Isolation What Do I Do Now?

[glass half full]

GHF this breaks my heart for you. I'm glad you're moving forward after all this time you've wait...

Silentwhisper- thank you. I'm pretty resilient, so while this has been difficult, I know I'll be ok. I knew in the beginning that this was a man who had not come home to stay yet, even though he retired in 2012. I wanted to believe what he wanted to believe and that was that he was finally ready to come home to stay. One evening while he was home for a visit, he told me that he believed that God had brought me into his life now, because he had not been ready for me before. Beautiful words. But they have not been followed up with a path toward coming home. And I think that's what I need to keep in mind now as I move on.

I am glad for you that you have set a time frame for yourself. As hard as it us, I think its the best acknowledgement that we have no control and frankly, often not even any influence in our relationship with a sufferer. And that's one of the things that I think makes these relationships especially hard- in other relationships- or at least in good relationships- we do have influence. I thought I did in this relationship. In retrospect I can see that I did not.

 

[MandyLou]

@Silentwhisper43 and @glass half full , I am so sorry. That must be just heartbreaking. My situation is a bit different so I am trying to keep my head straight and be patient. I know he hasn't given up on me and has told me to not take the distance personally. It's hard to wait. I am very impatient, emotional and feel all kinds of things. I have no reason no to trust him, so I am going to extend all the trust I got because I know he's hurting and I believe he doesn't to recognize the degree of his problems. I hope he can for his own benefit and welfare, but that is his choice. Nobody can make decisions for him if he doesn't make them himself. I wholly accept that I can fix any of that, so I just let it be.

 

[glass half full]

@Silentwhisper43 and @glass half full , I am so sorry. That must...

Mandy- thank you. I think communication makes a huge difference and I hope will make the difference for you. Having him verbalize that his feelings for you have not changed and asking that you not take this personally would be very important to me, if I were in your shoes. And it comes through in your post that having him say these things to you has been very important to your ability to hang in there. I hope you will continue to get the reinforcement that you need until he's in a better place and that things work out for you. You are a tremendous asset to him and i hope he realizes this.


Having to read those things between the lines or from past conduct only goes so far- as I know first hand. I am also impatient and prone to feel so many different things within a short period of time- in one day I might have felt peacefully confident that he's coming back, irritated that he's not communicating with me, proud as hell of who he is and what he's done, pissed off again that's he's being a douche for blowing me off and then bury myself in reading a new thread here or one of my many books on combat vets to better understand him. LOL! That's a bit of an exaggeration, but I think you'll know what I'm saying.

About ten days into this isolation phase I spoke at length, but informally with a VA therapist. He was awesome in sharing insight and suggestions with me. His assessment was that with a previous pattern of isolating and returning, he thought it was most likely my vet would return. He further recommended that I hang in there until his contract ends and set a time period for myself with the contract end as a guideline. I'm a little sorry to say that I'm about four weeks short of the end of contract and just don't see what the point is in continuing to be blown off for another month. If I got an email from him tomorrow, I'd reset my clock, but that's not going to happen.

My resolve to hang In here for him was strong until suddenly beginning to crumble last week. I have no idea what caused the crumbling, but it is where I am now. I believe that should he get back in touch in the not too distant future I will follow through on what I promised, which is to do all I can to help and support him. But, even if he does, there would be trust issues, especially knowing that isolators continue to isolate. While the situation can be improved, who knows how much? And while he's been notably scarce on social media this whole time- I've seen five posts in eight weeks- so I know I'm not the only one he's isolating from- the longer he's been silent, the more I wonder whether I ever really knew him. Through all of this, my heart breaks for him and what he's going through. I'm a fixer- i want to make things better for the people i care about and I'm pretty good at it, so being shut out and unable to do anything to help him has also been very difficult.

 

[MandyLou]

@glass half full ,

All that you feel and think right now and completely understandable. Seems like you are trying to understand but you can't because he does not allow you to understand him. As you mentioned, it's hard to go day in and day out and feel helpless about not being able to be there for someone you love. You want to change the situation so much, work harder, love harder, understand better. In the end, that should be a mutual effort. Sometimes people are so deep into their own problems that unless they really try to look into themselves, no one is going to be able to show what's going on, and with all honesty, some problems are so massive that there is not really a road back because the person is not strong enough or resilient enough to address them. This gets more painful for someone who loves them and sees their problems more objectively. They want to just help them see all the problems but the person carrying the weight of issues is not able to see anything. It's almost like standing by the window with a blind person and asking them, "Can you see the sunlight?". Yes, you can try to describe the sunlight, its beauty, how it impresses you, etc, but you can't really make the other person see the sunlight because they can't no matter how hard you try to describe it to them. Their vision is not going to magically come back. What I mean is, some wounds just don't heal. No matter how much you try to mend them.

Some are objective and honest with themselves and they work very hard to recognize their problems and address them, and others just don't. They retreat further and further into themselves and wonder why aren't they normal or happy. I applaud you for trying so hard to understand and have peace for yourself. It should be the most important thing at this point for you. Putting all the feelings and intent of love aside, you have to focus on things you are in control of. Things you are not in control of remain things you can't change and can't influence the outcome of no matter how hard you try.

Going back to my initial point, loving relationship should be a mutual effort. I have known a lot of people with lots and lots of personal struggles but they had chosen to extend understanding to their partner even if that was not the most thrilling and convenient thing to do at the time. Sometimes genuinely loving someone means being focused on relationship with them and doing so actively and with an intent. Sometimes it means calling them for no reason and reminding them that they matter.

 

[glass half full]

@glass half full ,

All that you feel and think right now and completely understanda...

Mandy- thank you for sharing your wisdom and support. I really appreciate it.

You are right, I've made a lot effort to try and understand him and what he may be dealing with. Early in our relationship he told me that I understood him so well. He was both pleased and surprised. I tried to explain that I really didn't understand him that well- I had carefully read his writings that he had shared with me, I listened to the things he told me and I'm intuitive. But those things don't add up to understanding at a deep level early on. He didn't really grasp what I was trying to say and to an extent I believe he's made choices that affect me based upon his belief that I understand him at a deep level.
Doing so is very much at odds with the mutuality in relationship that you refer to above. Whether intentional or not, the end result is the same. His refusal to communicate makes it difficult if not impossible to address.

There has been some communication, but it is only one sided, mine. He told me months ago that even when he does not respond, he does read what I send to him. He chooses to read, but not respond.

I think that having learned more here, especially the discussions that try to distinguish what's a PTSD trait and what's not is probably what led to my optimistic foundation crumbling. Needing space- PTSD. Isolating- PTSD. The stress cup.and resulting overload-PTSD. He chose to check in briefly via email- choice. Not doing so again- choice. He's not choosing to be stressed, overloaded or needing to isolate. He has chosen not to reach out in any way again over the past month. Finally grasping that distinction, I now realize, is where and when my foundation collapsed.

I've long believed that his living situation has been detrimental to him. He works in the middle east, he lives in a heavily fortified housing compound and he works with hundreds of other men like him- men who have been unable to come home to stay, for whatever reason. This place is loaded with combat vets with PTSD. When he socializes with his co-workers- not a favorite pastime of his, but homemade alcohol is a centerpiece. The list of unhealthy attributes could go on and on. I have no doubt this is a huge piece of what's going on. He's been living in the Green Zone again. There's even celebratory gunfire through the night on weekends and holidays.


I appreciate your suggestion that loving someone often means calling them for no reason and letting them know that they matter. The idea has sunk into my thinking. I've reached out to him on average about every 8 days over these past two months. The one brief email from him did follow one from me in which I said I love him and miss him, so I believe that his "thank you" encompassed my expression of love and concern. Right now, my cup is empty, but I know myself well enough to know that's temporary. Just because I have nothing to say to him now doesn't mean I won't tomorrow. Its not like he's going anywhere anytime soon (smile)

Thank you for listening and sharing your wisdom. I can't tell you how I much I appreciate it.

 

[Silentwhisper43]

It's been almost three weeks and still he's not here. Random meaningless texts and broken promises of seeing me. My hope doesn't seem to exist. How can I hold onto someone that isn't there. His actions are all I can go off of and those are blaringly saying 'leave me'. I need to let go it's just so hard

 

[glass half full]

It's been almost three weeks and still he's not here. Random meaningless texts and broken promis...

Silentwhisper- yes, its hard. Very hard. But as hard as it is, be kind to yourself. Loving him also means that you don't want to give up hope. And there are numerous strings here in which a sufferer did come back after weeks and even months of isolation. I'm sure you've read some of them, and that too will contribute to not giving up easily.

It will take time and allow yourself to experience changes in your feelings. That's natural and to be expected. And its ok. Under these circumstances its natural to be disappointed that he has not done what he said he would. Its natural to be hurt for those same reasons. Its natural to be upset that he is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated- with respect and caring.

Its also natural to rethink- yet again - about the fact that some, if not much of this is due to reasons beyond his control. He's been badly injured and how much do you forgive for that reason?

I wish I had a crystal ball- for you and me both (smile). I'm still struggling with letting go, too. It takes awhile.