@glass half full - thank you for sharing. Yes, it surely is a roller coaster. It's u...
I think in many ways our vets are not proud of many of the things they did and probably not for the reasons we might think. Example- mine told me that he hated going out on patrol- Iraq and,Afghanistan. His reason? He hated having to be an asshole and trying to provoke aggression in the locals. No doubt the risk of his death was a factor, but being an asshole is what he's not proud of. That's a small example, but a pretty good one. This, along with the horror is what they don't want to share. And really, how to explain this? He used to tell me when he saw dead people and could not get them out of his mind, or he'd tell me that he had a stable of devils that he has to feed every day. These things are hard to put into words and hard to explain and share. I think he was better able to tell me because he is a gifted writer and had journaled his experiences over the years. Frankly, he only shared this with me when he was drunk. And he'd been in treatment for some time before he met me.
Our relationship was much like the description of so many others here- compatibility, passion, talking about a future. I've known players- he was not a player. Yet- about the time we began seriously taking about him looking for work back here and him coming home to stay- not just talking the talk- shortly after this, he tried to end the relationship. He told me he'd reconnected with someone from his past. I was devastated. I did not see it coming. A couple of days later, after the shock wore off, I began to realize this made absolutely no sense and called bullshit on him. While he never exactly fessed up- he eventually did in a roundabout way- communication was not totally severed. We did stop visiting via Skype, but we continued near daily conversations via email.
Our conversations began to become increasingly flirty and then bluntly suggestive. I loved it!!! We were going to resume Skyping again- loved that too! And shortly thereafter he went dark again, literally in the midst of a fun conversation. He'd gone dark briefly a couple of times before but never more than two weeks. As I mentioned before- its 8 weeks now, with 1 email saying he's ok and thanking me. Four words. Its not been possible to ask what he wants or how he feels. I suppose I could have, but based on the advice here, while I let him know I'll be here for him, it seemed counterproductive to press for answers, especially when we'd been steadily moving back to a greater level of intimacy- well such as is possible when we were 10,000 miles
and 8 time zones apart.
I kept in mind that he'd tried to end the relationship and had not done a very good job- he knows how. If he'd really wanted to he would have. Communication continued. And when he went dark he came back. I figured that again, if he'd wanted to end it, he knows how and hasn't. And the increasing intimacy had been his idea. Yes, I wanted to, but I specifically chose to let him take the lead on it, and he did. All of this said to me that he will be back. But as week turned to another and then another- although I was able to be strong, eventually I had to admit to myself that it was taking a huge toll and I needed a break. I had to let go. While I still think its possible, I also have to be realistic - whatever has freaked him out bad enough to isolate for eight weeks- isn't going to resolve for him when his contract ends and he gets on a plane to come home- if he chooses to come home. There's no way of knowing how long this can continue. Despite the fact that I love this man to pieces- I cannot make him came back to me or make it work out. And what do I want to do with my life?
Its hard. He is one of the great loves of my life and I do not want to walk away- but I also want to live a full life and that may mean leaving him behind. I want him to come back, but I can't make it happen.
