General Pressing Charges Against Childhood Abuser

[Alex00]

Hi all,

I haven't been active on here really since my wife was in hospital last year following a break down. She is doing so much better than she was then. I wanted to thank everyone on here who was such great support. I was hoping I would be able to seek some further advice.

I am a supporter to my wife who suffered abuse from a family member 20 years ago.

She is now thinking about pressing charges against her abuser (has been for over a year). Have any of you supported anyone through this either in the UK or other? I have been trying to read as much as possible (I am pretty well versed in PTSD but not so with court procedure and the triggers resulting from that etc). We have been told it would be an at least 2 year process. Have any of you actually pressed charges yourself? Any advice on what to expect and what I can do to help from anyone who has been through this would be really great.

Thank you

 

[Lucycat]

Hi @Alex00
I was not the one to instigate charges, but I did give evidence to support it. In my case tha abuser was my father and it was a cousin of mine who 'blew the whistle' many years later. The police phoned me out of the blue ( I had no idea she had reported him) and asked if I had anything to tell them about my childhood. It knocked me for six and I had a total breakdown. But the end result was that my father was prosecuted and served a jail sentence.

It did take about 2 years from when I first knew he had been arrested to him going to jail. Myself and my cousins (6 victims who were prepared to provide evidence) all made statements and ultimately he eventually pleaded guilty so we victims did not have to attend court. However we were also reassured that if he had pleaded not guilty and there had been an adjournment, we would have been treated as 'vulnerable witnesses' so could have had video links or secure screening to protect us. I know for me this influenced my decision to speak out.

I cannot pretend it is an easy route. I would also caution that I thought if he were found guilty my Complex PTSD would just fall away. Stupidly naive of course, and the memories are all still there. But the conviction certainly gave me validation and has helped me move forward.

My husband has been superbly supportive throughout, and although he struggles to understand PTSD he does give me leeway when things go off kilter. PTSD relationships are certainly hard work, but I wish you and you wife well.

I apologise - I know you were asking the question of other supporters, but I just wanted to know I hear you, and I am glad you are so supportive to your wife in these incredibly difficult situations.

 

[Sparkle]

My daughter is in the process of pressing charges against her father for years of sexual abuse (we had split up and I had no idea what was happening ) and I have to say that the whole process has been terrible so far. I don't want to discourage anyone from reporting abuse and I'm sure it varies from county to county but the two police forces involved in my daughter's case have been unprofessional, uncaring, uncommunicative and we are now in the process of involving the IPCC. My daughter, who is 19 and has severe complex PTSD has suffered tremendously as a result of this, and has been extremely close to suicide. Please prepare wyour wife of how stressful this can be and make sure she has good support and involve a solicitor if in any way you feel the police are not behaving professionally. Keep a record of all of your dealings with the police. Good luck and stay strong.xxxx

 

[Alex00]

thank you to you both. It s really useful to hear about both of your experiences.

@Lucycat I think my wife is hoping that it will help but I don't think either of us see it as some kind of magic fix. Were the rest of your family supportive through the process? I know in our case her family wont be, even though they know beyond doubt what happened (one of them even witness it) they are all in such a deep state of denial and just constantly make excuses for the abuser and support him. I try to be open minded and see things from their perspective but that they would support him over her I just do not understand. I am glad that the conviction helped you move forward. I think that is what we are both hoping for, whether he is convicted or not I think it is a process that needs to happen.

@Sparkle so sorry to hear how tough it has been on you and your daughter. I have spoken to people in my area and understand that we have a specialist and quite good police team here but I know that is not always the case. I know it's by no means the same but I reported a case of domestic abuse over 10 years ago now to the police when I was living in Wales and their exact words were 'if you press charges you will likely fail you degree, you don't want that do you'.... bizarre! I hope things get better for you and your daughter. My wife had a complete breakdown last year and I really had doubts that she would still be here today as things were so dark back then. Then out of the blue things started to get a bit better. It has been a whole year since my wife was last an inpatient and 6 months since her last suicide attempt. I know that she is still on thin ice and those dark moments still come every day but bearing in mind not a week went by when we didn't have to visit A & E just a short time ago I am so amazed by her. She has over time learnt what to do when it all gets too much. I don't know if that help at all, I just wanted you to know that things can get better, it takes time, but it may begin to happen even when you don't even realise it at the time. Has your daughter got a therapist? I know good ones can be hard to find but I know for my wife hers has been a complete lifeline and she has learnt so much from their sessions.

 

[scout86]

I imagine that your wife has talked about this with her therapist. If not, that would be a good idea.

I think it's important that she have a clear idea what her goals are going in, if she decides to go ahead with this. Sometimes what we'd like to accomplish simply can't be done. Running in to that fact after putting your heart and soul into trying to accomplish it can be beyond disappointing.You really need to weigh the costs and the potential benefits. You have two different stories here that show that fairly well.

Best wishes to you both, what ever her decision is!

 

[Lucycat]

Were the rest of your family supportive through the process?

To be honest there was a huge divide in the wider family. There were those that believed my father incapable of the charges and those who totally believed us 'victims'. In my immediate family, my husband was and always has been very supportive. He was shocked but not surprised by the revelations, if that makes sense? I have 2 brothers and they both broke contact with my father at the time. Then there was my mother, who professes to believe me but still stands by and lives with my father since his release. But they are over 75 - should I expect my mother to go it alone at this late stage?

More recently my younger brother has started to see my father again - he needed to borrow money! My elder brother got divorced last year - and has moved back in with the parents! So they are all playing 'happy families' again, whilst I am out on a limb. But that suits me. My family are hundreds of miles away in the south of England. I am in the West of Scotland. Distance makes the whole thing easier to deal with in my opinion. There is no risk of 'accidental' meetings.

I speak regularly on the phone to big brother. He has his own phone so there is no risk of anyone else answering. My mother phones me about once a month. I cannot call her as my father has been known to answer, and the last thing I want is to hear his voice. My little brother has gone very quiet. He has his own issues with his wife tackling breast cancer and one son with autism, the other has depression and anxiety. He rarely calls me, and does not answer when I call him. We used to be very close so it does hurt, but I try to understand, and just keep leaving messages.

I have Uncles, Aunts and cousins who have been very supportive to me - at a distance. For some it is their own daughters who were also involved. They have severed contact with my father but try to remain in contact with my Mum. For some they struggle with that as they are judging her decision to stay with him.

I found the police involvement and the CPS very frustrating as dates were made and changed and we were not always kept informed. The case was led by English Police, but I dealt locally with Scottish police. That was easier for me. I had a name and a face and dealt with the same person. I could email her a question and she would try and find answers for me - sometime with success others not, but she always let me know. As she was the person who took my statements she told me that if there was a need for me to attend court then she would be there too. That was reassuring - although it was never necessary. On the day that they decided on the sentence I was on holiday and so was she. But nonetheless she called me, from her holiday to my mobile to let me know the outcome. For that I am eternally grateful. I felt it important to know.

 

[Sparkle]

thank you to you both. It s really useful to hear about both of your experiences.

@Lucycat[/U...

Thank you for that. My daughter disclosed her abuse at 14 after a suicide attempt where she ended up in a child and adolescents mental health unit. Since then she has attempted suicide twice more, last time having to be resuscitated. She has seen over 12 different therapists due to them leaving the local health trust. She saw a specialist psychologist 2 years ago, was having EMDR and improving. Our local trusts only allows a certain number of sessions no matter what, so she had to stop, mid therapy and be rereferred after 6 months. Then, when she thought she was going to be seen again, she was told that the psychologist had left and due to staff shortage, she wouldn't be able to have EMDR again till January 2018! She has seen a mental health nurse and an occupational therapist both who think that they cannot help much because she is too ill! So currently she sees no one apart from the psychiatrist every few months. She was too ill to return to school at 14 so she has no qualifications despite being predicted A stars in all of her exams. She has seen mental health professionals since she was around 5 or 6 because I knew something was wrong. She also had repeated urine infections aged around 8, which the GP said she shouldn't be having, but none of us realised what was happening. She saw her father every other weekend and he abused her from aged 2 to aged 9 when he moved abroad, he also took her to car parks and woods and met up with other men who abused her. She found the strength to report it last year, the police have been terrible. We are currently complaining via a solicitor. They told my daughter her mental health would count against her and that they were under funded and over stretched so it would take ages to investigate. They offered her no victim support , during her statement video she was asked endless questions about what hand did he use, describe what he was wearing, describe the room etc. that she couldn't possibly answer. Then they passed the whole case to another police force without explanation, didn’t communicate with us at all. They still have not responded to our complaint which was made in October! The whole thing is a total mess! They haven't taken statements that they should have done etc. They just seem incompetent and totally uncaring! I'm so worried for my daughter, she's so I'll, and the total lack of help and general lack of understanding is driving her to despair! We're so tired of fighting all the time to try and get the help and support she needs. Sorry for ranting so much, but as you can probably guess, the last 5 years have been hell and I really don't know how to help her.xxxxx

 

[Alex00]

@Lucycat Sounds like the Scottish police were useful. That gives me some hope that there are some good ones out there. It must be very difficult with your brothers. I find it completely mind blowing that they would want anything to do with the man who has caused so much pain to you and your extend family but I know it happens. My wife's family reacted in a similar way. They went from hardly wanting anything to do with the abuser back to having close relationships with him, some even more so than before they found out which makes no sense to me. I think that her family definitely sounds like they have similar coping mechanisms to some of yours, I think it suits the immediate family to be in denial, to play the 'happy families' because to keep acknowledging just what happened is too horrible for them. I wont ever understand it. Your insight is really useful and does really help, I sometimes think I am going mad seeing how some of my wife's family behave and respond to things, but the more I talk to people who have experienced this the more it seems their reactions are actually quite predictable.


@Sparkle I am so sorry things have been so awful for you these past years. Do you get any time to look after yourself? I know the stress and the worry can be completely overwhelming when a loved one is in that much of a crisis. The police sound like they have been truly terrible and I am glad that you have had the energy and strength to proceed with a complaint as they shouldn't be the ones making the situation worse.
The waiting lists for any sort of treatment are ridiculous at the moment. I have heard that EMDR can really help. My wife has been looking into finding a therapist who practices it but I am not so sure that right now is a good time to try it but we will see. We are really lucky in that my wife has an amazing therapist. We have had to self fund it though. We sold our house and have been spending the money on whatever we can find that will help. I figure there is no point having any savings if my wife is not here to enjoy any of it with me. I know it's not a quick fix though, just like with medication you have to wait such a long while until they actually start to have an impact! I know this sounds a bit crazy but art has really helped too. My wife had never painted a thing until last year now she paints every night. She says that because she has to really concentrate and exercise whatever bit of the brain that creativity does she doesn't really get any emotional or other kinds of flashbacks whilst she is doing it. She just has to make sure she isn't wearing headphones though. Music is fine but headphones make her properly withdraw. She was really reluctant to start painting though, but honestly it changes her mood dramatically. Also, she has found that going to groups like CoDA have helped and she gets to speak with other people who are struggling with the same stuff. Is anything like that available in your area?
I know that it is so horrible feeling like everything is so far beyond what you can control and times must seem very dark right now but have faith. We still have lots of dark days but things have improved, even if it's tiny tiny steps it will happen. I hope that your daughter is soon able to find healthy ways of coping when the dark moods descend. Your daughter can still get those A stars. My sister completely failed at school then 10 years later and she's redone her GCSEs and A Levels and is now at University. She is still so young. Also never apologies for ranting, I am pretty sure I've just gone and done the same ;) xxxx

 

[Sparkle]

@Lucycat Sounds like the Scottish police were useful. That gives me some hope that ther...

That was a lovely message, thanks. Your wife is lucky to have someone so supportive by her side. There are no local survivors group, we have looked into it.My husband and I have offered to pay for private therapy, but my daughter won't accept it as she knows we don't have much money and she feels guilty. I do very little for myself. I feel huge guilt about my daughter and constant, bubbling anger towards my ex husband and all the services that have let us down. I am aware that I let it eat away at me and am not setting a good example of coping healthily to my daughter. I suffer from M.E and my motivation is non existent. My husband works all the time in a stressful job, but tries hard to be supportive. I've lost all of my friends through giving up work. I really need a good kick up the bum to get myself better so that I can help my daughter more. I just don't know how to start. Wallowing in self imposed misery doesn't help anyone but it's all I feel capable of at the moment. Xxxx

 

[Alex00]

@Sparkle I am sorry that it is so hard. The level of stress and worry can't be helping much with your ME. It is very difficult to turn it all off for enough time to actually do something good I know. Could you start with something small? Or maybe go to a general carers support group if there are any near you? I had a similar problem in that I could not leave the house as I was so worried that if I went somewhere my wife would hurt herself (at one point this is what happened practically every time I wasn't around). But then I thought, if my wife really wants to do something harmful and she can't shake the destructive thoughts on that particular day then she is going to do it regardless of whether I am there or not. I simply act as a delay, its all still there. So over time I have begun to trust that she wouldn't hurt herself more if I was out. We have had major set backs. I even went to see a therapist myself for a few sessions to get a better understanding of things and me and my wife had a verbal contract that she wouldn't do anything harmful to herself. That afternoon was the last time she tried to kill herself. But, compare that to the number of times I am out of the house now that I am back at work, or when I walk the dog etc, she is actually mostly OK. I am rambling a lot but I just wanted you to know that I understand that all of this stuff completely takes over you as the worry is immense. I am trying to somehow put that for the number of times I catastrophise compared to the number of times something actually happens is quite small, but when it does I get in my head that I am always right to worry all of the time. I should imagine it is worse still if you are a parent. It sounds to me like you are doing the best you can and that you are a massive support to your daughter. I don't think you are setting any kind of bad example, you know what I think it is fine for your daughter to see that this situation does make everyone very emotional. My wives biggest problem was that she was never able to express any emotions regarding what happened to her, she bottled it all up, tried to make sure everyone else was OK. So actually seeing people react in a normal way, with sadness or rage etc, has in the longer term really helped. She says she feels vindicated, even if she still had problems letting our those emotions. x

 

[Sparkle]

@Sparkle I am sorry that it is so hard. The level of stress and worry can't be helping...

My daughter also spends a lot of time looking after others, I think that it is her way of deflecting her thoughts. She has flash backs where she passes out, terrible nightmares where she screams and wets herself, disassociates, hears her father's voice etc. But she's also really good at pretending she's fine until she completely breaks down, then she's angry that no one realised how bad she was! I think she has a lot of anger towards me for not knowing what was happening at the time, she knows that this isn't fair, but it doesn't stop her feeling it. I still don't know all that happened to her, bits have come out over the years. I hate to think what else there is. She's a really lovely, kind, bright person with so much potential, I hate how this is ruining her life. We live in a rural bit of crappy, flat, dull Lincolnshire so there is little around us and mental health services are poor but there is more that I could do to get out and help myself, I will try, especially now that it is Spring which is a season I love. Thank you so much for your support. Please do share any problems or worries that you have, you won't be a burden and I'm not bad with advice and support for others!xxxx