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Childhood Am I wrong for wanting to stay close to family?

T

traditionalhair

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I have had a very difficult life with a special needs brother who would shout and cause disruptions as well as show violent tendencies. He constantly damaged things and gave the family problems banging doors and walls. My mother constantly expected me to help look after him and discipline him. My mother expected so much from me, she wanted me to be a kind of co parent for my sibling and also do perfectly in every aspect of life so she would criticise me a lot as well. She gives unsolicited advice, interferes and does not give me any privacy. She always expected me to solve the family's problems and maintain the stability. She also wanted me to constantly give her emotional support which always felt uncomfortable for me.

I also share my bedroom with the brother and he often disrupts my sleep and mixes up my stuff so I constantly need to be on the look out.

I have so much resentmnt and frustration towards my family however I also am loyal and attached to them because I have had some good times with them too. My mum has supported me in some ways like she has bought me stuff that she thought I would like and she has defended me against other people. Also sometimes her advice has been rooted in worry for me. I also know my brother loves me in his own way.

I am sure the chaos and unpredictability of family life caused my CPTSD. I wanted to move out for so long and I found a flat which I thought would suit me but the distance is giving me extreme stress, I find myself physically unable to take the steps to actually move in. I also keep getting headaches and find myself unable to function due to the worry.

I think the issue is that I feel I can't manage the distance- it's around 20 minutes on the bus and a minimum of 40 minutes by walk. I have a lot of anxiety surrounding money and don't know if I can afford to take the bus. And walking a total of 80 minutes does not seem sustainable.

I think I want a flat that is within walking distance. So that I can easily meet my family when I want to whilst obviously still having my own space. Am I wrong for feeling like this or should I still force myself into the new flat? Please can I get some advice.
 
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Sideways said:
It’s not wrong to want to stay near your family.

But this sounds like a financial decision as much as a relationships decision…?
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Yes you're right. I have an anxiety surrounding money and I don't like parting with money unless necessary.

Also the physical symptoms I'm experiencing are associated with my CPTSD like nausea, headaches and inability to function. I think I'm feeling a lack of control surrounding this issue and so I'm considering just asking for a different flat but I want to be sure that it's the right decision.
 
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20 minute bus ride isn't far at all. Nor is a 40 minute walk.
Is it really the distance you are worried about? Or moving out and going into the unknown?

I don't know how old you are and whether this is the first time you are moving out. Those are big decisions.

If it really is causing you unbearable stress then do see if you can get a flat around the corner from them. Is it easy to do that?

It will be a process of change and that takes getting used to.
But it shows your independence that you are considering all this, which is great.

Another option is: can you buy a bike? Cycle to and from theirs? Quicker than walking, and you'll get more for your money than spending it on a bus.
 
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Movingforward10 said:
20 minute bus ride isn't far at all. Nor is a 40 minute walk.
Is it really the distance you are worried about? Or moving out and going into the unknown?

I don't know how old you are and whether this is the first time you are moving out. Those are big decisions.

If it really is causing you unbearable stress then do see if you can get a flat around the corner from them. Is it easy to do that?

It will be a process of change and that takes getting used to.
But it shows your independence that you are considering all this, which is great.

Another option is: can you buy a bike? Cycle to and from theirs? Quicker than walking, and you'll get more for your money than spending it on a bus.
Click to expand...

I don't really know-it could be that I'm worried about how my family would cope without me or that I would feel too disconnected from them. It's a 40 minute walk one way so would take 80 minutes in total. And I worry I wouldn't be able to visit them without a lot of effort.

I honestly had thought that I would be able to cope with the distance but it's causing too much stress which is embarassing as well because as you say it's not even a far distance but I can't help how I feel and I can't really do anything when I'm feeling like this.

I can ride a bike but I don't feel safe riding a bike to get to places as it feels soo dangerous.

I think I could get a flat closeby but I would need to speak to my council to show them that the current flat is not suitable.
 
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traditionalhair said:
I think I could get a flat closeby but I would need to speak to my council to show them that the current flat is not suitable.
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Unless there's some reason asking would cause additional problems, there's nothing wrong with asking.

It does sound a bit like your brain is creating barriers for yourself to prevent the move from happening. Obviously, I don't know if this is true and it sounds like you are having a hard time sorting this out. The subject of your post, is, "Is it wrong for wanting to stay close to my family"., What if you shifted the question and asked yourself if it is wrong for wanting to te distant from your family. What sort of things come up?

A couple important things to keep in mind are, that it is not wrong to put your own needs first. You are allowed to take care of yourself. Also, any decision you make is not forever. It may not be easy to change it right away, but if it's a mistake you can make new decisions. Life is more of a marathon than a sprint,
 
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Muttly said:
Unless there's some reason asking would cause additional problems, there's nothing wrong with asking.

It does sound a bit like your brain is creating barriers for yourself to prevent the move from happening. Obviously, I don't know if this is true and it sounds like you are having a hard time sorting this out. The subject of your post, is, "Is it wrong for wanting to stay close to my family"., What if you shifted the question and asked yourself if it is wrong for wanting to te distant from your family. What sort of things come up?

A couple important things to keep in mind are, that it is not wrong to put your own needs first. You are allowed to take care of yourself. Also, any decision you make is not forever. It may not be easy to change it right away, but if it's a mistake you can make new decisions. Life is more of a marathon than a sprint,
Click to expand...

Yes, you're right. I have been trying for some time to get myself ready to move to this flat but I find myself feeling physically unwell and getting into freeze mode.

I think I know that it's not wrong to be distant from family and I do want my own life but I don't know why I can't seem to get myself ready for it. Plus moving into the flat is not some minor things- I need to furnish the whole flat as well.

I think I'm also worried that because I need to buy everything for the flat if I then need to move then it would be waste of money plus I don't know if it will be manageable to find another council flat. There might be some way of transferring to a different flat that's closer because it's at the start.

I am also still on the waiting list for trauma therapy so I can't speak to a therapist but I am going to try and speak to a clinical psychlogist who is trauma informed. to see what they think about how I'm feeling. I do want to come out of this feeling but don't know how.
 
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