Just Keep Swimming

[Cavegirl]

I have another thread on the supporter forum. But, as I'm no longer in a supporter role, it's just me, figured I belong here now.

I'm starting to think that I just can't date. There is something in me that is broken. I don't understand the games and "the chase" and all that bullshit. If I like you, I'm going to text you. If I want to see you, I'll ask you out. WHY is this weird for guys? I read (extensively) online today about how to keep a man's interest while first talking/dating. Ugh. I'm doing it all wrong. I can't really argue much with them, since so far it has NOT worked out in my favor.

It seems like if I find a guy that I feel safe with, that doesn't have a problem with my kissing thing (I don't like deep wet probing kisses because I get triggered) and I actually find attractive and funny... I ruin it.

I feel like I do better as a person when I'm alone. When I'm talking to someone I like (so far just N**** last summer/fall, and a guy I'm talking to now, for the past 5 years) I'm so... up and down. (I'm under BiPolar watch by my psychiatrist, but my counselor doesn't agree with him. it's complicated) anyway, if it's going good, i'm like high. I'm UP. Talk fast, super good mood, I'm loud, everything is great. When I don't hear from him for over a day, then I'm down. Like sleep all day, ignore my studies, barely function down.

I KNOW this isn't healthy.

I think I just get overly excited when I actually like someone. I don't like people often. Plus I seem to attract a bunch of perverted losers that sexually objectify me which triggers my feelings of my worth being tied to my sexuality and then it drags me down. I actually took down my ads because I was tired of feeling anxious and gross when I get messages.

I feel like crawling in bed and staying there. I'm not up to social interactions anymore. They're exhausting. When I was hermitting (isolating when I lived alone) it was so nice. To just be. I know that's not healthy either but man it's so tempting.

I have school 3 days a week this term. That has actually been really hard on me. I didn't think it would be much different. but it really is. I get so anxious. In my chemistry lab (which is 3 hours) I get so anxious I sweat. I mean I SWEAT from my head. my hair gets wet,my forehead just drips. My safety goggles fog. It's so embarrassing. I bought a yoga headband thing to wear. it didn't seem to work last week very well. I still sweated on my lower forehead. It's like I need a full mask. I also bought some serious antifog for my goggles. Ill see if they work tomorrow.

Ugh. I'm getting by, but it's really been a struggle.

So much effort.

I know prince charming isn't going to save me. But it'd be nice to have a few hours of total distraction once a week.

 

[Riot]

I know prince charming isn't going to save me. But it'd be nice to have a few hours of total distraction once a week.

I completely understand and relate to that one!

 

[Cavegirl]

I can't tell if I'm slipping down the slope or floating away off of it.

My weekend has been... not good.

Was told by the guy I've been talking to K***** that he was out of town all weekend at a family funeral and he'd talk to me when he got home Sunday. Sucks, but ok. Saturday I had to drive my dad (about an hour away) to a funeral for his mom, my grandma. That was pretty hard and I had a really hard time focusing Saturday evening when I got home. I was supposed to be studying for a HUGE (third of my grade) exam in Chemistry tomorrow (Monday) and just couldn't focus. I kept thinking about my grandparents and how they're all gone. thinking about holidays when I was a kid and how they're gone.

Finally am picking myself up and I hear that my cousins wife (who has been in the hospital 3 weeks) passed away. She drank herself to death. I'm so upset. I'm so sad for my cousin and his 2 little girls. She was 27, he's 26. They've been married 7 years and the oldest is 6. The youngest turned 5 the day before her mom died. They don't have a mom anymore. Because of alcohol. She blew out her kidneys and liver. She had to have surgery 6 days ago to try and stitch together lesions that she had in her stomach. She was on liver and kidney dialysis. She needed a liver transplant and her mom and aunt were matches, she just had to make it 6 months sober after she got out of the hospital. Well she never made it out. She started bleeding from her stomach and they couldn't repair it and she bled to death.

27.

I've been sad and upset all day. I took TWO naps because I just couldn't... even be.

I never did hear from K**** either. Rat shit. I have been talking to someone that I REALLY shouldn't be talking to. I can't even talk to anyone about it because they'd all judge me.

Probably isn't the place to dump all this, but I need to get it out. (WARNING sexually explicit material ahead, STOP reading if you're triggered or don't want to read about it, also it talks about alternative lifestyles that might offend some people)



I'm on a kink website, it's not a dating site, just like a kink friendly facebook, I'm into domination, pain etc. I am friends on there with a guy that is a Sadist/Master (I'll refer to him as R****) and we have been chatting for maybe a year. Nothing dirty really, just talking about the lifestyle and my dating experiences etc. He's in an open marriage. Well, about 7 months ago I met some gal friends off that website and we hung out pretty regularly out at a swingers club for maybe 2 months. One wound up being his wife. She knew we were friends online, no biggie. She knew when he was having "friends" over for scenes (Bondage, S&M, whippings etc, not necessarily do they include intercourse) and I've seen her be with several guys in scenes, but also sex. I've also heard her complaining about how her husband is impotent.

I've also dated a guy off that website that I found out she had had sex with (kink community in our area is apparently really small!) HE told me how she confided in him about her husbands impotency and how they've tried pretty much everything there is to try to fix it unsuccessfully. As his friend I'm a bit uncomfortable with her talking about her husbands personal problems like that, but whatever, not my place to say anything. She also had a long term relationship with a "Daddy" that was linked on her profile, so i know they are both aware of each others play.

Anyway, she also had a Top. He was a 23 year old super hot stud that would whip/cane etc her at parties etc. Well, I'd never had an official experience like that and I'd become friendly with her Top (they didn't have a sexual relationship) and we flirted a lot online and it was all worked out that he's give me a session. So he did, it was at a party and she watched. Well he kept flirting with me online and I flirted back (of course I did, he is 15 years younger than me and is smoking hot) She got sort of mad at me for talking to him. She said she didn't want me taking advantage of him. I told her I had no intention of hurting him etc, and HE told me that I must've misunderstood her intentions because she doesn't care who he talks to. Well, on Halloween we all hung out at some kink events. And I talked to her again about my 'talking' to him. She said she was fine about it. I asked her if she'd tell me if she had a problem, she said yes. I made her promise. When I was leaving that night the 23yr old invited me to hang out... Long story short, I stayed the night with him. Next day, she freaked out on me. Cut me out of our Kik group and I was essentially cut off. No more friendship.

Fast forward a few months and I'm talking with her husband more often. We chat everyday now, and we have been pretty flirty and open etc. I told him that my I'm pretty sure his wife hates me and wouldn't be very pleased about him talking to me. He said not to worry about it and he would "deal with that later"

So... we haven't met in person. We've just chatted online. I'm so bummed he is in an open relationship. He is so smart and good looking and he is so... powerful and dominant, but so respectful to me. He is an experienced Dom and knows that I've never been officially trained as a sub. We have had some really good deep conversations. He knows I'm taking a break from playing. And he also knows that I don't date men in open relationships. Well... here's the thing. He makes videos for me, clips from different pornos that are things I have on my fetish list on fet and sets them to songs I like. Well, at the very end of one of them is a clip of an erection in a pair of boxer briefs. You can tell it's shot from a phone and very slowly to the music the waste band is pulled down but the video ends right before anything is shown. I was surprised. Was this him? Is it an old clip?? Didn't look impotent to me.

So... fast forward. I've seen several videos of him. Actually of HIM, and he even made me one of him finishing. I'm shocked. Did his impotency resolve in these past 5 months? Or was she LYING to people about it?! Or is he only impotent with her? which makes me cringe a little.

Today he asked to drive down to my town (hour south) and meet me for coffee this week. He refers to me as unicorn because I'm into things that he hasn't been allowed to do to other partners (face slapping is one of them, N**** slapped me a few times while I was giving him a bj, don't worry, I actually brought it up and asked him to do it) and I'm into transexual male to female etc..

I KNOW that this is a hornets nest that I'm walking around with a stick pondering whacking it. I know that it will most likely end up with me getting stung. But I don't really want to stop talking to him. And I am SOOOOO drawn to him and attracted to him. Ugh.

I was pretty good about keeping it... distant when I was talking with K****. You see, K**** is... he's single and available and open to getting married someday. He's AVAILABLE.

But today I was so down. And I was a bit disgruntled that K**** didn't text me when he got home like he said he would so I was more open with R****.

I am just lost. I realize that part of the attraction to R**** very well might be the fact that I'm not supposed to want him. Though I was attracted before I had met his wife. But I really really feel like being dominated right now. The total distraction from life that that offers is a powerful draw.

I just need a break. I NEED a distraction.

Please don't judge me, or tell me how I'm a bad person. If this all bothers you, stop reading my journal. But I know that there are a lot of people out there that use sex, and even specifically S&M to cope/distract. And those are the people that I'm sharing with.

 

[Cavegirl]

I have a lot of friends on fb etc that would miss me if I died... But don't seem to miss me now. I have literally not one friend I can talk to about things.

My "best" friend since 4th grade who is like my sister hasn't texted me back in months. I'm not in anyone's main circle. I'm an outlier.

Tonight I'm really feeling alone.

I think I'm plan B for K****. That sucks. There's tons of fish in the sea blah blah. Yeah. But why am I ALWAYS plan B or less? Why am I not ever plan A? I'm pretty, funny, smart etc. I don't put out right away anymore so why don't they respect me?

There's 2 guys off the link site that talk to me like I am GOLD. better than gold, gold is common. They talk to me all the time and are attentive etc. problem??? They're both poly and in open marriages. NOPE. I'll talk w them but I won't date them. I'll NEVER be plan A if I date someone that already has a plan A. Dumb. Why do THEY think I'm the greatest thing in the world? But single men don't??? Huh I guess they don't either really since they're married.


f*ck.


School is kicking my ass. I'm really struggling with math and chemistry. I just don't have enough hours in the day to comprehend it all. I'm scared.

PLUS I got triggered the other day by coming across pics online of what looked like kids. I blocked the person, but the damage was done.

I'm getting tired. I feel weak and alone. Like I'm not drowning yet, but I see it up ahead. Waiting for me.

 

[Cavegirl]

I am so tired of being broken.

The anti-fog stuff I got for my anxiety attack face/head sweating in chem lab etched droplet marks in my glasses. I had to buy new ones. Money I don't have, but I've been getting headaches everyday trying to see through my ruined glasses. I can't wait for them to get done.

I finally met K**** Wednesday. I was so nervous I sort of just shut down. I've never done this before I lost my shit a few years ago.He even brought up how quiet I was. Embarrassing. Way to show my personality. He didn't make a move, didn't kiss me. Didn't ask to see me again. We texted Wednesday when I got home, he asked me to text when I got home since I'm an hour drive away. he was being pretty flirty with me, so I wrote "Yeah? Wasn't sure you were thinking of me like that" and he replied "hell yeah. why did I think that?" he called me on the way home thursday but I missed his call, and we texted a few times later Thursday. He called me Friday (yesterday) on the way home from work and we had a good chat, talkative and flirty, but... nothing since then. Not a peep. No call on his way home from work today, I called him about 8pm and he didn't pick up. He hasn't mentioned another date, but has hinted at sexy stuff. Honestly I just don't think he's that into me. I put my ad back up on the big girl dating site. I've decided I'm not initiating talking to him again. In fact I think I'll change his name in my phone to "not that into you."

5 and a half weeks wasted. Stupid me thought he actually liked me since he hasn't tried to sleep with me. I guess he just isn't into me.

I have really been struggling symptom wise lately. sometimes 2 naps a day, days and days between showers, garbage piling up... I've noticed my inner dialog in my head is back. It's been hard to keep it from being negative. I've also had my throat constricting in public places again, and the compulsive fist making and finger grasping (i fidget with my fists closed if that makes sense) is back. So is my squeezing my eyes shut. And of course the ever present head sweat.

What must it be like to be normal? What must it be like to have a husband and a family? To not be alone. Completely f*cking alone.

 

[Cavegirl]

Monday I missed school.That's 2 lectures, a prelab assignment, a quiz and a lab. I also have Exams in both classes this coming Monday. Ugh. I could NOT crawl out of bed. Well, I did finally get up, but I was reallllllly overdue for a shower so I couldn't have gone without one. So, I just went back to bed.

My thyroid is within normal range, so my meds are working. My vitamin D level is still low, and I've been on prescription supplements for over 6 months. Now I take the weekly prescription AND daily. I have a sleep study on the 8th. I'm praying that my sleep apnea is back and I can get a cpap and get some energy back. I know what feeling down tired is, and this isn't always it. This mostly feels biological. It hits me everyday and sometimes I'm actually in a good mood. I'm not hiding from anything if that makes sense. Please God, let this be biological and easily fixed. My sleep doc says if it's not apnea, he's ran all sorts of weird test, (I had my blood gasses checked and did a breathing/lung assessment) it could just be "excessive daytime sleepiness" or some sh*t. And there are meds he can prescribe me... stimulants :O not excited about needing meds to stay awake. OR if it's something weird about how my body sleeps etc I might need sleep meds. I just want to feel better. Last time I felt like this was when we tried to wean me off Wellbutrin. But I'm back on it, and have been taking all my meds every day.

I talked with K**** Sunday about how I'm not used to chasing people and I wasn't going to pursue him anymore. He asked if he could do anything to help. to help? how about ask me out, ha ha. I said I read extensively online (I laughed at my not so scholarly sources) that if he was interested in me, he's ask me out, so I determined that he just wasn't that into me. He told me that I was wrong. I said ok, and we dropped it. kept texting about other stuff. Monday we texted back and forth pretty flirty, and Tuesday he called me on his way home from work and we had a great chat. A few hours later I texted him, said I'm just not the type of person to sit back passively waiting, and said that since I know his only day off Sunday is laundry day, I said I could come up and we could play dice while he's doing laundry if he wants company. Unless he'd rather hang out Saturday after work. NO response. NONE. I actually not that upset. It's almost funny. This is exactly what he did last time I asked him out. He didn't respond and ignored me for a few days. I don't know what his deal is. He's not a player, and he isn't sleeping with someone, I'm pretty sure he isn't seeing anyone else, so I don't know what is up. I know he's struggled with depression in the past. ! maybe he's socially awkward or isolating. I didn't really think of that. Honestly, I don't think whatever it is, has much to do with me, it's his issue. I'm not asking him out again. IF he ever contacts me again, I'm not even going to bring it up that I asked him.

I guess he's just destined to be my phone friend. Disappointing, he is cute (I was immediately drawn to him) and he's funny and a good guy. But it doesn't appear that he's in my plan.

What is my plan???? No husband? No kids? that sucks

 

[Cavegirl]

Today was complete ass.

So had an appointment with my advisor. Since I'm too broke to take A&P 231 and 232 this summer I won't have the series done by Winter term so I will be INELIGIBLE to apply for the 2017 nursing program. I'll have to wait a YEAR. I can't. I'm going to be 40. I have 3 years in the nursing program to get my bachelors, and then 2 more for my masters. I'm already going to be 46 when I graduate IF I get in the first time. I don't have a year to twiddle my thumbs. I need to be in school.

So, now I get to find a crappy job for the summer AND take Anatomy. I was really looking forward to a break. So, I charged my tuition on my credit card and the only class is ONE lecture and ONE lab from 6-9:50pm Tues and Thurs. That's late. Walking to my car will be scary at night.

$700 on my credit card that I don't have a job to pay for. I don't have a job to pay my bills either. That's what i needed my credit card for!

Oh, I get a week off. ONE week. And my class starts the day I was supposed to go on a family camping trip. NOPE. I don't get to go to that either. My family is literally all I have. And I don't even get a 3 day break of pure camping bliss with no worries. F*ck

So, K**** didn't call on his way home... again. So I thought, eff it... I'll text him, maybe he thinks I'm mad. I'm actually not. So, I sent a "Howdy" more friendly than just Hi, sort of playful. NO response. I guess he really isn't in to me.

LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!

This guy wrote me on fet (the kink site) and he's a Dom. Good looking, AWESOME body. Ripped. CRAZY great body, it's societially perfect. So, why is he writing my fat ass?

We chatted on Kik pretty much all evening yesterday. He is only into monogamous relationships, and didn't try to get me to talk dirty to him. I'm bad. I looked him up on facebook. Most of his profile was public. He told me he lives in a town about 40 miles from me. but according to his facebook he lives about 4 hours north of that. Uh... ok. Maybe it's not updated. Ok, his job is with a company. I look it up, he OWNS the company so it's not like he can pick up and move. WTF. The only possible situation I can foresee that isn't a bs lie is that he's expanding in this new town? Ugh. I think he's a liar. Why do people lie? Maybe he's catfishing me!!! HAHAHAHAHAH that would sort of be hysterical.

He is way out of my league anyway. WAY out of my league. Not just in body, but he's successful and I'm broke as crap and just a student that will be a broke ass student for 6 more years. I'm not exactly the best prospect right now. Plus he's fancy, fancy car, fancy apartment in downtown... I'm just not that girl.

I liked K****. I can feel my scowl on my face. Why didn't he like me? What's wrong with me that NOBODY wants me?! Seriously... It's like what happened when I was a kid broke me inside. And people can see it, and they run from me.

I think I'll change K****'s number in my phone to a fake number and delete his that's in there so I can't write him again but still have his texts if that makes sense. I don't want to be tempted to write him again. That would NOT be a good idea. I'm going to do that right now.

That didn't work. It just put the stupid phone number on my texts. I'm not ready to delete the texts. UGH. I deleted his contact completely and made his old phone number the emoji that is a big red X then a phone with the circle and cross through it repeated.

Please God give me the strength to leave him alone. I don't want to be a crazy.

 

[Cavegirl]

This weekend wasn't a total failure. I managed to reign in my crazy and NOT text K****. Yay me. I also only missed 0.667 of a point on my MTH111 exam. I wasn't so sucessful at studying for my chemistry exam tomorrow. I went through all the chapters, but i'm not very confident on the material. I should go thorugh my notes a few more times, but my brain is just fried.

Haven't managed to leave the apartment all weekend. Well, I take my dog out to go potty, but we don't walk anywhere. Maybe I'll go to bed early tonight, since I'm too lazy to study anymore. Trying to decide if I should go to my Math and Chem lectures tomorrow or skip them and study for my exam during lab. I didn't go all week to Math last week. I sort of feel like I should drag my ass there. I learn it all online anyway.

Ugh. I need a break so bad. I wish I could go to California and visit my oldest friend C*******. I've been friends with her since 4th grade. I haven't seen her since December of 2013. Oh, that's not true. She came up here in May 2014. Or 15? Huh. I can't remember. Crap, now I have to go look on fb. It was a year ago, so last May. I miss her. We don't talk like we used to. She has her life, and I have mine, but she is like my sister. We took family vacations together when I was a teen. \

I wish I could just throw some crap in my car on June 9th and gooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

My friend D***** that I dated in 2001-2002 for about 9 months, lost contact with for a few years, then talked every so often until 2013, when I found out he was getting a divorce, then we talked pretty much everyday (just as friends) since then. We "dated" again for a bit a month or so after I broke up with L***** in May of 2014, until August the same year, but he had way too much stuff going on in his life. At the time, his wife was still living there, in a different room, and the boys (now 5 & 9) slept with him. She was an alcoholic and he worked full time, supported them all, and did all the cooking and cleaning. Plus he was going to school full time at night to get his degree. He had no time for me. His nights kid free (where she was supposed to watch them) were Friday, she had Saturdays. Well several times he had to cancel on me because she was too drunk to take care of the kids. Literally could not even function enough to watch her kids while they slept. He lives about an hour away. It takes me about 2 hours to get ready, shower, shave, dry my hair, put on make up, get dressed, curl or straighten my hair and then another hour to drive there. One time I was over halfway there when his youngest kept throwing up. He couldn't wake her up so I had to turn around and go home. The only time I got to sleep next to him was our 4 night vacation at the beach over 4th of July. When it went 5 weeks where we hadn't seen each other I told him we needed to stop trying to date, he didn't have time for me. We are still friends. We text everyday. He's my only regular contact outside my family. I can't talk to him about "all" my shit going on though.

I never let myself think about what it "could be" like if we actually could be together. What it would be like to have him as my support. We get along great. Our chemistry is insane too. Our kinks etc fit perfectly. Having those 2 boys as step-kids... That would be like winning the lottery. But that's where I shut it all out. Don't even think about it. It's never going to happen. Ex wife ended up in rehab and moved out finally. She got a room in a place that she can't have the boys over at. How irresponsible is that? So, she sees them maybe 10 hours a week, no sleepovers. I'm so glad that he's a great dad, especially since their mom is flaky. I thought she was like that because of the alcohol, but she's sober now. I guess she has issues in her that prevent her from being the mom they need. I guess in some way that works out better for D*****. He'd be devastated without his boys.

I bring this all up in my head because D***** texted me about an hour ago that he just woke up from a "crazy dream" about me. I asked him what it was but he didn't respond, must've fell back asleep. I wish he wanted me. I wish he loved me. But, I like him as my friend. He's a good friend, and since that's all I can have, it's enough. I'd probably eff it up anyway. And I do NOT want to lose his friendship. I do wish however that we could be cuddle buddies. I really need a hug.

I have counseling on Tuesday. I hate counseling. I feel... just ick. I don't want to think about all my bullsh*t issues stuffed in every crevice of me. Crap, I wish I hadn't remembered that. Ugh. I have a doctor appointment that day too. They will weigh me. Yeah, why bother I'm still FAT.

I wish I could tell my counselor that I genuinely am starting to be afraid that I'm not lovable. I know she'd disagree with me, tell me that everyone deserves love. But that just isn't true. I can feel my airways tightening up. I am having a hard time breathing.

My "best case" scenario that I can wish for for my future is... finishing school, becoming a kicka$$ Nurse Practitioner, help people be healthy. Buy my own little house, a new corolla when mine bites the dust and do my best to keep my nieces in my life.

That's not a bad life. I'll have work. A house. It'll be enough. Somehow I'll make it without a husband, or kids. Somehow it'll be ok.

That's all I let myself dream of, education, career, house. Maybe a nice backyard (securely fenced) and a comfortable patio set that I can sit and have my coffee when it's nice out. And flowers. I want a yard with flowers. Maybe some trees with squirrels. And a craft room. And dog stairs, so my dog can climb up/down in/out of a chair near me on her own so she feels free.

I think I'll go to bed tonight thinking about my backyard.

 

[Cavegirl]

I can't help but wonder what my life would be like if my stepdad and stepbrother never came into my life. If little V****** never was abused. Never violated. Never taught she wasn't worth sh*t. Never taught to ignore her feelings. Never taught her feelings were wrong. Never learned to not trust people. Never learned to not trust herself.

would I be happy? Normal? whole? lovable? a mom? a wife? a good person? Would the voices in my head arguing with each other be silent? Would it just be me?

So F*CK YOU D*** and F*CK YOU M****. Today, I don't forgive you. Maybe tomorrow. but not today. Today I'm glad you (D***) are rotting in a grave. I hope you are cold and lonely you dirty f*cker. I hope you're shriveled and covered in mold and your beard hair fell out.AndI hope you're craving a beer that YOU CAN NEVER HAVE.

jsut like I crave a family that i'll never have. So once again F*CK YOU

I pay everyday for what you did. YOU made that choice for me. YOU were the adult. YOU knew better.

 

[Cavegirl]

I had plans to hang out with D****** and he flaked on me when it was the day to hang out. Big jerk face. I've been talking with a new guy. This is an old record on repeat. Always someone new, never the one.

This guy is different. I always think that, hahahahahahahhahaha. But seriously, he is. He is a lot like N**** my marine that never wanted a relationship with me. A few years older, but 6'3", former military. He was a diver in the Navy for 13 years until there was an accident and he medically couldn't stay. Now he drives a truck. He is very polite and respectful to me. It feels great, but at the same time... it makes me weary, afraid to trust it. We've only been talking like 2 weeks, but we text and talk on the phone everyday. He has been extremely respectful of my boundaries. Funny, great convo etc...

I just don't know how to be.. NORMAL. I'm waiting for him to be like, "well, that's the last straw, you crazy bitch, too much baggage for me."

I honestly don't even know what I'm doing finding people to talk to. I've removed my ad again. I just... feel like an imposter.

School is over tomorrow. I'm only taking one class Summer so that will be a nice break. Well, I do NEED to find a summer job or well, there is no "or" I just HAVE to.

I posted about school. How it's going. It's been a good year. I made it!

Tomorrow is my sleep study. That means I don't get to take a nap tomorrow after class. This has really been worrying me. That in itself is sad. ha! I really hope that they find SOMETHING wrong with me that they can fix. I get I'm depressed, but this feels different than before. This feels more physical. I need to go to bed. I'm procrastinating it.

I had some memories last night. I didn't fight them, instead I let them flow over me (I was in bed and safe) and I didn't die. I didn't freak out. This is major progress. I know I had the memories because yesterday I had "the talk" with M***. The talk where I let him know about my kissing issue. I'd rather he leave me now then later. I don't want him to tell me I "deceived" him by not telling him. K** & M**** are why I have to talk about this. Why I can't stand tongue kissing.

that happened in the garage, but I keep remembering the fort. I wasn't allowed in the fort. Only the big kids could go in it. It was in the far back left hand corner of the property. behind it was HUGE fields the neighbors had horses in. There was a small (foot or so wide) creek that surrounded the property. We used to catch pollywogs in with rinsed out laundry soap containers. the soap was light blue powder and the jug was clear and the lid orange. The fort was just sheets of old grey weathered plywood. One day he let me in. there were boards on teh floor too so you didn't get dirty. I felt so special. lucky to be in there. jholes ofrm cracked corners on some of the boards on the wall let light in. was it raining outside? I think it was. I can picture water rivlets running down teh wwalls where the roof leaked. the floor baords were overlapping and there was a beelte. a stink bug and he smashed it w=betwen too bords and stunk up the fort. papers on the wall wrnkled and tiped words i cant read. pcitures of things i dont rmember. red bckground, feahered hair. maybe a women. exer cise hed band on her forhead, rolled like a rope. a gren blenket i tehe corner. like a dogs. thin dryt icky. I cn see the tallgrass outside th dore bantover and turn gry wet dry, it s fall

thats all i remember. I was an angel for Halloween that year. mom made me a halo out of gold pipe cleaners and wings and a white dress. We spray painted shoes we got at the thrift store with gold spray paint. I was almost 7.

 

[Cavegirl]

Almost couldn't even wash my ass in the shower today. Froze up. Had to talk myself down. I feel so pathetic.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi @Cavegirl I enjoy reading you. I find you bright and intelligent and doing well as you are able. I think you will be a good nurse. I am proud of you for keeping up with your schooling. I think you are also taking very good care of yourself. Nice to meet you.