
a. Time should be same every day to retire
b. nightime ritual the same
c. fan running
d. take meds earlier in evening as needed to prevent triggering in evening & subsequent nightmares

2. Food
a. eliminate allergies and digestive problem foods - stop inflicting self-torture via food
b. water sipping all day, Grapefruit juice is an excellent natural PTSD figher
c. Limit alcohol and caffeine to adjustable limited qty depending on feelings, carefully noted prior to imbibing with a set amount decided upon (fine tune)

3. Walk in afternoon daily

4. Routine and support is helpful and be ready for the exhaustion when the routine is disrupted, just expect it, even if things go extremely well that day.

5. Have a happy thing to look forward to during all difficulty. Reward yourself for the work. (I need to keep working on this one!) It works!

 

[Friday]

She went on to say that she has to keep in mind that if she thinks she can't help me, she has a duty of care not to continue on as my doctor.

Some people really just are that ethical... They can see you need help. They can see that they can't help you. They want you to get with someone who can help you. They believe it's unethical for them to keep treating someone they can't help.

If that is where she's coming from? Hopefully your T can point out that she IS helping you, by providing access to your T.

It's case-management style, help. Access, help. Not the help she's used to providing. But it's still help.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@Ragdoll Circus
I haven't read all the posts in this thread so I don't know if I am repeating anything or if I am way off base but here I go anyway.

The first thing you have to realize is depression, GAD, ADHD, OCD, BPD, eating disorders, a slew of phobias, dissociation "to a degree" Sleep disorders, IBS, stuttering, a great many auto immune diseases, substance addiction, and too many other ailments and "disorders" for me to mention are all SYMPTOMS of PTSD. So don't get caught in the trap of collecting acronyms describing symptoms like baseball cards. Not unless you are in that place I have been in myself many times. See how broken and damaged I am, see what they did to me, see how sorry I feel for myself because I've had to eat shit most of my life and it has poisoned me beyond repair.
No psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist or medical doctor is going to be able to fix you.

Only You can fix You. First you have to want it and that is hard when you don't know what you want instead. You only know what you don't want and who would you be if you were not broken, unfixable rag doll circus?

This is where courage comes in and You have to say ENOUGH.

Try to see what is out there for you. Can you go back to school? There is plenty of funding out there. You will not get fixed and suddenly things will get better. You have to drag your broken ass out there and TRY. Really try and make a commitment to yourself.
Decide that you will stop saying but this or that happened and was done to me and I made so many bad choices because ... Only you know the because and at the end of the day the because doesn't matter.
I am 57 years old and I was in my middle 40s before I started to change my life.
Guess what, it was good for a while and I stopped working on me so when the shit hit the fan and it will because that's life.
When the shit hit the fan, I was right back at square one.... Why, why, why, am I always the victim? Poor old me, I should have never trusted, I should have known it would end badly because that's all I deserve anyway. Bull f*ckin shit.... I gave all my power away, stopped working on me and ignored Robot when he was rolling around inside me shouting Danger Alice in Wonderland! Danger! Danger!
So I pick my old ass up and I start over Agian.

Decide what you want and don't be so hard on yourself. But please, give yourself a chance, the right people will come into your life when you do.

 

[anthony]

Like "world's starting to implode" scary...I guess that's probably exactly the response it's supposed to generate.

Yep, then by your own acknowledgement, that is the place to start. And yes, you can start with one piece in a prominent place, then add another in another room, repeat daily until you have one in every room, prominently placed so that you are forced to see and read it.

It works... it's that simple. Even for serious neat freaks, you print it out, you even stick a nice little frame around it if you need, you stick it perfectly if need be in a plastic envelope, so the taping is perfect... you can even use the plastic envelopes so you can change the message easily as you develop through them.

Sounds weird, but it truly does work when you're severely struggling to get beyond the basic negative beliefs. And based on your admissions here, you fit that scenario. So start at the basics with this... and you will find yourself changing your belief structure as the weeks go on with your more accurate, realistic, message in your face at home.

 

[Sideways]

@anthony - you're making some bold calls there, and it's pretty intimidating. But it's a rare event that someone says to me "this is gonna undo that brainwashing", and pretty sure you wouldn't keep plugging this strategy, knowing I'm sh!t scared, if you didn't have a lot of confidence in it.

So, scared & intimidated, when I get home, that's exactly what I'm gonna do. As Woody Harrelson would say, "It's time to nut up or

 

[Sideways]

...shut up"!