Blackjack
Silver Member
OK, I am going to try and explain a little bit about what has caused me to end up here.
My trauma event goes back 10 years but it is only within the last 6 months that the problems have really started. My biggest love in life is aviation and I work as operations manager part time at weekends at my flying school. One sunny Saturday morning, I was taking care of things at the club when one of our aircraft with an instructor and student on board crashed shortly after take off killing both occupants. I had only despsatched their flight a short time before and I was the last person to see them alive. The rest of the day passed by in a complete blur of having to deal with all of the aftermath of the accident, the police, the accident investigators, friends and family of club members concerned for their loved ones. Regretably I also had no choice but to attend the crash site with the police and identify the victims which was horrendous in the extreme. I also was the one to have to face all of our other club members and inform them of what happened. I had many grown men just sobbing in my arms that day at the loss of their friends and it was truly awful. I called my family to tell them what had happened and so that they knew I was not in the aircraft so they were well aware of what had happened.
When I finally got home that night, there was no caring or compassion from my family at all, nobody asked if I was ok, no hugs, no caring, nothing. It was if the whole grisly day had never happened. Everyone expected me to be same old happy me, I was even told "well what are you worrying about, just get a grip on yourself FFS" when I did try to speak about it. . From that day on, I never spoke about it to anyone as I was left being made to feel that to have emotions and feelings about it was wrong. I never cried about it, I felt sick, had migraines and shook physically for over a week, I now know I was in extreme shock and trauma but again did nothing about it because I was treated as if it was wrong to do so.
I have kept all this locked up deeply inside me since then but just recently it has become too much and the night mares, flashbacks, panic attacks and constant anxiety have kicked in big time. The strange thing is the one place I feel calm is at the airport - its strange and I don't pretend to understand it but its true.
I am now seeing a counsellor who is helping me talk about it and start to let it out but it is getting worse before it gets better at the moment as I have to face it all and try to start letting the feelings and emotions come to the surface. He has assessed me as being severely traumatised and told me that I am really quite unwell and exhausted which was a big shock. I am now going to the other extreme emotionally and have periods when I just cannot stop crying which is very hard if it hits when I am at home as I have to hide it, basically I feel a wreck and feel very fragile emotionally and physically. I know I am needy right now and need a lot of support and I am so sorry if I come across as a nuisance but I just really need help as my family do not know what I am going through and I cannot therefore talk to them at all.
Cannot write any more now, its getting too hard and emotional to do so, but at least its getting it out in the open gradually. Thank you so much if you have read all this, its much appreciated and maybe will enable people to get to know me a bit better.
Love and hugs to all
My trauma event goes back 10 years but it is only within the last 6 months that the problems have really started. My biggest love in life is aviation and I work as operations manager part time at weekends at my flying school. One sunny Saturday morning, I was taking care of things at the club when one of our aircraft with an instructor and student on board crashed shortly after take off killing both occupants. I had only despsatched their flight a short time before and I was the last person to see them alive. The rest of the day passed by in a complete blur of having to deal with all of the aftermath of the accident, the police, the accident investigators, friends and family of club members concerned for their loved ones. Regretably I also had no choice but to attend the crash site with the police and identify the victims which was horrendous in the extreme. I also was the one to have to face all of our other club members and inform them of what happened. I had many grown men just sobbing in my arms that day at the loss of their friends and it was truly awful. I called my family to tell them what had happened and so that they knew I was not in the aircraft so they were well aware of what had happened.
When I finally got home that night, there was no caring or compassion from my family at all, nobody asked if I was ok, no hugs, no caring, nothing. It was if the whole grisly day had never happened. Everyone expected me to be same old happy me, I was even told "well what are you worrying about, just get a grip on yourself FFS" when I did try to speak about it. . From that day on, I never spoke about it to anyone as I was left being made to feel that to have emotions and feelings about it was wrong. I never cried about it, I felt sick, had migraines and shook physically for over a week, I now know I was in extreme shock and trauma but again did nothing about it because I was treated as if it was wrong to do so.
I have kept all this locked up deeply inside me since then but just recently it has become too much and the night mares, flashbacks, panic attacks and constant anxiety have kicked in big time. The strange thing is the one place I feel calm is at the airport - its strange and I don't pretend to understand it but its true.
I am now seeing a counsellor who is helping me talk about it and start to let it out but it is getting worse before it gets better at the moment as I have to face it all and try to start letting the feelings and emotions come to the surface. He has assessed me as being severely traumatised and told me that I am really quite unwell and exhausted which was a big shock. I am now going to the other extreme emotionally and have periods when I just cannot stop crying which is very hard if it hits when I am at home as I have to hide it, basically I feel a wreck and feel very fragile emotionally and physically. I know I am needy right now and need a lot of support and I am so sorry if I come across as a nuisance but I just really need help as my family do not know what I am going through and I cannot therefore talk to them at all.
Cannot write any more now, its getting too hard and emotional to do so, but at least its getting it out in the open gradually. Thank you so much if you have read all this, its much appreciated and maybe will enable people to get to know me a bit better.
Love and hugs to all
