I'm "too Hard"

[Sideways]

Yep, so I tried to stand back and take a look at what's happening with my Diplomacy Cap on, and I decided that I've been with this T for 5 years, twice a week, emails and texts every other day, & something is seriously up...and the BPD comment, me demonising him, that's actually not happening from my end...which leaves the doc...

So I spoke to my T and basically, when she's finished talking to me, she goes away and calls him up and has a meltdown about what I'm saying and a grand old panic about "I can't help this patient, I've got a duty of care, blah di blah..."

And then she starts blaming him for everything, telling him that he's causing my distress and and it's him screwing everything up etc etc.

Tad unprofessional. Super unproductive. Incredibly hard for him to cop since a) he's literally just come back from leave; & b) he wasn't in the room so he can only assume what she's saying is true.

So, here I am again. With this doc, I'm too hard. She's not coping when I tell her how it is. She's the one that seems to be in meltdown & creating friction between me and my T when actually everything between me and my T was strawberries and cream.

So me and my T have agreed: I say what I need to say to get out of hospital so that she doesn't have a meltdown and dump me in the public system and leave me without a doctor or a T, and from there we decide how to fix the issue of me having a doctor that can't deal with my demons. She's not helping - "complete honesty" is officially over. My T's gonna help me with my sitch when I get out, like we always have in the past, and in the meantime I just play the game to get myself out of this damn hospital.

Doctors:blackeye: Be reeeeally nice to have one that could actually cope, dare I say even "help". Upset is gonna have to wait while I put my game face back on.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Ok, I get that "be careful what you say or you may get locked up" sort of thing but saying

"be more aware of how things effect people"

How it effects people? Maybe people being you but i dont get that.

And I totally missed this:

All he would say to elaborate was my behaviour was Borderline Personality Disorder behviour, that I was "splitting"

Bring up the DSM 5 online...its online...and ask him exactly where "splitting" is?

I disocissate, not DID, but thats the PTSD, NOT the BPD. BPD is more feeling emotions in extremes, cant regulate them, SI, suidial, fear of abandonment...i dont see "splitting" in the 9 sympthoms (in which i have 8).

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My T's gonna help me with my sitch when I get out, like we always have in the past, and in the meantime I just play the game to get myself out of this damn hospital.

YAYAYAYAY!!!! He's gonna help you find another therapist though, right? Like not leave you in no where therapist land, right?

And I agree, this woman isnt helping and SHE needs a therapist!

 

[ladee]

Hmmm, sounds like you have some pondering to do.... At least now I understand that he is wanting to keep you, but the way he is going about is not advocating for you.... I guess what I am feeling is, righteous indignation, FOR you..which isn't helping....ok,
I trust that you are going to make the right choices at the right time...You will work out how you feel and think about all this when you get home... then you can sound stuff off of us..... because the main thing here, from me to you, is that you not take any of this crap on as yours.... Only thing you have to consider is, is the relationship with your T going to continue to help you heal...None of the rest of this craziness, except him asking you to participate... ok ok ok, I'll shut up ! :D, has anything to do with you... even her freaking out does by no means, mean it is about YOU... it is about HER......
You are handling this beyond belief...!!! Going to see what I learning from you....
Just be glad when you get home..... sending you lots of hugs.

 

[ladee]

He IS the therapist @lostforgottensoul , they are going to work around the Dr. More to come later !!!
Hugs to you !!!!

 

[joeylittle]

Sounds really rough, @Ragdoll Circus - fundamentally, I think you can trust your relationship with your T, at least until you can sit with them in a room again and talk more specifically. If it's not too upsetting, a good prep for that would be to try and jot down any of the exact phrases you used with your psychiatrist. It will help you and your therapist compare notes about how things are being reported.

With this doc, I'm too hard. She's not coping when I tell her how it is.

She's not helping - "complete honesty" is officially over.

I'm coming round to the belief that it's a fact of being in the mental health system: the more you can communicate within their parameters, the better everything goes. I think I've posted this before, but I have strong suicidal ideation. It's chronic, it's not healthy, and I'm working on it. Meanwhile, I have an excellent set of management tools, and I have a strong safety contract with my therapist.

I was in the hospital for something non-mental health recently. The doctor saw old scars, and called in the crisis worker. It was probably the tenth time in my life I've been very glad that I know how to talk about my emotional state without becoming emotional. I can be honest within the right parameters for the circumstance.

There's nothing comfortable about it - it's not the kind of easy disclosure that I have with my therapist and psychiatrist - but it's also not defensive or dishonest. I think what I'm ultimately communicating is, "Yes, I am seriously mentally ill, but I am very attuned to it, I'm in treatment, and I have the resources with which to take care of myself."

The one time I wasn't able to be on top of it was not too long after my PTSD diagnosis, and I didn't have a handle on how to talk about it. I slipped and was just honest - because it was a relief to have someone to talk to. I forgot that they had a specific, defined duty of care, and i was just stomping all over the boundary lines. Oops. So, I was held longer than I needed to be, just because I got teary when asked what my local support system was, and I answered, emotionally, "No-one, I'm alone, no family." When that answer comes two sentences after 'do you ever think of harming yourself'....it's shitty timing.

Just offering this up to say, it's not totally unnatural. My psych went off on my therapist once - and she referred me to him - because she was worried he was relying too much on the safety contract. She would have rather seen me hospitalized. But, she doesn't deal with my trauma history in as much detail, and she doesn't know how counterproductive that environment would have been for me, then. I think what set her off was me telling her that he didn't call me back because of a technical glitch.

I still think I'd rather have someone thorough who takes their duty of care seriously, even if they got too intense sometimes, than having someone who doesn't really listen or watch, and therefore can't be as specific with my care as I would like. But, I'm also lucky - I've only had one thoroughly shitty psychiatrist, and one completely horrible therapist.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Oh I see @ladee, thanks! I can be so dense most of the time! **DOH** :facepalm: But so glad the Dr is being worked around, she sounds insane!

 

[ladee]

That she does !!! Happy you understand now !!!! hugs

 

[Sideways]

Don't get me wrong- I'm not cool with the messages my T has been sending, even if he has copped an earful from my doc he should know me better and perhaps not be quite so nasty:(

But he's the important one out of the 2 so at the moment that junk with him is getting put to the side. I need to get out of hospital where she's in panic mode. And I know me, I've been in public hospitals enough times to know what I'm like when I get into this "Got to get myself out of here" mode. There's about a 95% chance that when I see her now, I'm gonna dissociate, and it's one of those rare times when it's the most beautiful helpful brilliant coping strategy to have, because I always dissociate to the same part, and f*ck me, that part (ironically called "Doc"!) could talk her way out of ANYTHING and keep just the right amount of "calm and collected" on her face to be persuasive. Lol, I've actually talked myself out of public hospitals within 24 hours of serious suicide attempts before! This lady just needs to see some serenity. Doc'll sort that without a doubt (overnight would be nice, but I'm not a miracle worker!).

Once I'm out, me and my T can deal with the doctor sitch...and I can think about how/if I confront the nasty messages I got.

Strategy. Diplomacy. And the best goddamn poker-face on the planet. Woe betide the idiot that tries to mess up my relationship with my T;)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

And the best goddamn poker-face on the planet.

You got this girl! :hug: im so glad you get to keep your therapist and its working out! :hug:

 

[ladee]

Ladee throwing rose petals before the feet of "Doc" leading @Ragdoll Circus out of the hospital... to deal with the mundane and pain in the ass stuff later....Hugs to ya girl... you got this.

 

[Sandstone]

I'm not sure I understand what it is that the doctor is finding so hard. If she can't cope with the severity of your traumas, then in a way that is validating; saying that they are so extreme that even at second hand they are overwhelming.

Or is it your feelings or actions that she can't deal with?

when she's finished talking to me, she goes away and calls him up and has a meltdown about what I'm saying and a grand old panic about "I can't help this patient, I've got a duty of care, blah di blah..."

And then she starts blaming him for everything, telling him that he's causing my distress and and it's him screwing everything up etc etc.

Is her concern that your T is pushing you too hard and tipping you over into a state where no-one can guarantee your safety? If she is taking what you say as meaning this, then it would explain the comments about you splitting the team. If she feels that she is left to pick up the pieces, and that she has run out of her own tools, which are probably only drugs and confinement, then she might well panic.

I often wonder how much it is useful to tell individuals I encounter in the course of treatment. It is so hard to find the balance between honesty, minimising, and wanting them to understand how bad it really is. Combine that with the fluctuations in my state of mind and the number of times I block out and forget what has been going on and is not surprising that different people have different views of how I am.